New Year’s Resolutions

Oh, how I love the internet. Because last year, when I decided to have a blog, of course I published my 2010 New Years plans…here was my list. (Let's make comments):

2010 Goals:

1) Go Out More (be more social). Do not turn down an invitation no matter how exhausted you are...going out equals stories and you are a writer. This is actually a repeat from last year...but...if you read the last post...do I go to married guys pot luck tomorrow? Confliction...but could get a story right?
OKAY…I TOTALLY WENT OUT MORE…BUT DIDN'T GO OUT TO MARRIED GUYS EVENT (I HAVE STANDARDS…BARELY…) SO THIS YEARS RESOLUTION: GO OUT AND PIMP YOUR BOOK MORE J


2) Do not drink alone. If you are going to have a drink, you must be with someone. (So again...pushing that social thing....again a repeat and No I didn't always keep this resolution in 2009...I'll try harder in 2010.)
I GOT A ROOMMATE THIS FALL…SO WHEN I DRINK…MY ROOMATE IS AROUND. THAT'S PROGRESS RIGHT?

3) Lose 20 lbs. Last year I lost 15. (Not bad....I did go down the all important dress size. Yeah me. But I have about 15 or 20 to go. I want to get there this year.)

UM…DIDN'T LOSE 20 LBS. STILL NEED TO LOSE 20 LBS…WHICH I WILL DO IN JANUARY. MUST FIT BETTER INTO MY SKI PANTS.

4) Be more active. The gym is fun, well not fun, but practical. But I'd like to do more bike riding, public gardening, hiking etc. Things outside, again...keep up the social thing. (Current issue is time and the lack of sunlight in the early hours.)

OK. I HAVE THE TIME AND I JOINED A NEW GYM CLOSER TO MY HOUSE. I AM KEEPING THIS GOING. I NEED TO PUSH MYSELF MORE. THE CONVO WITH MY SISTER OVER CHRISTMAS BREAK WAS TO JOIN MORE CLASSES…SO I'M GOING TO DO THAT. I WANT TO LOSE THAT 20LBS. SERIOUSLY.

5) Get published. (All signs are pointing that is going to finally happen. Yeah me.)

AH SIGH….I SOLD MY FIRST NOVEL IN MARCH 2010. THEY KEEP CHANGING THE PUBLISHING DATE, BUT, RIGHT NOW…"DATING IN LA LA LAND" WILL HIT STORES IN JUNE 2011. I JUST FINISHED A HUGE EDIT AND I LOVE MY TEAM. IT'S AS FUNNY AS…. AS WELL, ME!

6) Travel more. (I am currently dreaming about 3 vacations. Don't know with whom or when these can/will happen...but I will attempt to go to three places near and far in 2010.)

WELL... I DID DO SOME TRAVEL THIS YEAR…NOT EXACTLY WHERE I THOUGHT I'D GO TO LAST YEAR. I WENT TO VEGAS WITH MY BOOK CLUB FOR THE RUGBY TOURNAMENT (UMMMM….AWESOME…MEN IN SHORT SHORTS…) AND THEN NAPA FOR MY BIRTHDAY (THANKS TO THE JANE GOODALL GALA I ATTENDED AND BID ON A KILLER DEAL…) AND I WENT TO IRELAND WITH MY SISTER IN THE FALL AND HAD A BLAST. OF COURSE…WENT TO NYC AN EPIC THREE TIMES LAST YEAR FOR MEETINGS AND CONVENTIONS…BUT I HAVE MY PASSPORT RENEWED AND I'M ALWAYS ON THE GO.)

7) Listen to own voice and not be pressured. Be sane, and not let the insane rule my life. (This is probably going to be the hardest thing for me. My head races with a mindful of ideas that aren't always necessarily the best choices.)
OH MY GOD….I ACHIEVED THIS. FUNNY WHAT YOU PUT DOWN.

8) Flirt more. (Literally I was at the CHP (California Highway Patrol Office) the other day, and I flirted with the officer checking out to make sure I had my headlights fixed - stop it with the sex jokes okay -- and well...it was fun. A little smirk and a smile not only makes my day, it can make someone else's, so I need to flirt more.)

WHILE I DIDN'T DATE A CHP IN 2010…I DID DATE A FORMER COP AND NOW A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. WELL ACTUALLY…I HAD A LOT OF DATES IN 2010. I HAVE HAD MY FLIRT ON…AND I DO HAVE MY HEART ON A CERTAIN SLEEVE… AND I AM SUCH A HAPPY GIRL.

9) Fall in love. (Could be simple...or heartbreaking. I've had years filled with both. But I'm throwing my heart out there again this year. And looking for serious takers. Truly. Be men...got it?)

YOU KNOW….WHEN MEN WERE WISHY WASHY…I LET THEM GO EARLY ON. I WAS DUMPED, AND I FELL HARD IN 2010. BUT AS THE YEAR COMES TO A CLOSE…I AM FULL OF OPTIMISM. IN YEARS PAST I WAS SORT OF FULL OF "I HOPE THEY LIKE ME"…AND NOW I'M MUCH MORE OF "I'M A GREAT CATCH, AND THEY WOULD BE LUCKY FOR ME TO FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM" ATTITUDE. ALL I CAN SAY IS…I HAVE A SUNNY OUTLOOK ON MY LIFE AND YOU CAN ALL BE JEALOUS. I HAVE LOTS OF LOVE IN MY LIFE.

My NEW resolutions for 2011 are:

1. BE AN HONEST AUTHOR/WRITER. (Give advice to fans, help those who want/need to be published and give back to those who possess serious talent.)
2. BE AN HONEST GIRLFRIEND…BUT NOT TOO HONEST. (I trusted my gut a lot this year. When it wasn't working, I let men know. But I might want to work through things more. I need to realize that no one is perfect – including me – and relationships take work. Respect individuality and them you.)
3. MOVE FORWARD. (While you might not understand this…I do. I don't want to live in a condo that won't help my relationship, I don't want to work on a job that I won't be happy with (one that will just make money.) I want to move my relationships, my life, my career… forward…be progressive, not stagnate.
4. LISTEN. (I tend to be boastful. It's all about me me me….I need to listen to others and care about their needs.)
5. LOSE 20 LBS. (I can do that this year. I would like to be at my goal weight by my birthday….I know, who wouldn't?)
6. GO TO NEW YORK AND MAKE A PLAN…SELL MY SECOND BOOK ETC. (Every time I visit New York, I don't have a plan. I have a meeting. This year, I'm going to establish a plan…progressive meetings, sell books, create media buzz.)
7. BUILD UP TV CAREER….AGAIN. (I've been gone from the TV biz for 7 years….I want to get back to my roots. And I love TV.)
8. NETWORK, SEE OLD FRIENDS, AND CREATE NEW ONES. (I actually started this, this year…and I'm having a blast. My friends have not forgotten me, and are so proud I actually wrote a novel while in an insane job. So it's been so great seeing old friends who are supportive to my new endeavors with so much enthusiasm (and hopefully book me on their various TV programs!))
9. PAY ATTENTION TO THE LITTLE THINGS (Whether it's supporting a friends indie film project, or sending a card to someone in the hospital, those little things mean so much…and I want to commit to that.)
10. FALL IN LOVE. (I know…a repeat from last year…but I believe in my heart that he is out there for me…and I plan on giving out my heart to the right man in 2011.)

I wish you all a very happy new year…I will be in Pasadena at the Tournament of Roses Parade at the crack of dawn…of course, looking for single men carrying roses.

2010 was the year of FREEDOM; and 2011 in the year of REBIRTH. Bring it…. Happy New Year.

 

Heidi Carson

 

Spouse Swap

Here's another watercooler issue:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/fashion/weddings/19vows.html

Have you heard about the recent New York Times story wherein a blissful couple chatted it up on how they met and then had their tale spread over the pages of the newspaper? I love a good love story, (Who doesn't love a good love story?) and read about their wedded bliss with much merriment, until I started listen to talk radio. Well…I'll tell you…scorned women did not like this story.

You see this couple met at various events with their children, ballet classes, baseball games, pre-school pick up. It's unclear who was flirting with who, but what is true is both were married to other people during the flirtatious rounds. This couple claims that "nothing happened" while they were married. Hum…ever hear of the "emotional cheating" phrase. (Okay, Jennifer Anniston…here's your opportunity to tell us what really went down…)

So while this couple wants us to believe that their actions were just innocent, scorned ex-wives are down right pissed. So what they did…was it wrong or innocent?

I'm not judging here, but with 50% of marriages ending in divorce, if things aren't going great in a marriage, do you really think he isn't looking?

Recently a friend of mine invited me out for coffee wherein she had to tell me "something" (yeah…a red flag went up.) My friend is single and in her 40's, never married. She tells me she's met someone, with whom she truly adores…BUT (yep, here it comes) he's married. My friend had polled many of her friends and confesses to me that 75% of her friends have dated (or at least gone out with) someone who was married. This "fact" shocked me. Really? Her "facts" were a bit off kilter to me, but then again, what do I know? Maybe someone I've dated has been married and they never told me? My friend claims that their meeting was innocent. He told her he was married, but he was attracted to her. A friendship started and both did not expect to fall in love.

It happened to another friend of mine. She met a guy online who was not wholly truthful. They dated for a few weeks, slept with each other, and then she found out…he was married. (She then broke it off with him…) Which always makes me put up some guard, than if a man isn't happy in his relationship…he's out there looking. When he finds something, he'll break it off (or so he says.)

Now, back to the New York couple….I completely understand the pissed off scorned wife syndrome out there. I would be pretty mad if my husband started dating a friend of my child's with whom he met at the Christmas Choir event I couldn't make due to work, but I would also have to re-examine the cracks in my relationship and see if there was something worth saving. If I was completely blindsided and we were a blissful couple (and really…what couple is that happy?) then yeah, I'd be pissed.

Just as Jennifer Anniston was apparently blindsided when Brad had an emotional affair with Angelina and then divorced Jen…yeah, I get it. But Jen…were you on the set with him everyday? Or were you off making your own film? Relationships take work and it goes both ways.

So watch for those cracks that can become craters…and keep one eye open.

Ho Ho Hollywood

You know when your schedule is so crammed that you can't even think straight? I hear you…shopping, wrapping, parties, work, deadlines, Christmas merriment, and well…then there is dating! Now on top of that…Hollywood always seems to put out its best films within a six week period. (Why?) I have so many movies I want to catch up on, it boggles my mind. What to do?

So literally, today…it's raining in Hollywood (the TV news reporters react like Armageddon has arrived and we should all sit at home and not dare get on the road.) But I always go against the grain.

I hit the multiplex.

Here's a little factoid. I went to USC (University of Southern California) to study Film. I had a professor there who made a proclamation on day one…Go see movies at a movie theater. Take in the experience, and make it an event.

Over the years, as friends have built screening rooms, purchased larger-than-life TV's, I've been able to watch movies with a fire roaring, sipping a cup of hot coco, in my pjs…and here's the thing, I have always felt guilty. Films are made to be enjoyed in a theater, with an audience of more than one. This I wholly believe in.

There is this new trend here in Hollywood, and I'm not sure I'm digging it. Movie theaters are transforming the standard rows and rows of seats and making the "theater going experience" like you haven't left your living room. They are tearing out seats for sofas, serving full on gourmet meals versus popcorn, and swamping soda for beer and wine. They are assigning seats, and hiring a wait staff instead of ushers. I'm totally serious.

I will admit, I have one local "art house" theater that who is bucking the trend and has the most uncomfortable seats. But, for two hours, I can suffer through it because they show some really great films. (This theater never got the "stadium seating" trend either…so god forbid you sit behind a tall person.)

Oh and newsflash: If you decide to go on a date to a movie in Hollywood…bring your wallet. It's going to cost you. Sofas and alcohol ain't cheap and will set you back a good $15.00 a ticket to take in a blockbuster (even more if it's in IMAX or 3D). I've been on more than one date recently where he took me to the "love seat" style theater. Dude…I'll take the lazy boy chairs, we aren't in your frickin house so paws off on the love seat. (PDA in a dark theater is not cool in my book. I actually do enjoy movies. Oh and I have my own place for that stuff!)

I tend to head to outer boroughs for a bargain. My friend Lori (and fellow USC classmate) and I went to film recently and she was SHOCKED when it cost $6.75. (I know. So cheap. And yes it was a matinee, but still…that's a good deal for a matinee.) This did take some searching, but bargains can be found.

I'm kinda not cool with the whole 3D thing either. You see…these films aren't shot in 3D, they are enhanced with 3D. Maybe I'm getting old, but I get kinda dizzy watching films in 3D. And no offense, it's just a way for theaters to make more money and charge more for this experience. I watched a mother and her three crying children beg her to take them to "Yogi Bear" – but she couldn't find a "regular" version of the film and ended up shelling out an extra $20 for the 3D version, and trust me…her kids didn't need to have the 3D experience. SO what is probably going to happen in the future, she won't be able to find a "regular version", and can't afford all these rising costs (due to comfy chairs etc.) so she's not going to go to the movies, and she's going to wait until she can purchase the DVD for her three crying children to watch it at home. And wouldn't that be a shame…her kids won't get that "theater going experience".

(The 3D and IMAX cost exception would be seeing a grand film like "Avatar" – which took me multiple visits to sold out theaters before I was able to see it in IMAX 3D – and it was worth the extra costs. So film nerds…I get that, no hate mail. Thank you.)

I understand why people build their own theater experiences at home. But I don't think people understand how much they are shelling out for their "at home" movie going. Sure you can stream Netflix from your sofa, but how often were you going to the movies in the first place? Why not make it an experience and actually co-mingle with other patrons? I don't get it.

I have a friend Gary who was telling me about his 800 BluRay DVD collection and his 50 inch TV…blah blah blah. Here's the thing Gar…save your dough, go to the movies, and well...use the money from your collection for some Real Estate? Add it up…you've spend about $2,000 on your TV, Surround sound, and probably $16,000 on DVD's, you probably won't watch again, and aren't as good as when you saw them on a big screen the first time.

I have another friend Suzy, who was confessing to me that she has begun to sell some of her beloved VHS collection because she knows she's never going to watch them. Why? She no longer owns a VHS machine. You see…the technology is changing folks. Everything will eventually end up on our giant TV's and we will be able to stream everything over our cables, wifi and giant dishes shoved down our throats by the entertainment industry. But here's my point. Just go to a movie the old fashioned way…in a movie theater. And let it transport you for two hours. There is truly nothing more blissful.

Of course, I'm writing this right after I viewed "Black Swan" (for $6.75)…so I am a little disturbed right now. But that was my point. I loved every minute of my experience.

See you at the movies.

HC

 

 

Letter to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,
I'm not writing you as some young sugar high child, a sad widow who lost her husband in the war, or a victim of some horrible disease on her death bed…No. I'm just a pathetic single woman who thought if I can't find Mr. Right through every other channel, why not write to Santa Claus? I mean, as a kid, you were good to me…I put my wish list on paper and mailed it off to the North Pole and you always delivered: a pink bicycle, new roller skates and Kermit the frog sheets… Then on Christmas Day, poof, they arrived under my tree. So I thought, why not count on you once again?
With that…I would like:
A man (no boys)
Currently Single (he could be divorced, have kids…I'm good with that.)
Lives in or around Los Angeles (there are what…3 million men in Los Angeles, you must be able to find one that fits these criteria.)
Wants to love me (I was going to say…treats me like a princess…but then I thought you'd think I am younger than I really am….and also…I don't need a tiara I just want to be loved…cause rarely do I feel I get the love back.)
It'd be nice if he had a job (I'd like to retain my life as a freelance writer…and let's face facts, my money is feast of famine…famine isn't probably the best word here…might upset Angelina Jolie, so lets say…my finances aren't always fruitful…although doing pretty good thus far.)
He likes art, movies, live concerts and an occasional play and doesn't mind my obsession with really bad reality programming. (But he should understand that I've become a better cook after watching every season of Top Chef, right?)
He can laugh at himself. (I make fun of 'too serious guy' so he needs to lighten up. Plus, clearly I tend to crack myself up.)
He's not a total hermit and can hold up in a crowd (but please don't break into song in the middle of the mall.)
Doesn't maul me with total PDA (had one of those this year. That was scary.)
Carries a decent amount of chivalry (doesn't yell at waiters for example…and also should know when to pull me away when I'm having a full on melt down on Black Friday at the Best Buy yelling at the manager…thankfully my sister was there to rescue me.)
Can play scrabble with me. (I'm trying to avoid the phrase, "he has to have game"…cause I'm not taking swagger here…just someone who is smart enough to play a board game would be nice.)
Santa, I tell you all this because I've been really really good this year. I brush my teeth every night, take out the trash when it's full, do my assignments when they are due (sort of), am a good friend to my friends, and volunteer my time when I can.
So, that's all. I will expect him to be under my tree (no wrapping or bows necessary) on December 25^th.
Thanks again Santa.
Love and only love,
Heidi

Indifferent Fools

Why are women addicted to bad boys? I'm not talking about abusers (guys who hit, stalk, emotionally scar women…) I'm more looking at lazy losers, who forget to call, the indifferent attitudes, those who seriously treat you like shit, oh and the classic, those who leave their dishes out for you to pick up.
Why? What's attractive about that?
I've had one or two of these in my life (maybe even three of four). Why didn't I just walk away? If a man raised his hand to me…hell, I'd be out the door in a nanosecond. But the indifferent 'who doesn't give a shit' guy…I'll keep him around for months.
Is it the chase? The searching for answers? The 'why are you treating me like garbage when I'm the best damn thing you'll ever get so why are you doing this to me?'
I guess I want his lame answer. And I don't know why.
One of my 'indifferent idiots' constantly made plans, then on the night of the supposed date wherein I'd change into cute clothes, then wait. And wait. And wait. And wait for him to text, call or suddenly show up. Finally around 8:00pm I'd call him and get a machine. By this time, my blood would boil over, I'd put on my sweats and eat ice cream. He did it to me again. He didn't call and had me glued to my phone waiting for him to call. Usually, the next day or even up to a week later, he'd call like nothing ever happened and say, let's get together. Now the bitter me, wanted to stand him up. See how it feels. But…I was raised better than that. Plans are plans. So I'd victim-ly go out and nothing would be mentioned of the stand up from the prior day/week.
Now, I understand when "something comes up". But we are in an era of smartphones…send me an email, a text, or hell…why not call and give me your lame excuse? Are you afraid of my response? Timid lazy slacker. I truly don't/didn't/will not care. But as a woman…I want/need/desire your lame excuse.
Here's my thought: You didn't win, because you let a really good, smart, and fun girl go. (And lots of thanks for treating me like shit in the process…do you feel better? You actually hurt my feelings. You my friend, are a true dickhead.)
Once I was seeing yet another indifferent guy, and he was totally afraid to call me and tell me "I'm just not that into you". His situation was…he was just too lame to tell me the truth. Instead he led me on for months. We chatted, flirted even, yet he never made plans. Finally, I dunno, two months later, he gets the courage to tell me "I can't date you."
Of course, this was not the answer he should have told me. I would have much preferred "I'm not into you" – because saying "you can't date me" put all sorts of thoughts in my head. Was I obsessive? Did I say something to piss you off? Did I push too hard toward a relationship? What? Don't be so open ended. Just give me something to chew on so I don't recalculate every step I made with you during our "relationship". In other words, don't be an indifferent asshole.
Guys…let me fill you in here: Women…dissect every move you make, every word you utter, and re-live it out with our girlfriends. Don't confuse us. And don't be indifferent because sooner or later we just give up. You wasted our time. You are one lazy asshole.
Your loss.
(But why am I secretly hoping you'll call?)…the cycle always continues for me….

Where the Men Are

People always ask me, "Where do I find a good guy?"

Like I'm some expert. Please.

Ladies, it's time to think outside of the box. Not all men are sitting at a bar waiting to talk to women. Women, like men, go to bars with their friends. Men don't go to bars to chat up random women. And the men that do go to bars to chat up random women are not the guys women want to talk to. Right?

So I put my thinking cap on…and put together a list of random spots for you to meet men. If you are like me, you want to move beyond internet dating (which bytheway…I've met many nice men on…so don't knock it out.) …and developed this list from many hours of "research". (Stop laughing…it's tax right off-able now.)

Gardening class: No joke, my friend Kelly and I met the HOTTEST men at a gardening cooperative extension class. Seriously, there were about ten men and ten women (and the women weren't lookers, and for once…we were!) Eight out of the ten guys were smoking hot. Cargo shorts, shirts optional, and they were into "composting". To sum it up…they had hot bods, were eco-crunchy, and needed a bath, but we shared similar interests and they had no problem coming over to "look at my yard" (sexual overtones welcome). When the weather warms, consider a class at the local garden center or cooperative extension in your hood. Ladies, get your green on.

Camping Superstores (such as REI): Similar types to the gardeners above abound at REI. Hot dudes like to look at camping stuff. So even if you would no way in hell sleep under the stars, heading to REI is a lot of fun. At the one closest to my house, they have a "rock wall" which you can climb for free (as long as you sign up for a membership…which doesn't cost anything). Give it a try. Make noise and seek help. Having a guy tell you about good "belays, harnesses, and awesome hiking trails" is like the holy grail of manly men. Who knows, he might inspire you to cuddle in his sleeping bag.

Electronics Store: On the opposite end of the spectrum…if you want a serious home body, there is no better place than a clueless woman in the TV section of a Best Buy to meet her knight with a remote control. High Def, Surround Sound, blue ray players, pixel count…whatever…I know you don't really give a shit about that stuff…but let him do the talking. Guys love to tell you about this crap. So let him. Finally, ask him what his favorite movie is…and you would really like to experience "Avatar" on a 50" TV before you purchase one. If he takes the bait, you might just have yourself a hot date back at his place sooner than you can set up your direct TV dish.

Book Store Music departments: I don't know why…but I see a lot of dating couples in a bookstore, but the women go off to read best sellers, and guys head to the music section. Here's the thing: Go in looking for something, stating "….I heard the latest Arcade Fire CD is just okay, but I loved their last album, can you make a suggestion?" If they tell you they don't work there…good. So you respond with "oh, I'm sorry, do you have any suggestions anyway? I just want some new music for my ipod." The girlfriend is reading book covers…she won't notice you stealing her man in the music dept. He is far more interested in you now than her anyway…and their relationship is probably on the rocks…because she's reading books and not having sex with him. Similar…go to music events. Only note…they are usually there to listen to the music. So it's similar to a bar….you will see men, but hard to talk to them. So my suggestion is to head to music stores first to meet them then go to the concert.

5k's, 10k's, half Marathons, Marathons, Mud Runs, and other "running" activities: I don't "run" but recently I told a friend I would take photos of her on her run. Ladies it was the Holy Grail of single men. Actually, I took photos at a "Mud Run" (which was sponsored by Miller Lite) and there were men to spare. Gorgeous men covered in mud, drinking beer. Had I been more prepared (ah, looked a bit better than I rolled out of bed)…I would have had my serious flirt on. Men, men, men, everywhere. I've also rooted on a friend when she did her first marathon and had the same experience…hotties in running shorts. So go, be supportive sport, but be near the finish line (otherwise…they just run past you.) (Also note: anything sponsored by a beer company is going to bring out the guys. So "like" all beer companies on Facebook and they will tell you when these events are. Seriously.)

Join a "club" such as Movie clubs, poker tournaments, or join the office softball team: You don't need to be a huge sporty gal (they will thing you are a lesbian) but you can warm the bench and bake treats for your team, while checking out the men on the other teams. If you like movies, find a local "cinema society" or a theater doing a retrospective -- usually there is a "discussion" after the film, and a perfect way to meet new people.

Got game? Do a poker tournament at a casino. Get out and about with "man hobbies" – why not?

Wine or beer tasting or "foodie" events: With this increasing obsession for the culinary arts, more and more special events revolve around "tasting" events. Grab a male or female friend and saddle up next to a pack of single men. Taste food and discuss. Easy openers are all over these events. Recently, I went to a "food truck" event in the parking lot of the stadium. 50 trucks, one entrance fee, tons of guys everywhere. Now, I will admit, there were lots of couples at this too…but, I went with a group, and we had 2 single men in our "pack" – so not only did I get to know them, but I also met men along the route who had similar tastes to mine. "Did you try the Thai truck..it was awesome." It was literally a smorgasbord or men and food. One word: heaven. (Although I did need a Tums the next morning).

These are just a few ideas you might not have heard of…if you have a suggestion…let me know. I'm up for something new (all in the name of research).

Create Your Team

I heard a great story today. A friend of mine has a friend who recently got engaged. "Congratulations…how did you meet?" And the answer wasn't what she expected.

Here's the tale: Woman A was sitting at her favorite bar/country club. Woman B walks in and is waiting for her boyfriend of six months to finish his round of golf…chats it up with Woman A. "My boyfriend is the best, brings me flowers, super at tentative, the perfect man I've dated in years…" says Woman B .

I know you know where this is going…..

Well Woman A has her game on. After Woman B has left the building, Woman A tells the bartender when so-and-so boyfriend of Woman B shows up at the country club to call her. She also tells this info to the valet (in case the bartender falls short). You guessed it…the boyfriend shows up. Woman A gets a call and flirts with the guy. They chat and have a great conversation. He ends up dumping Woman B and dating Woman A….and now, they are engaged.

We've all done it. Bragged about our great guys and we've also bitched about our bad guys. But you never really know the company you're keeping. A single desperate woman could be in your mist. But was it wrong of Woman A to, ahhhhh, nag a great guy? If this guy sounded too good to be true, and hadn't yet proposed to Woman B…was he fair game? Or was Woman A a boyfriend stealer?

Now….I love this story. Because it's the story of a great guy…not knowing he's a great guy…and the desperate women who well…fought or lost him.

Now, Woman A was a smart cookie. Upon hearing about this "great guy" she used her connections at the bar (and apparently in town) to spread her worthiness. She was available and wanted to also be a great girlfriend and now, wife. She was prepared…we don't know if Woman B was.

So this made me re-examine my own life and dating world. Am I prepared for a relationship? Do I have everything together to be a good and supportive partner? Answer: For the right guy. You bet I am.

I used to think getting married and being in a relationship was all about finances. We must come to the table as equal partners. Well, that's a myth. Then I thought, oh, I must lose ten pounds and look fantastic, that will work. Wrong again. It's really a head game. Are you ready to be emotionally there for one another? Are you that perfect fit with him and he with you? Sometimes this takes time to figure out, and sometimes it just clicks.

Now, if I was at the bar and heard about someone's "perfect guy" tale…I don't know if I have enough game to plot my "steal" – but I do like the idea of having a "team" tell great guys about me.

So think about what team you would create. Maybe co-workers, members of your church, family, people you know from charity groups, or similar interests groups, bartenders and valets and of course good friends. If you hear about a great guy…someone is bound to know him too in your circle. Enlist your friends to talk about you and call you when he happens to be spotted out and about. Get your game on and be prepared. The prepared girl, it seems, gets the guy.

Good luck.

Thick Love

Have you heard about the Marie Claire blogger issue? Let me fill you in. This blogger, Maura Kelly, wrote a post where she basically states she's disgusted watching fat people make out on the street and on TV (they have a picture from the CBS show "Mike and Molly" with the blog post). http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/dating-blog/overweight-couples-on-television

Now, I'm no skinny minny, I am like most humans…someone who is in the constant struggle with their weight. Ms. Kelly, in her retraction, has confessed that she has dealt with anorexia. (Which I guess she feels makes her an "expert" in weight issues….????)

She gives her two cents to the obese to: "….eat more fresh and unprocessed foods, read labels and avoid foods with any kind of processed sweetener in them whether it's cane sugar or high fructose corn syrup, increase the amount of fiber you're getting, get some kind of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week, and do everything you can to stand up more — even while using your computer — and walk more. I admit that there's plenty that makes slimming down tough, but YOU CAN DO IT! Trust me. It will take some time, but you'll also feel so good, physically and emotionally. A nutritionist or personal trainer will help — and if you can't afford one, visit your local YMCA for some advice."

Hum. Okay Ms. Kelly: I go to the gym roughly 4 to 5 times a week for a solid hour workout. I never drink soda, and haven't had fast or processed food in over three years (something I gave up for New Years 2007 and haven't gone back.) Bottom line: Weight issues are personal. Every person is unique and different. Everyone has to deal with their own issues whether it's physical or psychological. Why would I (or anyone else) even consider taking your advice whether it's truthful or not? Who died and made you an expert?

What really gets me in a tizzy about this blog post and her retraction, is the lack of a response from Marie Claire. Within their pages, they publish a fantastic column called "Big Girl in a Skinny World" by Ashley Falcon, who in the words of Maura Kelly is, shall we say "plump" – Ashley Falcon is a fashion conscious consumer who struggles with trends for her curves and finds a solution and gives great advice. It's well written, honest and relatable.

So when Marie Claire's own blogger writes that she finds it "gross" to watch fat people make out…where is Ashley? (This is your swan song Ashley…and Marie Claire should be putting her front and center on this issue.)

If you read Maura Kelly's bio, she apparently is writing a novel, and considers dating her job. (I wonder how that is working for her?) Bottom line is that Maura offended a treasure trove of readers by simply not being relatable and touting her own personal thoughts about the obese (lumping every single person who has a weight issue together) and offending masses of readers.

BUT….let's discuss the thicker issue here (pun intended). Being overweight and dating sucks. And if Ms. Kelly writes a dating blog, and she wants to write about real weight issues, why not write about "Sex and Thunder Thighs", "He's a good 30 lbs Heavier than his Profile Picture" or "First Date Fashion to Hide Your Muffin Top"?

So while people can protest, cancel their subscriptions to Marie Claire, blah blah blah…I do enjoy fashion and being trendy and I love Ashley Falcon's column.

I have seriously dived into the weight issue with my new novel ("Love in the Time of Skinny Jeans") and what I do know is that men are bias to "plump women". I deal with my weight every day of my life and I constantly struggle with my own image issues. BUT, I try not to judge people. It is hard to lose weight and keep it off. But it's even harder to be single in a sea of skinny people (aka Hollywood). So rather than be "disgusted" by fat people, let's all be sisters in the struggle.

Lost in Translation

You've heard the phrase, "men are from Mars and women are from Venus." While I don't think we are from outer space, I do think men are men and women are women…we are just simply wired differently.

Recently I had a friend who went on vacation to China. She took these fabulous pictures of all these signs that were meant to be read by English speaking tourists. They cracked me up…but it also brought up and interesting point. Sometimes our messages and actions can be interpreted in many ways. Since I'm not a guy, I'm often flabbergasted when I get an email, text or a voicemail message that makes no sense. Is he trying to tell me something? Is he being vague because maybe he has a girlfriend and I'm his side show? Does he really think it's okay to cancel on me again? What is going on? Are you just not that into me?

Here's a secret: When I'm about to get my period…I cry. Cry at the emotional coffee commercials, cry at the inspirational talk shows, hell, I cry during a funny sitcom. Literally, I will sit there with my Kleenex and think…I should go buy some tampons. Men…you cannot understand this feeling. You just can't and well…I don't understand it myself. I just know when I start to cry at totally lame commercials, I'm probably pre-menstrual.

Somewhere in our breakdowns between the sexes we have to come to the realization that we're different. I wholly believe this is why both men and women need their spaces in their houses. Call them "man caves" or "craft rooms" or whatever…just give me some alone time and move out of my way.

Which brings me to my madness today….I've been dating a guy who always comes up with the loftiest tales to tell me when he wants to cancel a date. Common one liners are: I'm sick; I have to work late; I'm too tired… etc. All signs are pointing he's not that into me. BUT when I bring it up to him…he honestly thinks no, that's not the case…he's just sick, tired, and working too much. I should just understand, move out of his way. The game is on. And that's when I crack. The calm rational girl and me walks out of the house and goes for a walk to blow off my steam. But in reality, I call my best friend and have a major bitch session. The guy has screwed up …again and he just doesn't get it.

Now I am no fool. I know when there is a baseball playoff game on, I understand the Sunday football commitments, and when something better comes up like….ah…sitting on the couch…I get it. Who isn't tired?

So is he lying? Or am I just lost in the male translation of his actions? Does he just need space and doesn't know how to verbalize this to me? I don't want to come off as some needy chick who is constantly calling him or texting him…but can you give me a bit more than "I'm sick."? Yes..this is where we differ. Men think that's the excuse and end of story. Newsflash: Women need more. We want to know you are committed. Try this: "Honey, I'm not feeling well but I promise to take you out on next Friday, if I feel better." Now was that so hard?

I don't think men and women will ever really know or understand one another, for now, we are just going to be lost in translation. So if I start crying when a Folgers commercial comes on you can just politely move out of the way and I will try and understand your Sunday ritual of sitting around in a smelly football jersey eating chips and watching football all day rather than having sex.

Well, I'll try and understand that.

HC

Pull the Trigger

Okay, has this ever happened to you? You have been emailing a guy. You get along great but he never asks you out? And then he drops the excuse… "I'm new in town. Where do you want to meet?"
Really? Do we need to do everything? Get a plan, call, and be a man. This is called: Pulling the trigger.

From simple first dates, to asking a girl to the school dance, to busting a first kiss, and well hell, the holy grail of proposing with a ring…these are all "trigger pull" issues for men. This is not the day and age to be shy, sit in the corner, and wait for us to tell you what we want…just do it. Rejection is not that bad.

The First Date Triggers: There are a gaggle of Starbucks worldwide. So if you want a simple first date. Pick one and meet there. Now, how hard was that? Pull it. End of story. For the more adventurous first daters, suggest a restaurant or activity (bowling, miniature golf, ice skating, movie etc). It is perfectly acceptable to ask what type of food we like (not everyone is a sushi eater, or they might be a vegetarian.) Do a little research, read some restaurant reviews, maybe scope out the restaurant in a drive by, get the movie times, and then pull the trigger with a plan. Easy!

The Trigger Kiss: You know that awkward moment, you're on your second or third date and you wouldn't mind for the guy to kiss you goodnight. So let's say, he walks you to your car, if you're not interested…you jump in the car and say thanks. You dodged a bullet. BUT, if you give him a hug, lock eyes and tilt you head. This is the universal symbol to give us a kiss. Now I'm not saying to go in full throttle PDA and make out in a parking lot. But throw us an interest. If you turn and go and don't even walk us to our car…well, yeah…we get it. Not interested.

I went out with a guy recently who got nervous every time he went to kiss me. "I don't like kissing in a parking lot" he told me. Seriously, he gave me a peck and five minutes later texted me "I wish I could have really kissed you…" So, why didn't you? Hello???

Now, what should he have done?

A) Gave me a more than a peck in the parking lot.
B) Whispered in my ear that he wanted to kiss me more and suggest a location to go other than the parking lot.
C) Waited until the next date wherein the date would end in an intimate location not a parking lot.
D) All of the above.
My answer would have been B. (His text was actually kinda close to "whispering".) So where did this lead to? Yes…we met up ten minutes later and had a wonderful make out session back at my place…because afterall…he was a non-trigger puller and I knew he wanted me to make it simple for him.

The 'back in the saddle' non trigger puller: You know the type. He was just burned in a relationship, or divorced, or just a guy who hasn't been on a lot of dates. He's forgotten how to date! Please, please, please. Call with a plan. I was communicating with one of these lately. He loved to email but the thought of actually meeting scared the crap out of him. Would I be disappointed in what he looked like? Would I notice that he didn't date much? Didn't have much hair? Was I sure I wanted to go out with him. Hello….if you lied in your "online profile" – that's your issue. There was something in your profile and emails that peaked my interest to at least go out for a cup of coffee and meet you. Stop with the witty emails and wasting way too much of my time. Let's just meet. Pull the trigger.

You know what really drives me mad? These 'back in the saddle' types who ask way too many questions. Example: Terry was a serial non-trigger puller. He'd send me these great emails. Full of witty responses, thoughtful messages, and caring thoughts. But Terry could not for the life of him pull the trigger. He could never commit to a date, location, or time. I knew he was interested, but coming up with suggestions was getting old. I was leading him to water way to many times. Here's a classic line he'd write me: "I'm thinking about going out to dinner with you. Do you know any great Italian restaurants? What's your week looking like? "

Now…Terry's not really asking me on a date he just wants some suggestions. And he doesn't tell me how his week looks like, but wants to know mine.

So I screw with Terry. "I'm free tonight. There is a great Italian place around the corner from my apartment. Wanna meet at 7:00pm?" Yeah…didn't date him very long. His tactic didn't work because he didn't know how to make a plan and pull the trigger.

Hope this is enlightening to my male readers. Ladies…can I get an amen?

You're welcome.

HC

Sex Scandal

This morning while working out at the gym, I glanced up and watched Meredith Veira on the TV talking about the female Duke student who wrote a 42 page Power Point presentation on her various sexual partners. The female student emailed it to three friends…and well…they didn't keep it to themselves. Opps.

So this student is in a pickle. Or is she? She wrote a pretty funny, well written, ah hem, accurate diatribe on stupid things men think is sexy (FYI…guys take some notes here.) But did she really think her three friends would just keep it to themselves? The female student was interviewed with jezebel.com wherein she defends herself stating, "Fraternities rank women all the time." True. They just don't write up a 42 page Power Point presentation on it.

So is she wrong?

With my variety of female magazines surrounding my desk (that's you, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, InStyle, Marie Claire, Elle, Lucky, Allure) and all your articles on sex positions, how to talk to men in bed, etc etc. What's the difference? Right. She posted pictures of her subjects. (That was slander…especially for those lower ranked.) But the real question is…did she or did she not mean it to go viral?

Now I'm not going to sit here and condone this student. She's young, made an obvious mistake. Let's face facts, people are talking about it, and she's going to get a book deal out of this. Hell, she'll probably get hired by a woman's magazine to blog about dates. But I digress.

Beyond spending way too many hours after each date writing up her dissertations on the male anatomy or saving various sext messages from her partners…she obviously thought it was important to tell her friends before they headed to the bar. A little "pre warning" to her friends if they encountered any of these men at the local watering hole. (Bytheway…I do think it's sad that she never had any real "relationships" with these men…just sex.)

So what did she do? Well…she sized up men by outlining eight categories. Physical Attractiveness, Size, Talent, Creativity, Aggressiveness, Entertainment (she provides 'dirty talk' transcripts), athletic ability and my favorite category "Bonus" where she gave men extra points for having an Australian accent, but minus points for being Canadian. (Funny!)

Now, have you ever called a friend after a date and given them the blow-by-blow? Of course you have. Who doesn't do this? But intimate details of my sexual encounters…yeah, I don't really go into details with my friends. Some things are just left up to the imagination.

My motto is…what happens in the bedroom…stays in the bedroom. I don't need to type it down on my computer, write it in my journal, or put it up on my blog. Because you know what…someone might just read it.

But for our female Duke University friend, well, here's the thing…sex sells. So don't give the "presentation" for free. Get a book deal.

What are your thoughts?

Heidi
Here's a link to the article:
http://jezebel.com/5652114/college-girls-power-point-fuck-list-goes-viral-gallery?skyline=true&s=i

The Science of Online Dating

The programmer/psychologist behind match.com and Yahoo Personals has a new book out Who Should You Have Sex With?: The Secrets to Great Sexual Chemistry Author Mark Thompson claims you will never find "Mr. or Mrs. Right on the internet" – Really? Why?

There is no exit interview.

Hum. Good point. He suggests there be some sort of exit interview (ala Netflix) that will help you narrow your search. And while we see numerous commercials with happy couples and their nuptials displayed all over the TV, in reality, many couples meet online, but one in ten actually make a couple.

So does that mean I have to go through ten dates before I find Mr. Okay to date?

This has me dreaming of some exit interview multi-million dollar online dating company to start up (yes, I did just see The Social Network)…would that work? And honestly, are couples really connected through some sort of mathematic equation figured out by psychologists and computer programmers? I thought finding a mate was through face-to-face connections? You just increase your odds by actually going out and meeting new people. No?

Here's the truth. I'm a social butterfly. I have a number of friends. But…somewhere in my dating life, I was way too into my job/life to actually look at men as date-able objects. Then one day, I turned around and everyone was married. And now I go out with my friends and they have no single men to set me up with. And I often wonder…how did this happen? When did this happen? And how do I find someone? Pronto.

Enter internet dating.

Now I will admit, I've met a few guys I just didn't click with after a first or second date. No problem. You just get back on the horse. But the thing I like…I am actually meeting new people who are single. Compare that to the "old days" of being set up by friends, meeting men in bars, or *gasp* answering a personal ad – volume doesn't actually mean more quality, but I am having way more fun and it's relatively easy.

So Mr. Thompson…your "overpromised and under-delivered" results in online dating sites might ring true for many, but I for one, am happy too actually meet single men. Because I don't know where they are in my town – and my guess is, I'll find more single men on the internet than I will anywhere else.

HC

Chivalry

He opened the door, pulled out my seat, and paid for dinner but when he told me he was thinking about bringing me flowers, he asked if that would have been too much. It put me into a quandary. "Yes, I think it would look like you were trying to hard" I answered honestly.

I look back at when my parents dated some forty years ago, would it have been odd if my dad showed up and brought her flowers on a first date? Answer: No.

So why is it odd to me today?

I've been on a couple dates recently wherein these men proclaimed chivalry is not dead. I'm not so sure if its chivalry or just a basic respect for women. So I ask….what's the difference? If you respect a woman, you'd open her door, you'd ask her if she'd want anything when you where heading to the kitchen, you'd pull out her chair before she sat down. There is that certain aspect to a man that when he does these small gestures…we instantly see a sign that he likes us. If he let the door slam in our faces, or checks his email/phone incessantly, well, I think he just wants to get this little "meeting" over with so he can head home and watch some more Sportcenter. He's not that into you.

So I looked up the word chivalry in the dictionary. Basically…unless you are a knight (or working at medieval times), the word is pretty dated. Courage, honor, justice, helping the weak or poor (this is starting to sound like a job interview for a law enforcement officer…); courtesy to women or a well mannered man. Eureka! A well mannered man. But does this mean he needs to bring you flowers on a first date? Ah no.

Women have come a long way since medieval times. We don't need rescuing but we also don't mind it when you kill the creepy crawly things in our apartments. So don't bring me flowers as you come riding in on your shiny white horse, it's not necessary. But you are a true well mannered gentleman if you make me chicken noodle soup when I'm sick, tell me how beautiful I look while sick, and well, hold my hair back when I actually get sick.

For me chivalry means well mannered and for that, then I would say, chivalry is not dead. But it's still odd if you buy me flowers on a first date.

HC

 

 

 

Is It Really Fall?

Happy Last Weekend of Summer.
Sort of depressing isn't it? It goes so fast. I always have all these plans I'm going to get done during the summer, yet never tend to get to all the chores. Sound familiar.
I can't tell you how many people I've talked to who tell me…"wow, I wish I can be you." While being a novelist sounds lovely, and well "novel" it's not an easy thing. There are periods of total freak out (you don't get paid until you book actually hits the bookstore), and many "temp"-tations of temping on smaller writer gigs to pay the bills. But it's the shear freedom that I do adore.

I should describe my "work" location – I write my blog at my dining room table overlooking the most picturesque beach and pier. (It's ok…you can hate me…) But when the sun gleams through my sliding doors and pills into the living room…well…I head across the street to the beach. (You should see my tan.) The only issue I have…I can't use my computer at the beach. Trust me I've tried. Phone calls…yeah, I get the best "coverage" on my deck in one of those lifeguard-type chairs. So I put on my sunglasses, and "roll calls" on the deck. It's great…until the gardener decides to run the lawn mower.

Now before you all go into the "I hate Heidi" comments…you all haven't seen my bank account. Being a writer for a living is not the type of career that brings in the big dough but it is very freeing. While my friends think, wow, you can sleep until noon write a couple blogs and polish off your new novel blah blah blah…what I've learned is …it's a lot more work than I anticipated. I typically work ten to twelve hour days. (Sort of like a doctor…no?) Everything I read, do, think, I try and work into a story, blog, or article. Don't get me wrong…I'm currently "studying" People Magazines Emmy red carpet dresses with much glee.

If you think writing is easy. Here is a fact for you: It took me ten LONG years to write my first novel. And trust me, I'm like a school girl about to start school in anticipation of it coming out. I am very lucky to be part of the most incredible book writing club and these ladies have read every word I have written and given me such honest feedback. (I think they were as surprised as I was when it sold.)

My Fabulous Book Writing Club

A typical day for me is coffee (Starbucks just gave me a gold card!); workout; shower; emails/phone calls; write – I only break from writing if I have a meeting. If I get stuck…I take a bike ride. I usually "stop" working around eight pm. Another thing, being a writer is also being a good salesperson. I can't tell you how many people have told me "I wrote a book and it didn't sell" – You have to put in as much effort as you did in writing a book as you do selling it. I've acted as my own publicist, manager, book store owner etc to promote myself. I pitch to magazines, blogs, community columns, TV shows, radio programs, and bookstores for personal appearances. "Heidi is so much fun, she'll have fun with your patrons" talking about myself in the third person. (I tend to crack myself up too.)

And I will say, being a writer can be a very lonely world too. I so enjoy when a friend calls me and brings me out of my writing work and says "Lets run errands" so I can ask about my character. Recently I was watching the Emmy's with a friend and I was making comments about the dresses, and she told me I sounded like the character from my second book (I think that was a compliment???) So, in reality, I'm never really off the hook and "not working".

But, nothing counts as much as my fans. Those of you who read my blog, send me emails whether they are debating a stupid idea, or sending me love notes. I read them all with much happiness.
Thank you all for being on this journey with me. It means the world. So keep reading, visiting and giving me feedback. I love a good argument.
Now…back to work. It is fall after all.
HC

The Run In

Even though there are over a million people in Los Angeles, why is it, when on a date, I happen to run into an ex? Why me? (This event has happened on more than one occasion.) Across the room I saw him staring at me, so I gave him a wink and a raise of my glass as if to toast him, but I was on a date. No, strike that, I was on a first date. I told my date I saw an old co-worker across the room which is why I was raising my glass to him. He seemed to believe me and we continued with our first date awkwardness and questions. But I couldn't stop thinking about my ex and was hoping to catch him looking at me out of the corner of my eye.

The ex did not come up to me and say Hi…he too give me the obligatory raise of his glass and them murmured something to his friends at the bar. Did he notice I was with another guy? Was he jealous I was with another guy? Was he noticing how hot I looked? And most importantly, why didn't he come up to me and say Hi. Chicken. He was chicken. Right?

Now…

1. Why did I lie to my date?
   
2. Why didn't I excuse myself and say "Hi, how are you doing?"
   
3. Why did I secretly want my ex to call me that night (or the next couple days)?
   
4. Why was it so hard for me to NOT call my ex for the next couple days?
   

Right. I wasn't over my ex. You know what. I was over my ex. But, it's just when you have a run in, you return to the good times of the relationship and for a nanosecond, it seems like a good idea to go out with him again.

Dating is tough. Getting to know someone new is tough. With an ex there is familiarity. You know each other and it's easy to slip back down the slippery slope.

My advice to you: Be strong.

When encountering an ex – remember, he's an ex for a reason. How many times do you need to give him? Remind yourself, "What would my girlfriends tell me?" (Yeah…they will tell you to move on too. Trust me. They heard you the billion times you complained about him.)

I don't think ex's really understand the ex-factor. They don't understand the weeks/months it took us to get over them. With one chance encounter out on the town, I've now had to spend the next week wondering about my ex. (This is utterly not fair.)

Two good calls to my sister and best friend snapped me right back into perspective. I have to remind myself when seeing an ex…he let a good girl go (or I let a bad guy go) – whatever the case. I prop up my self esteem (I'm a damn good catch), hit the gym (I like the endorphin high and the way my arms look in a sleeveless top), ramp up the ipod with some liberating tunes ("If You Can Afford Me" by Katy Perry is a recent fav), and troll around match.com looking for a new guy.

Moving on. And next time I see an ex, it won't take me that long to forget about him. (I hope.)

Redefining Prince Charming

"Life is good without spending a dime as long as you give it time." Heidi Carson

I have a friend who said to me that he didn't want to date right now because dating costs money and well…he doesn't have a job. While I understand his concern, I don't think he should give up all hope because of his current unemployed situation. He's a great guy…. completely funny, truly smart, and has a heart of gold. But are we women superficial that we will only see him as unemployed?

This scenario reminded me of a time when a friend told me he could not go on a diet because it costs too much to be healthy. Call me strange…but I actually think they are both wrong. Both are making excuses to not do something. For my unemployed non dating friend, he equates love with money, and for my fat friend, he equates diet as expensive. Do they not see the road blocks that are so abundant before them?

Apparently not.

So being honest here (as I always try)…sure. Being unemployed, is not an ideal situation, but as I look behind every road block there is a good woman who is your cheerleader. If he was already in a relationship and lost his job, wouldn't his girlfriend (or wife) support him as he pursued every option possible? (Answer: a good woman would; a superficial woman wouldn't.)

So what are you truly looking for? Someone superficial or someone who cares about you?

While it might be tough to get started with someone while unemployed, there are a number of cost effective dates he can impress a woman with and show his funny, witty side and hopefully gain her support.

Here are a couple cost efficient date ideas:

1. A picnic: Sure wine and cheese cost money (you are talking to the girl who spent $50 on wine and cheese for a friend stopping by recently thinking it was cost effective…its not.) But, why not make homemade chocolate chip cookies, fruit salad, something picked up from a local bakery as a treat. Point will be earned in the effort.
   
2. A hike: I love an easy hike for a date (although, I've learned my lesson lately to check tidal charts when hiking on the beach!) Bring me a water and a piece of fruit and you gain major points.
   
3. During summer months: free concerts on weekends in the parks. Okay…these are everywhere in the summer. It shows you are a planner and we like that. (And truly we won't think its gay when you invite us to the "Neil Diamond Cover Band"…you got us out and thought out of the box...good job.)
   
4. BBQ at your house. Who needs a fancy restaurant when you can show us your grill skills on your patio?
   
5. Invite us to "watch a game" at your pad with your friends. When you introduce us to your friends…you already score points because you feel comfortable introducing us to your tribe. (Oh and have your friends bring the beer and snacks…just straighten up your pad.) Bonus points if you make a huge pot of inexpensive chili.
   

These are all acceptable dates. You tell us your dreams and aspirations on a date and the cream of the crop will rise to the top. The superficial will fall to the floor…and while they might be hot, will not support you but will take you to the cleaners when you make it big. Dump them now.

Success story: I have a friend who dated an unemployed dude but get this; she eventually married the guy…what was his technique? He made her homemade cards. That's right…he didn't drive nice wheels, he didn't spend uhdoodles on her…he was unemployed, and well, he was crafty…and made her sweet cards and they had inventive dates wherein he would take her to free concerts and they would have dinner from Mexican food trucks. No huge bank account needed.

So….bottom line…don't make excuses. Look for women who look beyond the bank account. Be inventive. And charm the pants off her. You'll be just fine.

Honest.

 

HC

 

The First date No’s

Once I joined one of the many internet dating sites (all featured here) I got on some email list in which they give me tips on how to be a better dater. I love getting these emails. I read…actually, no, I study them. My personal fav was the recent "Questions to ask on a first date" written by a psychologist who has studied the dating mind, but let's face facts, is probably married and in her fifties and hasn't been on a date in ten years. The inane questions were cracking up, but at the same time, I did put a few into use for my next rendezvous'.
I've also talked to my dates. I asked them what were turn offs and turn ons? Generally we hate it when you put up a picture wherein you cut out the woman (or man) from your profile picture. We don't care if it's your sister or friends from a wedding. Just get a friend to snap a few general photos of you. And don't take your own photo in some rico suave lip pucker from your cellphone. Don't come up with a lame moniker like "BoinkingMan" or "Doingitdoggiestyle" -- I personally like easy monikers like "niceguychad" or "rick5592" – be bland, not vulgar.

Once you get the date and you are armed with your own first date questions. Don't forget to focus on your answers. I'm not saying to lie, I'm just saying…you shouldn't divulge too much. Please avoid revealing the following:

1. 
   
   "My ex wife/ex girlfriend used to…" Ah, we don't care about your ex. Actually we do care about your ex, we just don't want to hear about her and definitely not on a first date.
    
2. 
   
   "My therapist/guru/healer told me…" Okay…this is a total signal you are mentally challenged. While I'm thrilled you are at your therapist healing yourself and working some of your issues, I don't need to know or think and wonder about them on a first date. Keep those to yourself until about date 4 or 5.
    
3. "What would Jesus want us to do?" WTF is usually my response to this question. Call me crass, and for the record, I'm all about Christian beliefs but if you need to pray to figure out where to have dinner, I'm not your gal.
4. 
   
   "I live with my parents." Excuse me? Did he just say he lives at home? I don't need to know your financial status (unemployed, paying huge alimony etc…), we are in a recession, trust me I get it, and I don't need to know you moved home to help your sick or elderly parent…just don't tell me on a first date. You won't get a second.
   
   
5. 
   
   "Look at these cute pictures of my Chihuahua." If you have a toy dog, I will assume you are gay. That said, I have a very manly man friend in construction with a poodle. And I give him hell all the time. If you are dating another obsessive pet person, then maybe you can bend the rule here, but a recent date had to tell me about his dog and show me all the photos of it on his cellphone. Needless to say, I haven't called him back.
    
6. 
   
   "I'm into role playing….and can't get together on Saturday because we are having a duel…" – whether its D&D, LARP-ers (Live Action Role Players), World of Warcraft…whatever…..Just why would you feel the need to tell a girl on a first date you are trying to impress? She doesn't care. That's why I don't tell you about my obsession with Bravo reality shows. You don't need to know what's on my TiVo list. I call this my own personal private time. What you want to share are things like: "I have a 401K" and "I'm looking into remodeling my kitchen" which shows women you are a saver and a home owner not some escapist freak who needs his free time with a joystick. Got it. Don't bring up your odd hobbies. (I'm sure you've read the tale of how I spent a few dates with an action figure collector….I finally told him I didn't come packaged in a perfect plastic bubble container and he broke up with me…ah good riddance.)

Keep dating…and please share your ideas or answers you've heard.

HC

Who Will Ali Choose?

Oh I hear you…you don't care. And you might even be asking yourself…who the hell is Ali? Answer: Ali Fedotowsky of ABC's "The Bachelorette". Tonight we find out who she picks (see side bar and place your vote.)

Truly, I don't care who Ali chooses. Her chance at keeping the guy she met on this show has some terrible odds. Personally, I think she did it for the money and well, the potential to meet 25 hot guys all pining for her. And let us not forget that this season they flew her and her suitors to New York, Iceland, Turkey, Portugal, Fiji and Bora Bora – the travel alone would make we want to search for love with millions of people watching too.

But as I traverse my own personal Bachelorette program, I call internet dating; I imagine handing out the single rose at the end of each date with much trepidation. I've been on a few dates lately wherein I just wasn't sure if I wanted a second. If only I could just not give them a rose. No confrontation. Oh, the thought of that makes me happy. Getting dumped and dumping someone is never easy. So what do you do? Do you lie? Just not call? Send an email? Or go out on a second date, pick up the bill and then say… "I'm just not that into you."

I usually call my friends post date and download the pros and cons. I will state, there have been guys I wasn't originally attracted too that got better with more dates. And there have been second dates I'm still questioning my reasons for thinking something was there. The bottom line is…I put myself out there. Sure it sucks when they just don't call you. But you get over it.

Recently I was heading out for yet another first date meeting and a friend of mine asked me if I was nervous. That answer was a big no. It's just a first meeting. Could be coffee, cocktail or dinner…you just want to find out if you are attracted to them right? I didn't need to be nervous, I had another date the following day. I think the key is…don't put your eggs into one basket. Play the field, meet new people, and it's okay to be rejected. I have shed my last tear when the guy doesn't call me back.
As they say…there are plenty of fish in the sea. So get out there.

Oh and Ali. Yeah…I don't think she is going to pick either guy tonight. (We'll see). And if she can't find a guy from the 25 hotties the producers picked for her…we'll it just makes me feel better.

My Ass has become Jiggly

I hate the gym. Don't laugh. I'm serious.
I have two friends in my life who proclaim they love to workout. They are alien to me. Adam, Christine…I'm talking to you.
Recently I rejoined a gym. (Gasp… my friends….I know…it's scary and you shouldn't talk to me until this phase peters out in about six months) I must admit, once I left my job as a celebrity assistant, I sort of got into the "wake up and answer emails and watch 4 hours of The Today Show lifestyle….why go to the gym? My workout became a leisurely bike ride through my neighborhood, one in which I would not break into a sweat. I looked at it as living an active lifestyle. Right?
Finally my well tanned, unemployed bod needed to be less jiggly. So I headed to the local gym to sign up for a new membership.
Once inside the massive chain establishment closest to my house(ahem, the word 24 hour in the name should suggest they are actually open for 24 hours just like 7-11 is open at seven and closes at eleven and yet….they are open for 24 hours selling me Hostess Cupcakes….but I digress).
So "Joe" the service manager welcomes me to the fitness center. "How much weight do you want to lose?" he asks sizing me up. Really Joe must you ask such inane questions? If you want people to sign up for your gym, don't ask them if they want to lose weight. Of course they are there to lose weight…do you need to point it out to them asshole.
So I tell him, "I don't want to lose weight. I just want to tone." Yeah, go to hell Joe. You and your judgmental attitude.
But then he asks me, "So what do you do?" Hello. I'm here at 11am on a weekday…shouldn't that signal that I'm unemployed?
"I'm a writer" I respond.
"Oh, how's that working for you?"
Really Joe? You going there? "Extremely successful." Yeah. So happy I left my job and writing is so free and exciting. Look asshole…just give me my damn membership and let's be done with the small talk and your….wait a minute, Joe's not wearing a ring….ooooh wait a minute. Joe's kinda cute. Oh wait, reality check, Joe works at 24 chain…wearing gasp, a uniform. "Yeah, just finishing my second book for my publisher. Life is so good and I love my flexibility."
So finally Joe gets an important call (probably from some girl he's trying to impress…in his khakis and blue 24 hour t-shirt no less) and I'm on my way to workout without a tour of the gym…I'm on my own. Without Joe even flirting with me or offering me any extra incentives or discounts. I instantly hate Joe.
At 11am…well you got your moms trying to look hot for their husbands so they don't leave them, your students, your actors (of course) and well…random unemployed people looking for an endorphin high because well, it's all they got right now. And beautiful people get jobs, right? I'm not sure where I fit in this mix. But the important part is…I'm here.
The only thing I like about going to the gym is I get to read. While most people listen to music or watch TV while at the gym, I actually can read and it's really the only place I like to read other than at the beach. And while my tan is just fine mid-summer, I've got about 5 books downloaded on my kindle I need to finish.
What does this have to do with dating you might ask? Well…let it ring true. Single people go to the gym. While it's not a successful spot for me (I need more simulation than "your arms are really getting some definition" talk…I do like to look at the hard bodies around me at the gym if for no other reason than sensory overload.) So yes…I'm on the prowl while working out…so kill me. (But if I start dating a guy on steroids, you all can kill me…)
The gym is a place for my mind to work into overdrive. I dream of articles to write, emails to send, jobs to seek, and chapters to write. But I also know I need to go, otherwise, my ass will expand and I won't fit into any of the really cute fall clothing I dream of purchasing.
But don't get me wrong…even through endorphin highs, fabulous books to read, and mega eye candy…I still hate working out. And if you like working out…well, we aren't really friends.
HC
Complaints welcome.

A Kiss is Just a Kiss

Have you ever met a really cute guy only to learn that he was a bad kisser? This has happened to me on more than one occasion. You know the scene: you are totally attracted to a guy and when he goes in to kiss and…well, you just don't fit together. I used to blame it on the alcohol. But when it happens more than one time…and the guy is stone sober, well…we have a problem.

Now I'm not saying throw in the towel. I'm all about lessons.… Vocalize. Tell the guy…"hey, you're sloppy. Mouth is here (point to mouth, and lips) and let's stop the sucking noises." But if he doesn't get it and thinks his "techniques" are fab…and well, they aren't….you might want/need to move on.

Not all kisses are alike either… So let's examine….

The Peck: Yes…it's a peck. But it's an open invitation too. Peck on the cheek, means he's trying to be polite and learn your space, but also a red flag that he might not be all that into you. Peck on the lips on a first date is totally acceptable. Also, let him do the lean in for the peck…don't be pecking him. Let him be an acceptable gentleman. But I will admit, this is hard to read. Fingers crossed you get a second date. But if he blows you off…move on. And let's all remember when we're not attracted to someone and totally grateful he only decided to peck us on the first date. Right?

The Smooch: Lips on lips, longer than a peck, no tongue. I love a good smooch at the end of the day. It doesn't take effort, isn't leading to anything, not misread…just shows there is affection. A smooch is perfect for greeting someone walking in the door or right before you drift off to sleep after a long day.

The Nash: Falling into each other and a little more intense kissing. This is followed by a little more heavy breathing and some hot and heavy petting. You literally are nashing together and there might be some teeth involved.

The Suck: Sort of like nashing, but the kiss has some weird "suck your brains out" feeling. (Don't know where this was taught that this was a desirable kissing technique, but I've been "sucked" on more than one occasion and so I assume many men think this is a desirable technique – word to the wise…it's not..)

The Earlobe: This is where your partner kisses and bites your earlobe and might use their tongue in your ear. But partners…stick to the lobe. Tongues in ears is what the kids call a "wet willy"…so stop at the lobe.

The French: Okay…when you get tongue tied…you are "French kissing" – why we give this technique to the French is beyond me (I've read the French call it "English kissing"), but I assume the French "invented" the use of a tongue in a kiss and well…if they coined this kiss (and apparently cutting potatoes into matchsticks we call French fries) well…let's just give them credit shall we? Now…there are a couple techniques here. There is the "stab" and then there is the "round the world" – I'd love to hear your stories on kisses…but let's just say, I'm more of a fan of the "natural" use of the tongue where you are more in sync together with your tongues. When a guy is stabbing his tongue at me…it's not that, shall we say, desirable. Usually there is some sort of "around the world" action with, in my option, good French kissing. That is if they can make a connection and aren't just a propeller in my mouth.

The "Make Out": Well this is the "mixed tape" of kissing. A little of all above kisses. And if he starts feeling you up…well we call that "going to 3^rd base"…and is usually part of making out.

Now there are other kisses far from these general kisses (The Eskimo: where you kiss with your noses rubbing and The Butterfly: kissing with eyelashes etc.) but I'm just trying to be general here.

I will have you know, recently I started dating someone who claimed to be "a really good kisser"…hum…I'll give him a try, was my first thought. (In the name of research right?) It took him a few dates to kiss me ("I didn't want to kiss you in the parking lot" he stated, which I found rather odd, because how many people have you seen making out in a parking lot? Right.) Finally he got over his nervous parking lot phobia and planted one on me outside of a local bar. He was right…he was a good kisser (…and well…he had more hidden talents too…more on those later.) But I must say, it brought him up a notch and made me want to see him more. Before that, he was a typical guy. Sports fan, good job, motivated worker type, loves his dog…blah blah blah. But get him out of the parking lot, and well, he can make out with me and turn me to Jell-O in about two minutes. He constantly gains points (and currently not freaked out by the fact I'm a romance writer…a huge plus!)

But for me, kissing, more than sex, is the ultimate intimacy. It's like a man can talk with his mouth, not say a word, but you know his stress, emotion, and endearment …all from a simple smooch. So get out there…practice, and remember not all kisses are alike. A kiss is so much more than just a kiss…it's quite literally a connection.

HC

Check Mate

Friend: "How do I get Roger to break up with me?"
Me: "Why don't you just break up with him?"
Friend: "I don't want to hurt his feelings."
Say what? This was coming from a friend who knew she wanted to break up with this guy…but wanted him to do it because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. So what is she going to do…wait for him to hurt her feelings?
Eventually Roger called and said, "I think we need to distance ourselves" –this was as a huge weight taken off her shoulders, but why couldn't she just break up with him?
This made me re-exam my dating and break up life. And well, dating is like a chess game. You want to corner a partner, but still keep your options open for any move possible. When we know he isn't "the one" – Why don't we just break up? Maybe because, it's better to be in a relationship than not. But is it okay to lead someone on?
Breaking up is hard to do. This we all know is true. But if you know in your heart of hearts they aren't the one, should you lead them to break up with you, see the light that you two just aren't meant to be together…or should you stick it out, because it beats being single or do you stay in the relationship and keep looking and eventually cheat on him?
I've been dumped by a guy without any reason. (And let's just say for the record, I was damn better than anything he could ever get.) But he dumped me with the excuse of "just because" – without any explanation…and it killed me for months. I needed an answer, I needed closure. Now that I re-look at it, it would have been far easier to just lead him to break up with me, vs. get his lame response. I look back at that breakup and how much it hurt me and how confused I was (because did I mention, I was WAY too good for him???), and well, I kinda led him to break up with me too. I knew he wasn't the one for me. I was keeping my options open? Dating and still looking. So why was I so crushed? Oh, right, because he blindsided me. He check mated me without me seeing it.
Now that I've been playing chess, I mean dating, a few more years, I've learned not to get stuck in the corner. I don't jump in and get all gaga on the first date…put all my eggs into one basket, so to speak. I play it vague and strategic all at the same time. After all, dating is a game (I think). There are winners and definitely some losers, but I have faith, I will find a King to my Queen.

Balance of Power

I have a friend Greg who is dating the hot model-college student Tiffany. (She's 21, goes to Pepperdine.) 26-year-old Greg is well…unemployed and sometimes works in production. He makes ends meet with odd jobs (helping people move) and working part time at his gym. He worships his hot girlfriend and is the envy of all his friends. The girlfriend truly expects to be treated like a princess and Greg does anything for her like a small puppy dog. Bring her lunch, pick her up, take her shopping…is all in a day's activity for Greg.

Now, let's flash forward to Tiffany in her 30's….Greg will have dumped her (for another hot college co-ed probably)…and career girl Tiffany will no longer have Greg's eating out of the palm of her hand. The power will have shifted, and Greg "might" or "might not" have time to call her. She will grow desperate (insert ticking clock) she will offer up free sex in the hopes it will lead to a ring, but then Greg, who is now in the one in demand, suddenly says, 'You know, I think you're great, but you're not who I want to marry.' Sound familiar? Tiffany, you've lost the power no matter how hot you still are, and no matter how good you look on paper.

Here's a secret, one of my favorite shows to watch is "The Hills" (I know…very MTV of me). Right now, you see these hot women, dating the "hot" guys and having a blast every night on the town. They are seemingly in control having the time of their lives and an endless line of men at every club, diner, beach and BBQ. I would LOVE for VH1 to create a show when these girls are in their 30's (ah hem…5 years from now) and see the shift of power. Trust me, for all their musings of "you look totally hot in that bikini"…they won't have the power. I think Heidi Montag will actually look like she's learned something from dating and marrying jerk Spencer, but at least she got married. Actually, I can already see the shift starting to happen. Brody Jenner can get plenty of tail (sorry Kristin)…and he's just "casting" his own spinoff of ex girlfriends (all hot playboy bunnies in their 20's I might add) every time the group hits the town. Fact is, 25 year old Kristin, Adriana and Lauren have already been deemed "too old" from well-aged Brody.

So ladies of all ages, take note.

In our 20's we love the way men follow us around. Buy us flowers, pay for dinners with their crappy salaries…treat us like the queens we've always been told we are. And we women…treat the men like shit. Sometimes, those guys propose…and we say yes. We look beyond the thralls of admirers and decide. "yeah, you'll do" even though there is a line out the door of better suitors.

For those of us who don't marry our 20-something boyfriends…..Then our 30's hit. We start to get desperate. The balance of power has suddenly shifted…yet no one really told us about the shift. He stops buying us flowers. He doesn't take us out to dinner (he's now saving for his 401k). And he's in control and we desperately say "yes" to anything he wants because…we've given him total control. We start to TiVo Oprah and muse to our girlfriends that we are smart career girls and men are shit.

Think of this: Men want to get married as much as women do. 20's, 30's, 40's…it's the balance of power that seems to get in the way.

So here's some things to ponder.

20's – he loves you…you have the power. Do you want him? Does he have potential? Any sort of sign that this is true. Hold on to him….and get that ring….

30's – He's looking at girls in their 20's. You've lost control. That said…if dating, he doesn't want to give up the "perks" of the relationship. So use the "perks" to get the ring. Got it. Hold out. Don't give it too easy.

40's – Time to regain control. You know what to do in the bedroom. Do it, and do it often. If satisfied…ask for the ring (or even propose to him…why not?) Or simply, have great sex for a couple months then, move on cougar. You've done your deed.

Bottom line: Learn the balance of power. As you get older, he will and does, trade you in for someone younger and hotter. Older ladies, think "Samantha Jones" get what you want from him and do not shed a tear. Make him want you (again) and shift that power back into your control.

I told you I'd be honest here.

 

An Education

Once on a girls weekend, my friend Katie blurted out that one her requirements in a mate was a college degree. This rubbed a few of the women the wrong way. Another gals husband did "some" college, but was not a college graduate. "I wouldn't date him," was Katie's honest answer, even though we all love Pattie's husband. Why not?

And just the other night, I was out with some single gals at a wine bar and bing Naomi got a "wink" from a guy on match.com. We instantly sized up his profile. "Urgh, he did "some" college. No way," said Naomi. This was a serious deal breaker for her as well.

Ladies, should we narrow the field? What's wrong with guys sans diplomas?

"If he couldn't finish college, than it shows he doesn't have drive…" stated Naomi. "I need someone who can go toe to toe with me in a conversation."

How can you tell he can't go toe to toe with you in a conversation without even meeting him? How do you know he's not a self starter? Are you only interested in men in your field who can talk to you about your job? What about them? Don't you think you'll be smart enough to date someone who is interesting on his own? Wouldn't that get a bit boring if you only talked about yourself and your things?

So I asked Naomi, "How do you know without meeting someone whether or not they are interesting and can't carry on a conversation?"

"I've learned from experience. I've dated a lot of men, and I've tried to date men who did "some college" and they usually are intimidated by me."

Our other friend explained, out of Naomi's earshot, "she's a bit high maintenance."

You think?

Then I had lunch with my friend Rosemary yesterday whose husband did not graduate from college but played in the NFL. Would Naomi knock him off of her list? I don't think so….

But it brought up something to me. Over the years, I've dated men who went to college and men who made their wealth by working their ways from the bottom up and never went to an institute of higher learning. I've dated teachers, lawyers, men in the medical field a variety pack of white collar jobs. I've also dated men in blue collared jobs: tradesmen, law enforcement, baristas; and then the artists….musicians, actors, writers as well. Each and every category has pluses and minuses.

An education is a great thing, but sometimes, it's not for all. I look back at my own college experience as hard to capsulate. It all started with figuring out what I want to be, then leaving the nest, moving to the big city, keeping myself on budget, my grades in good standing, working my part time job, as well as writing, producing and editing my student films, not to mention dating and have a social life..well…my education wasn't just about what I was learning in the lecture halls. It was about how to live, and learn how others lived.

But do I narrow the dating field to only educated men? The older I get I'm more interested in someone who is financially stable than their GPA in the early 20's. Do they have drive? Will they be good providers? Do they have hobbies? And of course, can we carry on a conversation? My questions now tend to be, "do you own or rent?" – not whether or not someone went to college.

If I skimmed out the men who only graduated college, I'd miss out on many men I dated and learned a great deal from. Sometimes it's okay to look at the other side of the coin, some men who didn't go to college might not be in serious debt (like the over-educated lawyer I dated…who was well into six figures in debt). Is their debt worth it so you can carry on a conversation?

Right?