E-Manners

What happened to mailing a thank you? What happened to the courtesy phone calls? I know how archaic these things are. But I miss them. At first our communication was replaced by email, and now…all communication has been reduced to texts, pings, and blips.

In this age where there is some new platform popping up every six months that I have to manage – who has time to communicate with all of them? I could spend my days on twitter, facebook, scoville, foursquare, google+. Its nuts. Add dating to the mix…and you have a recipe for disaster.

I have had more than one guy I was dating break up with me via text. Were they afraid to call? An email too hard to compose? A text? It’s just too easy.

I have never been one of those people who go out and buy the latest electronic device right when they come out. After all, you are reading from the gal who once proclaimed that “if I got a cell phone it would make me too accessible. I’ll call people when I’m home and near a phone. Who needs to be that available?” Apparently I need to be “open” 24/7.
After I left my celebrity assistant position, I needed a detox from my cell phone. I’ll be available when I can be available.

Which brings me to my latest issue. Recently I went on a lovely five-hour drinks date. Nice guy, and thought we clicked, after all, we were out for five hours and he was interesting. I knew I had a busy schedule coming up so we were trying to plan our second date, but when we couldn’t figure out a date, I said “text me.”

Big mistake. During a texting frenzy, we had made plans for a Monday night date. On Sunday, he sent me a text that said, “Thinking of you ” – no question, no change of plans…but a nice “Thinking of you” with a smiley modicum.

That particular Sunday, I was babysitting for a friend whose husband had fallen ill and she needed to take him to the hospital. My date didn’t know this, but then I didn’t think I needed to respond to a “thinking of you” smiley face. I continued in “kid mode” and played a game of monopoly.

Two hours later, my date had sent me another message.

“I sent u a txt message earlier. Seems like your busy…on a Sunday night…playing the dating game. I get more attention from someone overseas than u. Sorry. Good luck, I’m going to pass on dinner tomorrow night. Hope your other guys r real 4 u.”

You’ve got to be kidding me? (Was my first reaction.) And then I got pissed. Did you ask me a question? Did you seek a response? No…you said you were “thinking of me”. Did you want a response of “um, busy with Monopoly and a seven year old”? And why did I need to respond at all?

There are plenty of times I forget my cellphone. Especially when I’m writing at the library for example. I can’t make phone calls at the library, and I need to focus on work. I’ll call/text back when I get in my car.

In this example, yes, it was a Sunday night, but really, who needs to be accessible all the time? Doctors? Maybe. But last time I checked…nothing is “life threatening” in my line of work. What if I was at a movie? I think it is utterly RUDE (with a capital R) to text in a movie theater.
Needless to say, I think I dodged a bullet with that guy. He did tell me he was sorry and that he thought that in this day and age of e-dating…people responded more frequently. And my bottom line is this… Don’t instantly judge someone by their lack of response. Don’t accuse them of having a full date card. Allow yourself to always have time for yourself and detox from electronics from time to time.

And… NEVER turn on your phone in a movie, live theater, reading or any type of live performance. I don’t care who you are dating.

The Sleeper

Ever been with a control freak? (Yeah, I usually don’t give them a second date either….but) What if he was a “sleeper” creep?

Not long ago I went out with a seemingly normal guy. His details: Well mannered, good job, home owner, divorced, had a dog…. I interpret these things as: loves mom, not cheap, knows about investments, broken in, and capable of love.

What I soon learned was, he wanted full control. (How do I tell him “No one puts Heidi in a corner?” Clearly…he’s not reading my blog.)

I was introduced to The Sleeper from a friend of mine so I could always ask her the important questions when something would arise. First issue happened on our first date. We went to a The Hungry Cat, a lovely restaurant in Hollywood. It’s exactly what you’d expect. He was trying to impress me with his culinary knowledge (little did he know I have produced shows for The Food Network, and I knew the chef Suzanne Goin) but of course he wanted to order for me. “We’ll start with the caviar, and then have the salad of baby lettuces, then the Alaskan Halibut …” He ordered the most expensive things, which isn’t what I would have ordered if allowed…I was kinda eye-ing the burger. But he insisted… “You will love it Heidi!” Whatever!

Conversation flowed the first date (as it should) …What do you do? Why are you single? How long have you been in LA? Blah blah blah.

I will admit, I was charmed. His answers were on par with what I liked, and he was interesting. So I put the “ordering for me” on the back burner.

Then he took me to a basketball game, my second ever Laker game. Pointing out players, telling me moves, and where guys went to college… blah blah blah. Again, fine date and a good game.

We did this for a few more dates, and then I opted to invite him up to my place. Now I was in control. He was on my turf. With options of chicken, beef and seafood stacked in my fridge as well as a plethora of fresh veggies I picked up from local farm stands, I was prepared to impress him with my culinary knowledge…for once.

No joke: he walked in and said “I went on Yelp and found five different restaurants I’d like to try…what are you in the mood for?” I was deflated but went for seafood (and I knew his days were numbered.)

I phoned my friend the next day, “Isn’t he great?” she boasted through the phone.

“Yes…exactly what I’m looking for…” except, he does everything for me and treats me like he’s known me for years. We’ve only been on a couple dates.

One thing I always tell my dates is… I have mastered the art of being single, but I need some help with being a couple. So bear with me…I’m new at relationships. I told this to The Sleeper, but I don’t think he really listened to that. He was too busy planning our next date and the date after that. Wild locations, new restaurants, museums, movies to see, urgh. Here me…I want to get to know you…not visit the latest five starred reviews on Yelp.

We were at The Ahmanson House off Pacific Coast Hwy when I finally blurted out that I wanted to meet his dog. “That’s too personal,” he told me. Say what? It’s a dog. And who was I? Chopped liver you just wanted to wine and dine all over town? Clue number two…he didn’t want me in his personal space.

My date was fine when I was out at nice restaurants and he could show me a good time, but allow him to see his personal side and he shut up as tight as a clam shell. Then he asked me, “do you always want to work? What if you had kids?” Ah yes, the kid question. I love writing, I love blogging, writing is in my soul…tell me I can’t write, would be a horror…afterall I can do it anywhere at anytime…I don’t need a desk job to work.

So I answered fairly and honestly, “I will always be a writer even if have children.”

Well…you would have thought hell froze over.

“I don’t want the mother of my children to have work stress.” In my head I’m thinking, and you make how much? What part of…I work for myself and have flexible hours do you not understand?

Then as he ordered my coffee drink for me, I started to piece it all together…I am with a control freak. It wasn’t that obvious at first, but he definitely wanted to fit me in his box.

And again, no one puts Heidi in a corner.

We broke up a week later.