Sunday, February 28, 2010

Signs and signals

I think dating needs its own form of traffic signals. I mean really…men say we are hard to figure out… quite frankly…I think the same thing. Men…who gets them?

I've been thrown a few mixed signals in my day. The classic is "I'll call you" – um…do we give a deadline? What's the timeframe please? A week shows he's interested. A day…he's stalking? A month means…he's unorganized and found your card in a pair of jeans…but not interested other than screwing you?

I'm a more 'to the point' kind of gal. I recently told a guy, if you like me…I want to know. I only want men who want me. This led to a nice make out session at the end of the night. But has he stepped up to the plate? Not really. Mixed signals.

Guys have never been one to communicate much. They hold things in…are they nervous? This I can't figure out. Let me let you in on something…women over analyze everything. We call our girlfriends, sisters, cousins, co-workers and discuss your every move. Especially in the beginning…we are truly trying to figure out if you like us. In the meantime, don't try and figure us out. Just ask us out. If you like us…. Call us…and call often…even if you have nothing to say. If we don't really know if we like you. Trust me, we will, in return… give subtle clues if we like you. It's that simple. Let's start dating.

So let's run down the signals:

He calls within a week and says "are you available to get together for a drink": this is a GREEN LIGHT. He likes you…if you like him. Call him back. No rules. No three days to call him back. You got his text. Call him and go out. Easy.

He calls, but doesn't make a plan…it's along the lines of "it was great meeting you…what are you doing this week…": YELLOW LIGHT. Proceed with caution. He's stringing along a number of ladies and thinking which is best. He is mildly interested but keeping options open. So again…proceed with caution.

He doesn't call for weeks after you met him then suddenly, he sends you an email/text etc. that's he's free tonight can you meet up. Um…he was dumped and looking for a booty call. Don't do it. RED LIGHT. Be smarter than that. And kindly respond with, "I'm busy tonight, but can do…(three days later)" -- if he responds with "great…let's go to XXX bar" – go with the assumption of a yellow light; if he doesn't respond well…you know what that means. Bye bye booty call.

I'm currently navigating my own mixed signals…and I'm not sure what I read…so truly I shouldn't call myself some expert. But…I try…I'm here for you all. Really I am and I care. Feel the love.




Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The “Hot Guy”

My cousin dated a really hot guy. We're talking model gorgeous. We affectionately called him "Boyfriend Bob". Bob was perfect in so many ways. He was so good looking that people actually did things for him. With a quick wink, Bob could get anything he wanted. If Bob wanted his coffee first, the girl at Starbucks would do it for him. Every job interview he went on…he got. Here's the other thing…Bob was an environmental lawyer, and yes, part time model. There was nothing physically wrong with Bob. He was just plain yummy.

But as hot as Bob was, all of his winks, smart wit, and near perfect skin, he had many signals of "miss information".

Bob was a jerk. Smokin hottie, yes. Charmer, you bet. But all this led my cousin to waste her time and read his mixed signals and waste so much time. Why did she allow this to happen? And for so many years?

Things started to fall apart when Boyfriend Bob decided he didn't need to be faithful to my cousin. (I dunno…isn't that a given if you are in a committed relationship?) But it was as if my cousin was under a trance of the hot guy. We all were actually. Even if he dated the entire cheerleading squad, we'd look the other way and still stand by his side and support my cousin no matter how bad he treated her. "Bob is so nice" we'd tell her. "He's going through a phase," we'd respond. It was as if we were all under the "hotness haze" of Boyfriend Bob.

Finally, my cousin got fed up and left the country to "find herself" and backpacked through Europe…and wouldn't you know it, Boyfriend Bob followed her. Then she moved across the country to finish her Masters Degree, and Boyfriend Bob followed her there too. These we're all mixed signals.

"We are friends with benefits" she'd tell me. I get the benefits…we all need benefits…but for as much as he followed and chased her, in the end, it was the same old thing. Boyfriend Bob couldn't commit.

There was no final straw to their relationship. I think my cousin just ended up dating another guy who just treated her better. And she's still friends with Boyfriend Bob for what its worth, but in the end a big waste of time.

So why do we look the other way for the hot guy? Why do the attractive people get away with so much bullshit?

I look at the "hotness haze" of a Boyfriend Bob and spray on my repellant to keep my distance. In the end, was it worth it to date the hot guy? Nope. He was just that. A hot guy who didn't want to commit. I think he'll die old, alone and not with a hot chick. (And my cousin…she's pretty hot.)