The Run In

Even though there are over a million people in Los Angeles, why is it, when on a date, I happen to run into an ex? Why me? (This event has happened on more than one occasion.) Across the room I saw him staring at me, so I gave him a wink and a raise of my glass as if to toast him, but I was on a date. No, strike that, I was on a first date. I told my date I saw an old co-worker across the room which is why I was raising my glass to him. He seemed to believe me and we continued with our first date awkwardness and questions. But I couldn't stop thinking about my ex and was hoping to catch him looking at me out of the corner of my eye.

The ex did not come up to me and say Hi…he too give me the obligatory raise of his glass and them murmured something to his friends at the bar. Did he notice I was with another guy? Was he jealous I was with another guy? Was he noticing how hot I looked? And most importantly, why didn't he come up to me and say Hi. Chicken. He was chicken. Right?

Now…

1. Why did I lie to my date?
   
2. Why didn't I excuse myself and say "Hi, how are you doing?"
   
3. Why did I secretly want my ex to call me that night (or the next couple days)?
   
4. Why was it so hard for me to NOT call my ex for the next couple days?
   

Right. I wasn't over my ex. You know what. I was over my ex. But, it's just when you have a run in, you return to the good times of the relationship and for a nanosecond, it seems like a good idea to go out with him again.

Dating is tough. Getting to know someone new is tough. With an ex there is familiarity. You know each other and it's easy to slip back down the slippery slope.

My advice to you: Be strong.

When encountering an ex – remember, he's an ex for a reason. How many times do you need to give him? Remind yourself, "What would my girlfriends tell me?" (Yeah…they will tell you to move on too. Trust me. They heard you the billion times you complained about him.)

I don't think ex's really understand the ex-factor. They don't understand the weeks/months it took us to get over them. With one chance encounter out on the town, I've now had to spend the next week wondering about my ex. (This is utterly not fair.)

Two good calls to my sister and best friend snapped me right back into perspective. I have to remind myself when seeing an ex…he let a good girl go (or I let a bad guy go) – whatever the case. I prop up my self esteem (I'm a damn good catch), hit the gym (I like the endorphin high and the way my arms look in a sleeveless top), ramp up the ipod with some liberating tunes ("If You Can Afford Me" by Katy Perry is a recent fav), and troll around match.com looking for a new guy.

Moving on. And next time I see an ex, it won't take me that long to forget about him. (I hope.)

Redefining Prince Charming

"Life is good without spending a dime as long as you give it time." Heidi Carson

I have a friend who said to me that he didn't want to date right now because dating costs money and well…he doesn't have a job. While I understand his concern, I don't think he should give up all hope because of his current unemployed situation. He's a great guy…. completely funny, truly smart, and has a heart of gold. But are we women superficial that we will only see him as unemployed?

This scenario reminded me of a time when a friend told me he could not go on a diet because it costs too much to be healthy. Call me strange…but I actually think they are both wrong. Both are making excuses to not do something. For my unemployed non dating friend, he equates love with money, and for my fat friend, he equates diet as expensive. Do they not see the road blocks that are so abundant before them?

Apparently not.

So being honest here (as I always try)…sure. Being unemployed, is not an ideal situation, but as I look behind every road block there is a good woman who is your cheerleader. If he was already in a relationship and lost his job, wouldn't his girlfriend (or wife) support him as he pursued every option possible? (Answer: a good woman would; a superficial woman wouldn't.)

So what are you truly looking for? Someone superficial or someone who cares about you?

While it might be tough to get started with someone while unemployed, there are a number of cost effective dates he can impress a woman with and show his funny, witty side and hopefully gain her support.

Here are a couple cost efficient date ideas:

1. A picnic: Sure wine and cheese cost money (you are talking to the girl who spent $50 on wine and cheese for a friend stopping by recently thinking it was cost effective…its not.) But, why not make homemade chocolate chip cookies, fruit salad, something picked up from a local bakery as a treat. Point will be earned in the effort.
   
2. A hike: I love an easy hike for a date (although, I've learned my lesson lately to check tidal charts when hiking on the beach!) Bring me a water and a piece of fruit and you gain major points.
   
3. During summer months: free concerts on weekends in the parks. Okay…these are everywhere in the summer. It shows you are a planner and we like that. (And truly we won't think its gay when you invite us to the "Neil Diamond Cover Band"…you got us out and thought out of the box...good job.)
   
4. BBQ at your house. Who needs a fancy restaurant when you can show us your grill skills on your patio?
   
5. Invite us to "watch a game" at your pad with your friends. When you introduce us to your friends…you already score points because you feel comfortable introducing us to your tribe. (Oh and have your friends bring the beer and snacks…just straighten up your pad.) Bonus points if you make a huge pot of inexpensive chili.
   

These are all acceptable dates. You tell us your dreams and aspirations on a date and the cream of the crop will rise to the top. The superficial will fall to the floor…and while they might be hot, will not support you but will take you to the cleaners when you make it big. Dump them now.

Success story: I have a friend who dated an unemployed dude but get this; she eventually married the guy…what was his technique? He made her homemade cards. That's right…he didn't drive nice wheels, he didn't spend uhdoodles on her…he was unemployed, and well, he was crafty…and made her sweet cards and they had inventive dates wherein he would take her to free concerts and they would have dinner from Mexican food trucks. No huge bank account needed.

So….bottom line…don't make excuses. Look for women who look beyond the bank account. Be inventive. And charm the pants off her. You'll be just fine.

Honest.

 

HC

 

The First date No’s

Once I joined one of the many internet dating sites (all featured here) I got on some email list in which they give me tips on how to be a better dater. I love getting these emails. I read…actually, no, I study them. My personal fav was the recent "Questions to ask on a first date" written by a psychologist who has studied the dating mind, but let's face facts, is probably married and in her fifties and hasn't been on a date in ten years. The inane questions were cracking up, but at the same time, I did put a few into use for my next rendezvous'.
I've also talked to my dates. I asked them what were turn offs and turn ons? Generally we hate it when you put up a picture wherein you cut out the woman (or man) from your profile picture. We don't care if it's your sister or friends from a wedding. Just get a friend to snap a few general photos of you. And don't take your own photo in some rico suave lip pucker from your cellphone. Don't come up with a lame moniker like "BoinkingMan" or "Doingitdoggiestyle" -- I personally like easy monikers like "niceguychad" or "rick5592" – be bland, not vulgar.

Once you get the date and you are armed with your own first date questions. Don't forget to focus on your answers. I'm not saying to lie, I'm just saying…you shouldn't divulge too much. Please avoid revealing the following:

1. 
   
   "My ex wife/ex girlfriend used to…" Ah, we don't care about your ex. Actually we do care about your ex, we just don't want to hear about her and definitely not on a first date.
    
2. 
   
   "My therapist/guru/healer told me…" Okay…this is a total signal you are mentally challenged. While I'm thrilled you are at your therapist healing yourself and working some of your issues, I don't need to know or think and wonder about them on a first date. Keep those to yourself until about date 4 or 5.
    
3. "What would Jesus want us to do?" WTF is usually my response to this question. Call me crass, and for the record, I'm all about Christian beliefs but if you need to pray to figure out where to have dinner, I'm not your gal.
4. 
   
   "I live with my parents." Excuse me? Did he just say he lives at home? I don't need to know your financial status (unemployed, paying huge alimony etc…), we are in a recession, trust me I get it, and I don't need to know you moved home to help your sick or elderly parent…just don't tell me on a first date. You won't get a second.
   
   
5. 
   
   "Look at these cute pictures of my Chihuahua." If you have a toy dog, I will assume you are gay. That said, I have a very manly man friend in construction with a poodle. And I give him hell all the time. If you are dating another obsessive pet person, then maybe you can bend the rule here, but a recent date had to tell me about his dog and show me all the photos of it on his cellphone. Needless to say, I haven't called him back.
    
6. 
   
   "I'm into role playing….and can't get together on Saturday because we are having a duel…" – whether its D&D, LARP-ers (Live Action Role Players), World of Warcraft…whatever…..Just why would you feel the need to tell a girl on a first date you are trying to impress? She doesn't care. That's why I don't tell you about my obsession with Bravo reality shows. You don't need to know what's on my TiVo list. I call this my own personal private time. What you want to share are things like: "I have a 401K" and "I'm looking into remodeling my kitchen" which shows women you are a saver and a home owner not some escapist freak who needs his free time with a joystick. Got it. Don't bring up your odd hobbies. (I'm sure you've read the tale of how I spent a few dates with an action figure collector….I finally told him I didn't come packaged in a perfect plastic bubble container and he broke up with me…ah good riddance.)

Keep dating…and please share your ideas or answers you've heard.

HC

Who Will Ali Choose?

Oh I hear you…you don't care. And you might even be asking yourself…who the hell is Ali? Answer: Ali Fedotowsky of ABC's "The Bachelorette". Tonight we find out who she picks (see side bar and place your vote.)

Truly, I don't care who Ali chooses. Her chance at keeping the guy she met on this show has some terrible odds. Personally, I think she did it for the money and well, the potential to meet 25 hot guys all pining for her. And let us not forget that this season they flew her and her suitors to New York, Iceland, Turkey, Portugal, Fiji and Bora Bora – the travel alone would make we want to search for love with millions of people watching too.

But as I traverse my own personal Bachelorette program, I call internet dating; I imagine handing out the single rose at the end of each date with much trepidation. I've been on a few dates lately wherein I just wasn't sure if I wanted a second. If only I could just not give them a rose. No confrontation. Oh, the thought of that makes me happy. Getting dumped and dumping someone is never easy. So what do you do? Do you lie? Just not call? Send an email? Or go out on a second date, pick up the bill and then say… "I'm just not that into you."

I usually call my friends post date and download the pros and cons. I will state, there have been guys I wasn't originally attracted too that got better with more dates. And there have been second dates I'm still questioning my reasons for thinking something was there. The bottom line is…I put myself out there. Sure it sucks when they just don't call you. But you get over it.

Recently I was heading out for yet another first date meeting and a friend of mine asked me if I was nervous. That answer was a big no. It's just a first meeting. Could be coffee, cocktail or dinner…you just want to find out if you are attracted to them right? I didn't need to be nervous, I had another date the following day. I think the key is…don't put your eggs into one basket. Play the field, meet new people, and it's okay to be rejected. I have shed my last tear when the guy doesn't call me back.
As they say…there are plenty of fish in the sea. So get out there.

Oh and Ali. Yeah…I don't think she is going to pick either guy tonight. (We'll see). And if she can't find a guy from the 25 hotties the producers picked for her…we'll it just makes me feel better.