Going the Distance

I have a friend who hasn’t been all that successful in her online dating quest.  As she teeters on the “give-up moment” I told her she should widen her search.  Date out of the area if you will.

“I don’t want to drive that far,” was her simple response.  

You’re kidding, right?

Here’s the deal, I lived in a beautiful, yet far location, just north of Los Angeles.  I moved there because I was working in Malibu (which is beautiful but far from Los Angeles, too.)  I dated men from Santa Barbara to San Diego…and put in my profile, “I don’t mind driving.”  While gas prices soar, yes, it’s a bit harder on the wallet, but my search was successful.  Why narrow your options? 

While Los Angeles is crawling with men, sometimes it’s refreshing to get out of “the norm” and find someone who is completely different from you.  If you’ve had your fair share of men in “your area”…branch out and see what else is out there.  What do you have to lose? (This also applies to New Yorkers who just can’t seem to get off their island.)

It is no secret I’ve been dating someone.  We are complete opposites, not to mention, lived on opposite ends of town.  When we met, I was living a THREE hour drive from him (and that’s without traffic).  We did all the communications routes: called, texted, skyped, emailed until we finally met face-to-face.  I knew so much about him when we met in person, it was as if we were already dating.  Living far away from each other gave us a chance to plan our dates, make our face-to-face dates special occasions which turned into weekend long visits and well…absence does make the heart grow fonder.  It took him a whopping three months before he asked me to move in with him.  And you know what…I eventually moved.  (I wanted to anyway…bad juju living close to my prior job was annoying me.)  Now I know this is an extreme case of odd things working out, but what if I never agreed to go out with him because he lived so far away?  Wouldn’t that have been a crime too?

I have heard stories of men who drive to far away locations to meet women and women who drive long distances to meet men…and they turn out horrible and they feel trapped.  First, I’m not advocating you stay at their place or move right away.  I’m merely suggesting you give them a try and not be so narrow minded in your quest.  Now, it also helped that my boyfriend was living in an area I actually wanted to move to.  I will admit, I wasn’t really interested in going to say Bakersfield (sorry Bakersfield…it’s too hot for me), and I definitely had some “winking” men from the Inland Empire – those weren’t necessarily cities I wanted to move to.  

One thing I did discover was once I said “yes” to moving, he was also open into the idea of us getting a place together so I didn’t feel like I was moving into his place or vice versa.  Many friends and family were leery of my move “it’s too soon,” “you own your place, why doesn’t he move to you?” etc etc…The simple thing is, we were far apart, and now we are under the same roof.  Happy and making it all work out.

And before you give me any “but, but, but…” my boyfriend said he would have never have made communication with me in our dating process because I lived too far.  That’s right…I approached him.  I was willing to move.  I was willing to drive.  I was willing to try new things.

So take this sage advice.  Widen the net. Cause I’m not home alone with my two cats anymore.

Type Setting

I hate the question: “What’s your type?”

I honestly don’t know the answer. (Um…. breathing?)

I will admit, I try and be a bit vague in my blog...writing stuff like “my type is one that is into me.”

And then I got complaints: “You shouldn’t be so vague.” (Moi?)

So I have been digging a bit deeper. What attracts me? What do I want in a mate? And of course…what’s my type?

I’m a big believer in chemistry. You meet someone and you just sort of know. Of course, there are things down the line that they reveal and you learn more and more about their habits, both the good and the bad…but you know pretty early on if someone is going to be a match for you. So how do we quantify that as a “type”? And should we have a type?

If I had to narrow it down to the physical I’d say: bigger bear type guy; plus or minus 5 years from my age; good hygiene; and has a full set of teeth (you’d be amazed at how many guys don’t regularly go to the dentist).

For the emotional stuff: A listener (such a challenge I tell you); laughs often; surprisingly helpful (i.e. carries a case of books to my book signing, and then brings me coffee the way I like it); likes a challenge and enjoys figuring things out.

And then there is: Works in a job he likes (and doesn’t complain about it every five seconds); not a drug addict, not a criminal, likes his family…etc, etc.

Recently, I was looking through some profiles on an online dating site and ran across the profile of someone I dated a while back. So I gave his profile a read. I can see why we were matched. Based on his profile, we were perfect for each other. But here’s what he forgot to add: “Mr. X doesn’t really want to be in a relationship. He’s still bitter from his divorce and just wants sex every once in a while, and might occasionally take you out for a meal if he can make the time.”

So if online dating doesn’t work…I’m thinking of trying something new. Enter my sister.

A couple months ago my sis told me that she is “putting together a team” to find her a good man. Her thought was maybe her friends know the secret formula since she can’t seem to find Mr. Right on her own. So off she went and was set up on a number of blind dates. The first guy “her team” introduced her to was a nudist (and he wanted their first date to be at a nudist colony…ah awkward!). But my sis went on the date (fully clothed) and it wasn’t a good fit. They were just too different. (Oh really? Um…Trust me, he needs to wear some shorts to family Sunday dinner. This much I know.)

Next she was set up with a professional pilot who had a yacht. (Sounds good, right?) BUT…there was a divide. The pilot/yacht owner was 12 years older than my sis, and it was a decade of difference. Diverse musical tastes, different stages of their careers, and then he said “I’m too old for you.” (Apparently he dated lots of women who had lied about their age, but when my sister showed up looking her real age …he knew she wasn’t into him. And he was right.)

“I’m not giving up on my team,” my sister proclaimed, “but I am adding new members.” Good attitude sis. So I thought I too would put together my own team.

My Team: “What’s your type?”

Me: “You tell me.”

Oh god, what did I just do? I was vague again!!! But my friend Marcy was first out of the gate and after photo approval on both sides…my first date was set.

Mike* (not his real name) pre-date stats told to me via Marcy: Nice guy. Works in Finance. Divorced. One adult child. Lived in a house in a nice neighborhood. Check, check and check. “Okay, set me up.”

After our first date I learned: Lives with his brother (aka doesn’t pay rent); doesn’t talk with his kid (ever); works in finance for a car dealership…and he invaded my personal space in that touchy feely way all through dinner.

So what I thought was my type, clearly wasn’t. And I’ve learned…it’s hard to just go off photos (and Marcy.)

“I’ve got a great guy for you,” proclaimed another team member. This time I didn’t get a photo but was only told he was a writer. (If you are a regular reader of my blog…you know, I usually don’t date other creative types for fear, two creatives make a wrong.) I reluctantly went on the date.

And yes, it was one of the best dates of my life. Conversation for hours, fascinating guy, tons in common, oh and cute attractive and “my type” – what do you know?…it worked! (Or did it?)

After dating a while it’s always good to be realistic with what your type is and how it is ever changing. Tell your friends what you’re honestly looking for and be willing to be set up. (But, I will add: my type will be fully clothed on a first date.)

Bottom line: It’s okay to have a type…but its also nice to go “off type” because really you never know.

Where the Men Are

People always ask me, "Where do I find a good guy?"

Like I'm some expert. Please.

Ladies, it's time to think outside of the box. Not all men are sitting at a bar waiting to talk to women. Women, like men, go to bars with their friends. Men don't go to bars to chat up random women. And the men that do go to bars to chat up random women are not the guys women want to talk to. Right?

So I put my thinking cap on…and put together a list of random spots for you to meet men. If you are like me, you want to move beyond internet dating (which bytheway…I've met many nice men on…so don't knock it out.) …and developed this list from many hours of "research". (Stop laughing…it's tax right off-able now.)

Gardening class: No joke, my friend Kelly and I met the HOTTEST men at a gardening cooperative extension class. Seriously, there were about ten men and ten women (and the women weren't lookers, and for once…we were!) Eight out of the ten guys were smoking hot. Cargo shorts, shirts optional, and they were into "composting". To sum it up…they had hot bods, were eco-crunchy, and needed a bath, but we shared similar interests and they had no problem coming over to "look at my yard" (sexual overtones welcome). When the weather warms, consider a class at the local garden center or cooperative extension in your hood. Ladies, get your green on.

Camping Superstores (such as REI): Similar types to the gardeners above abound at REI. Hot dudes like to look at camping stuff. So even if you would no way in hell sleep under the stars, heading to REI is a lot of fun. At the one closest to my house, they have a "rock wall" which you can climb for free (as long as you sign up for a membership…which doesn't cost anything). Give it a try. Make noise and seek help. Having a guy tell you about good "belays, harnesses, and awesome hiking trails" is like the holy grail of manly men. Who knows, he might inspire you to cuddle in his sleeping bag.

Electronics Store: On the opposite end of the spectrum…if you want a serious home body, there is no better place than a clueless woman in the TV section of a Best Buy to meet her knight with a remote control. High Def, Surround Sound, blue ray players, pixel count…whatever…I know you don't really give a shit about that stuff…but let him do the talking. Guys love to tell you about this crap. So let him. Finally, ask him what his favorite movie is…and you would really like to experience "Avatar" on a 50" TV before you purchase one. If he takes the bait, you might just have yourself a hot date back at his place sooner than you can set up your direct TV dish.

Book Store Music departments: I don't know why…but I see a lot of dating couples in a bookstore, but the women go off to read best sellers, and guys head to the music section. Here's the thing: Go in looking for something, stating "….I heard the latest Arcade Fire CD is just okay, but I loved their last album, can you make a suggestion?" If they tell you they don't work there…good. So you respond with "oh, I'm sorry, do you have any suggestions anyway? I just want some new music for my ipod." The girlfriend is reading book covers…she won't notice you stealing her man in the music dept. He is far more interested in you now than her anyway…and their relationship is probably on the rocks…because she's reading books and not having sex with him. Similar…go to music events. Only note…they are usually there to listen to the music. So it's similar to a bar….you will see men, but hard to talk to them. So my suggestion is to head to music stores first to meet them then go to the concert.

5k's, 10k's, half Marathons, Marathons, Mud Runs, and other "running" activities: I don't "run" but recently I told a friend I would take photos of her on her run. Ladies it was the Holy Grail of single men. Actually, I took photos at a "Mud Run" (which was sponsored by Miller Lite) and there were men to spare. Gorgeous men covered in mud, drinking beer. Had I been more prepared (ah, looked a bit better than I rolled out of bed)…I would have had my serious flirt on. Men, men, men, everywhere. I've also rooted on a friend when she did her first marathon and had the same experience…hotties in running shorts. So go, be supportive sport, but be near the finish line (otherwise…they just run past you.) (Also note: anything sponsored by a beer company is going to bring out the guys. So "like" all beer companies on Facebook and they will tell you when these events are. Seriously.)

Join a "club" such as Movie clubs, poker tournaments, or join the office softball team: You don't need to be a huge sporty gal (they will thing you are a lesbian) but you can warm the bench and bake treats for your team, while checking out the men on the other teams. If you like movies, find a local "cinema society" or a theater doing a retrospective -- usually there is a "discussion" after the film, and a perfect way to meet new people.

Got game? Do a poker tournament at a casino. Get out and about with "man hobbies" – why not?

Wine or beer tasting or "foodie" events: With this increasing obsession for the culinary arts, more and more special events revolve around "tasting" events. Grab a male or female friend and saddle up next to a pack of single men. Taste food and discuss. Easy openers are all over these events. Recently, I went to a "food truck" event in the parking lot of the stadium. 50 trucks, one entrance fee, tons of guys everywhere. Now, I will admit, there were lots of couples at this too…but, I went with a group, and we had 2 single men in our "pack" – so not only did I get to know them, but I also met men along the route who had similar tastes to mine. "Did you try the Thai truck..it was awesome." It was literally a smorgasbord or men and food. One word: heaven. (Although I did need a Tums the next morning).

These are just a few ideas you might not have heard of…if you have a suggestion…let me know. I'm up for something new (all in the name of research).