Thursday, July 29, 2010

My Ass has become Jiggly

I hate the gym. Don't laugh. I'm serious.
I have two friends in my life who proclaim they love to workout. They are alien to me. Adam, Christine…I'm talking to you.
Recently I rejoined a gym. (Gasp… my friends….I know…it's scary and you shouldn't talk to me until this phase peters out in about six months) I must admit, once I left my job as a celebrity assistant, I sort of got into the "wake up and answer emails and watch 4 hours of The Today Show lifestyle….why go to the gym? My workout became a leisurely bike ride through my neighborhood, one in which I would not break into a sweat. I looked at it as living an active lifestyle. Right?
Finally my well tanned, unemployed bod needed to be less jiggly. So I headed to the local gym to sign up for a new membership.
Once inside the massive chain establishment closest to my house(ahem, the word 24 hour in the name should suggest they are actually open for 24 hours just like 7-11 is open at seven and closes at eleven and yet….they are open for 24 hours selling me Hostess Cupcakes….but I digress).
So "Joe" the service manager welcomes me to the fitness center. "How much weight do you want to lose?" he asks sizing me up. Really Joe must you ask such inane questions? If you want people to sign up for your gym, don't ask them if they want to lose weight. Of course they are there to lose weight…do you need to point it out to them asshole.
So I tell him, "I don't want to lose weight. I just want to tone." Yeah, go to hell Joe. You and your judgmental attitude.
But then he asks me, "So what do you do?" Hello. I'm here at 11am on a weekday…shouldn't that signal that I'm unemployed?
"I'm a writer" I respond.
"Oh, how's that working for you?"
Really Joe? You going there? "Extremely successful." Yeah. So happy I left my job and writing is so free and exciting. Look asshole…just give me my damn membership and let's be done with the small talk and your….wait a minute, Joe's not wearing a ring….ooooh wait a minute. Joe's kinda cute. Oh wait, reality check, Joe works at 24 chain…wearing gasp, a uniform. "Yeah, just finishing my second book for my publisher. Life is so good and I love my flexibility."
So finally Joe gets an important call (probably from some girl he's trying to impress…in his khakis and blue 24 hour t-shirt no less) and I'm on my way to workout without a tour of the gym…I'm on my own. Without Joe even flirting with me or offering me any extra incentives or discounts. I instantly hate Joe.
At 11am…well you got your moms trying to look hot for their husbands so they don't leave them, your students, your actors (of course) and well…random unemployed people looking for an endorphin high because well, it's all they got right now. And beautiful people get jobs, right? I'm not sure where I fit in this mix. But the important part is…I'm here.
The only thing I like about going to the gym is I get to read. While most people listen to music or watch TV while at the gym, I actually can read and it's really the only place I like to read other than at the beach. And while my tan is just fine mid-summer, I've got about 5 books downloaded on my kindle I need to finish.
What does this have to do with dating you might ask? Well…let it ring true. Single people go to the gym. While it's not a successful spot for me (I need more simulation than "your arms are really getting some definition" talk…I do like to look at the hard bodies around me at the gym if for no other reason than sensory overload.) So yes…I'm on the prowl while working out…so kill me. (But if I start dating a guy on steroids, you all can kill me…)
The gym is a place for my mind to work into overdrive. I dream of articles to write, emails to send, jobs to seek, and chapters to write. But I also know I need to go, otherwise, my ass will expand and I won't fit into any of the really cute fall clothing I dream of purchasing.
But don't get me wrong…even through endorphin highs, fabulous books to read, and mega eye candy…I still hate working out. And if you like working out…well, we aren't really friends.
Complaints welcome.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

A Kiss is Just a Kiss

Have you ever met a really cute guy only to learn that he was a bad kisser? This has happened to me on more than one occasion. You know the scene: you are totally attracted to a guy and when he goes in to kiss and…well, you just don't fit together. I used to blame it on the alcohol. But when it happens more than one time…and the guy is stone sober, well…we have a problem.

Now I'm not saying throw in the towel. I'm all about lessons.… Vocalize. Tell the guy…"hey, you're sloppy. Mouth is here (point to mouth, and lips) and let's stop the sucking noises." But if he doesn't get it and thinks his "techniques" are fab…and well, they aren't….you might want/need to move on.

Not all kisses are alike either… So let's examine….

The Peck: Yes…it's a peck. But it's an open invitation too. Peck on the cheek, means he's trying to be polite and learn your space, but also a red flag that he might not be all that into you. Peck on the lips on a first date is totally acceptable. Also, let him do the lean in for the peck…don't be pecking him. Let him be an acceptable gentleman. But I will admit, this is hard to read. Fingers crossed you get a second date. But if he blows you off…move on. And let's all remember when we're not attracted to someone and totally grateful he only decided to peck us on the first date. Right?

The Smooch: Lips on lips, longer than a peck, no tongue. I love a good smooch at the end of the day. It doesn't take effort, isn't leading to anything, not misread…just shows there is affection. A smooch is perfect for greeting someone walking in the door or right before you drift off to sleep after a long day.

The Nash: Falling into each other and a little more intense kissing. This is followed by a little more heavy breathing and some hot and heavy petting. You literally are nashing together and there might be some teeth involved.

The Suck: Sort of like nashing, but the kiss has some weird "suck your brains out" feeling. (Don't know where this was taught that this was a desirable kissing technique, but I've been "sucked" on more than one occasion and so I assume many men think this is a desirable technique – word to the wise…it's not..)

The Earlobe: This is where your partner kisses and bites your earlobe and might use their tongue in your ear. But partners…stick to the lobe. Tongues in ears is what the kids call a "wet willy"…so stop at the lobe.

The French: Okay…when you get tongue tied…you are "French kissing" – why we give this technique to the French is beyond me (I've read the French call it "English kissing"), but I assume the French "invented" the use of a tongue in a kiss and well…if they coined this kiss (and apparently cutting potatoes into matchsticks we call French fries) well…let's just give them credit shall we? Now…there are a couple techniques here. There is the "stab" and then there is the "round the world" – I'd love to hear your stories on kisses…but let's just say, I'm more of a fan of the "natural" use of the tongue where you are more in sync together with your tongues. When a guy is stabbing his tongue at me…it's not that, shall we say, desirable. Usually there is some sort of "around the world" action with, in my option, good French kissing. That is if they can make a connection and aren't just a propeller in my mouth.

The "Make Out": Well this is the "mixed tape" of kissing. A little of all above kisses. And if he starts feeling you up…well we call that "going to 3rd base"…and is usually part of making out.

Now there are other kisses far from these general kisses (The Eskimo: where you kiss with your noses rubbing and The Butterfly: kissing with eyelashes etc.) but I'm just trying to be general here.

I will have you know, recently I started dating someone who claimed to be "a really good kisser"…hum…I'll give him a try, was my first thought. (In the name of research right?) It took him a few dates to kiss me ("I didn't want to kiss you in the parking lot" he stated, which I found rather odd, because how many people have you seen making out in a parking lot? Right.) Finally he got over his nervous parking lot phobia and planted one on me outside of a local bar. He was right…he was a good kisser (…and well…he had more hidden talents too…more on those later.) But I must say, it brought him up a notch and made me want to see him more. Before that, he was a typical guy. Sports fan, good job, motivated worker type, loves his dog…blah blah blah. But get him out of the parking lot, and well, he can make out with me and turn me to Jell-O in about two minutes. He constantly gains points (and currently not freaked out by the fact I'm a romance writer…a huge plus!)

But for me, kissing, more than sex, is the ultimate intimacy. It's like a man can talk with his mouth, not say a word, but you know his stress, emotion, and endearment …all from a simple smooch. So get out there…practice, and remember not all kisses are alike. A kiss is so much more than just a kiss…it's quite literally a connection.


Monday, July 12, 2010

Check Mate

Friend: "How do I get Roger to break up with me?"
Me: "Why don't you just break up with him?"
Friend: "I don't want to hurt his feelings."
Say what? This was coming from a friend who knew she wanted to break up with this guy…but wanted him to do it because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. So what is she going to do…wait for him to hurt her feelings?
Eventually Roger called and said, "I think we need to distance ourselves" –this was as a huge weight taken off her shoulders, but why couldn't she just break up with him?
This made me re-exam my dating and break up life. And well, dating is like a chess game. You want to corner a partner, but still keep your options open for any move possible. When we know he isn't "the one" – Why don't we just break up? Maybe because, it's better to be in a relationship than not. But is it okay to lead someone on?
Breaking up is hard to do. This we all know is true. But if you know in your heart of hearts they aren't the one, should you lead them to break up with you, see the light that you two just aren't meant to be together…or should you stick it out, because it beats being single or do you stay in the relationship and keep looking and eventually cheat on him?
I've been dumped by a guy without any reason. (And let's just say for the record, I was damn better than anything he could ever get.) But he dumped me with the excuse of "just because" – without any explanation…and it killed me for months. I needed an answer, I needed closure. Now that I re-look at it, it would have been far easier to just lead him to break up with me, vs. get his lame response. I look back at that breakup and how much it hurt me and how confused I was (because did I mention, I was WAY too good for him???), and well, I kinda led him to break up with me too. I knew he wasn't the one for me. I was keeping my options open? Dating and still looking. So why was I so crushed? Oh, right, because he blindsided me. He check mated me without me seeing it.
Now that I've been playing chess, I mean dating, a few more years, I've learned not to get stuck in the corner. I don't jump in and get all gaga on the first date…put all my eggs into one basket, so to speak. I play it vague and strategic all at the same time. After all, dating is a game (I think). There are winners and definitely some losers, but I have faith, I will find a King to my Queen.