Mr. Perfect

You watch TV shows and movies that showcase happy couples, you read about celebrity relationships with envy, and you see how perfect their lives all must seem.  Baloney.  I am convinced, Mr. Perfect does not exist.  I have seen husbands make breakfast, boyfriends lovingly purchasing flowers for no reason, and soul mates displaying mounds of PDA…but underneath it all, there is always a flaw. 

No one is that perfect.    

Recently I was gushing to my sister about my boyfriend and I uttered the phrase, “I’m so lucky to have found him, he’s perfect.” 

My sister’s response, “You’re kidding, right?”

I know what she was thinking.  Sure, he’s not model gorgeous, of course he has his flaws (um, he likes to play lots of video games…which can be annoying when you want him to take out the trash.)   But what I do know is that he loves me and has enriched my life.  Sure we aren’t the perfect couple; of course we’ve had arguments.  He has flaws, and bytheway, so do I.

His most frequent flaws include (but not limited): lazy, passive aggressive, fatalistic, and penny-pincher.

My flaws (according to him): argumentative, stubborn (“my way or the highway” attitude), impatient, and unrealistic (I’m a romance writer…duh.)

Basically, I can’t change him, and he can’t change me…and we argue about these flaws all the time.  When we boil over and have the all out fight…we ultimately know we can’t change one another and have to reach our settling point in who we are as humans.  We can try to be better for each other, but we ultimately have to accept each others flaws.

For years I suffered from the, “I can do better” syndrome.  Always keeping one eye open looking for Mr. Perfect.  I finally realized I will look forever and ever and I have to accept a few flaws in a mate because I myself am not perfect. 

Listen, most of my girlfriends love my boyfriend and think we are two peas in a pod and act like we’ve known each other for years.  I always remind them he’s on good behavior in front of them, but in all honesty we are two adults who actually talk things out and communicate vs. having unrealistic expectations.

He's pretty close to Mr. Perfect.

A couple years ago, I devoured a book by Lori Gottlieb “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” and at first I was appalled.  I put on my princess panties and shouted out…I will never ever settle.   But I look back now, and I think no one is really that perfect.  We have to meet in the middle somewhere.

Of course I can dream about Mr. Perfect and at times, my boyfriend really is perfect.  He loves to wake me up in the morning and make me breakfast, brings me the paper from the driveway, and gives me little back rubs when I’m sitting on the couch after a long day.  But I will not forget, he is an occasional snorer, will wear his “Cthulhu Rocks” t-shirt around the house, and loudly yells at the TV while watching soccer games at 6am.  Sometimes those flaws can be deemed cute, and other times annoying, but what I do know, is he loves me and for that, he’s my Mr. Perfect.

Going the Distance

I have a friend who hasn’t been all that successful in her online dating quest.  As she teeters on the “give-up moment” I told her she should widen her search.  Date out of the area if you will.

“I don’t want to drive that far,” was her simple response.  

You’re kidding, right?

Here’s the deal, I lived in a beautiful, yet far location, just north of Los Angeles.  I moved there because I was working in Malibu (which is beautiful but far from Los Angeles, too.)  I dated men from Santa Barbara to San Diego…and put in my profile, “I don’t mind driving.”  While gas prices soar, yes, it’s a bit harder on the wallet, but my search was successful.  Why narrow your options? 

While Los Angeles is crawling with men, sometimes it’s refreshing to get out of “the norm” and find someone who is completely different from you.  If you’ve had your fair share of men in “your area”…branch out and see what else is out there.  What do you have to lose? (This also applies to New Yorkers who just can’t seem to get off their island.)

It is no secret I’ve been dating someone.  We are complete opposites, not to mention, lived on opposite ends of town.  When we met, I was living a THREE hour drive from him (and that’s without traffic).  We did all the communications routes: called, texted, skyped, emailed until we finally met face-to-face.  I knew so much about him when we met in person, it was as if we were already dating.  Living far away from each other gave us a chance to plan our dates, make our face-to-face dates special occasions which turned into weekend long visits and well…absence does make the heart grow fonder.  It took him a whopping three months before he asked me to move in with him.  And you know what…I eventually moved.  (I wanted to anyway…bad juju living close to my prior job was annoying me.)  Now I know this is an extreme case of odd things working out, but what if I never agreed to go out with him because he lived so far away?  Wouldn’t that have been a crime too?

I have heard stories of men who drive to far away locations to meet women and women who drive long distances to meet men…and they turn out horrible and they feel trapped.  First, I’m not advocating you stay at their place or move right away.  I’m merely suggesting you give them a try and not be so narrow minded in your quest.  Now, it also helped that my boyfriend was living in an area I actually wanted to move to.  I will admit, I wasn’t really interested in going to say Bakersfield (sorry Bakersfield…it’s too hot for me), and I definitely had some “winking” men from the Inland Empire – those weren’t necessarily cities I wanted to move to.  

One thing I did discover was once I said “yes” to moving, he was also open into the idea of us getting a place together so I didn’t feel like I was moving into his place or vice versa.  Many friends and family were leery of my move “it’s too soon,” “you own your place, why doesn’t he move to you?” etc etc…The simple thing is, we were far apart, and now we are under the same roof.  Happy and making it all work out.

And before you give me any “but, but, but…” my boyfriend said he would have never have made communication with me in our dating process because I lived too far.  That’s right…I approached him.  I was willing to move.  I was willing to drive.  I was willing to try new things.

So take this sage advice.  Widen the net. Cause I’m not home alone with my two cats anymore.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Well you’ve done good.

While last year I asked for a man to be wrapped and placed under my tree…I realize it took you a bit longer to send him to me. I knew it when I met him that he was your belated gift because one of our first dates was…where else? Under a tree in a forest wrapped up in many blankets.

So I have to say thank you Santa. You sent me the person I have been looking for. He’s not annoyed that I write about men and dates…(in fact, I think he kinda enjoys it.) When I took him to Tiffany’s…he made a purchase in an instant. No doe eyes, no looking at him longingly. He just did it. (I know Santa…where did you find him? I’m assuming Mrs. Claus had something to do with it…after all, I have learned from her…a way to a man’s heart is always through a plate of cookies.)

But honestly Santa…I think the reason this relationship is working is because this man can make me laugh at pretty much anything. (If not, I’m usually just laughing at myself.) But even when we have arguments, we discuss things like adults, admit our faults and nagging ways, and move through all conflict resolution like adults…(maybe I really did need all that time.)

You gave me hope, Santa. You let me find happiness even when I started to doubt the process. (But I will say…dating lots of different people has inspired so many stories for my novels!)

So Santa, this year I’ll tell you what I would like….I’d like you to spread the love and set up a couple friends of mine. I have been very good (I know you have been watching) and I think my friends deserve love too. So wrap up a couple of well mannered men and stick them under their trees, and if they aren’t there on Christmas morning…I’ll tell them to do some tree hugging.

Because it worked for me.

So Santa, I will see you bright and early Saturday night while I share a cozy fireplace moment with my BF. Then you can come down the chimney, we’ll share a mocha, and chat about who has been naughty and nice -- Maybe partake in a glass of sherry before you take off for the night. Then my Stud Muffin and I will look up into the sky and see your flickering sleigh ride across our night sky…and we will reflect at how truly we lucky to have found each other.

Thank you again Santa… You’re the best. And MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Love,

Heidi