Dump Time

I know, I know….there are two questions on everyone’s mind.


1) When is your book coming out?

2) Why aren’t you blogging?

Answers:

1) Not sure. Every publisher goes on vacation for the summer and I’ve been out of the loop. But I’m working on that answer soon!

2) Um, its summer and I’ve been lazy in the blog-o-sphere…been trying to finish two scripts and two books. Not to mention, working on a TV show, currently living with my boyfriend (insert, doing his laundry and general clean-up of a guy).

But here I am…ready to chat about dating, relationships and reality shows. First of all…reality shows. Let me just say, I’m a fan of Emily and Jef (with one f), I’m obsessed with “Miss Advised” (great casting -- those girls are all train wrecks), and for my friend (and former guy I dated Troy)…dude…what’s up with your show “Basketball Wives” and Evelyn and Chad? My TV viewing has seriously been in overdrive this summer…but as with most of us, back to school time usually means, back to work. (and back to the mall for new clothes, but I digress).

Okay, down to business. Let’s discuss dating. I have heard from many of you. Thanks for the emails…keep’em coming.

Recently a reader *Claire wrote to me for a little dating intervention. Her plea was simple. She’s been living with her boyfriend, and knows in her heart of heart he’s not “the one” but refuses to break up with him because that’s a lot of work. Claire has been dating her boyfriend Terence for just over two years. They moved in together after only knowing each other for two months. At first it was great. The money she was saving was fantastic and well, it was fun with her younger boy toy. But over the months, Terence has been driving her nuts, and now they are just two passing ships in the night. Claire last relationship was long term and she knows she doesn’t want to marry Terence. And she wouldn’t mind being a lone for a while, but she’s too lazy to actually break up with him. She laments to me that he’s a nice guy…but she’s just not in love with him.

Sound familiar?

Claire is already resenting Terence and it’s not getting any better. Honestly Claire, you sound a bit lazy (that’s ok…because you see, I’ve been lazy all summer). But here’s the thing -- Why can't you break up and be roommates…Why drag it on and pretend you are in a relationship?

I hear you responding already: “I don’t want to hurt him.”

Look…for all the men I’ve dated out there, when they told me “It’s just not there” and dumped me. I was totally grateful for their honesty.  While I might have shed a few initial tears, trust me when I tell you I was happy it didn’t drag on.

Claire, it’s time to live alone. (You said it you've never lived alone and that you've always had a man in your life.) See what it’s like. You might hate it and miss Terence. You might find someone completely new and better than him too. Right now, you are stuck in a rut. Move on girlfriend. And buy that pink couch and be all girlie for once...because you can.

Be proactive. He wants your honest answer, not this “not knowing and passing ship” scenario you’ve created.

If you need space and have never allowed yourself space, aren’t you going to be upset and mad at him if you’ve never given yourself space?

It’s time to be truthful with him, tell him he’s not “the one” and go from there. You might be much happier being friends and or roommates.

But, right now, I need to fold my honey's laundry.

HC
*Names have been changed.

Geek Love

Every year I make a list of what I want in a man.  I write it down, put it into the universe and hope that someday, this imaginary man will float into my life. 

One item that has remained on my list (since I started making lists) was I wanted someone who enjoyed to play board games.  Hear me out on this… my sister and I have been Scrabble addicts for quite some time.  There isn’t a day when I’m not far away from a Scrabble board or Bananagrams (another fav).  For me, these word games are challenging and good exercise for the brain.  My sister and I have carted our games pretty much anywhere (Irish bars, cruise ships, coffee shops, and mom’s house to name a few.)

When I started dating my boyfriend, I was pleased to learn… he was an avid gamer too.  Some of our first “dates” were playing Cribbage over our cellphones while chatting via Skype.  Sure it was a bit dorky, but it kept us on the “phone” and he was learning I wasn’t just some dumb blonde.

Then, back in February, my boyfriend took our “gaming” dates to a new level and he dragged me to a Gaming Convention (Stategicon).  Now, I know what you are thinking.  That’s pretty dorky.  Sure the hotel ballroom was crawling with self-professed geeks, dorks, social outcasts, weirdos in costumes, and D&D enthusiasts.  I will not lie; BUT, so there were also TONS of what looked like “socially normal” men.  (FYI – The ratio of men to women was about 20-1 odds…Sweet.)

As I walked through the halls of the Gaming Convention and I saw signs like “Role Players”; “Miniatures” and “RPGs” – I was acutely aware I was not in Hollywood anymore; I was in geek heaven and in my own episode of “The Big Bang Theory”. 

Now, I will note: I was also on a mission.  I was there to learn about this subculture and interview individuals as part of a local TV show I was producing for an upcoming segment.  While I interviewed these gamers, I grew to like them even more.  They didn’t care that people thought they were different; they embraced their passion.

Here’s some other tidbits I learned about gamers…Game playing: improves math skills, utilizes your imagination, helps you solve problems (and figure out mysteries better), keeps you social with like-minded players…and bottom line….it’s FUN.  As a writer and all around creative type, while I hate math, I love strategy and solving mysteries.  These people got me and I got them.

I learned about LARPers (Live-Action Role Players) and GURPS (Generic Universal Role Playing System)…while I wasn’t about to don a costume, these “players” knew their stuff about characters and problem solving better then some of my favorite writers. These “players” were actually writing their own games, on the spot and diving into characterization.  It was like novels coming to life. I found this revelation bizarre yet fun at the same time! 

Bottom line, it was an eye opening adventure.  I stepped out of my comfort zone and embraced a whole new level of games and the gaming society.  They taught me not to judge the differences but embrace them.  Be free to play games and step into fantasy.  After all, I’ve fallen in love with a gamer and that’s exactly what I always wanted.  

Mr. Perfect

You watch TV shows and movies that showcase happy couples, you read about celebrity relationships with envy, and you see how perfect their lives all must seem.  Baloney.  I am convinced, Mr. Perfect does not exist.  I have seen husbands make breakfast, boyfriends lovingly purchasing flowers for no reason, and soul mates displaying mounds of PDA…but underneath it all, there is always a flaw. 

No one is that perfect.    

Recently I was gushing to my sister about my boyfriend and I uttered the phrase, “I’m so lucky to have found him, he’s perfect.” 

My sister’s response, “You’re kidding, right?”

I know what she was thinking.  Sure, he’s not model gorgeous, of course he has his flaws (um, he likes to play lots of video games…which can be annoying when you want him to take out the trash.)   But what I do know is that he loves me and has enriched my life.  Sure we aren’t the perfect couple; of course we’ve had arguments.  He has flaws, and bytheway, so do I.

His most frequent flaws include (but not limited): lazy, passive aggressive, fatalistic, and penny-pincher.

My flaws (according to him): argumentative, stubborn (“my way or the highway” attitude), impatient, and unrealistic (I’m a romance writer…duh.)

Basically, I can’t change him, and he can’t change me…and we argue about these flaws all the time.  When we boil over and have the all out fight…we ultimately know we can’t change one another and have to reach our settling point in who we are as humans.  We can try to be better for each other, but we ultimately have to accept each others flaws.

For years I suffered from the, “I can do better” syndrome.  Always keeping one eye open looking for Mr. Perfect.  I finally realized I will look forever and ever and I have to accept a few flaws in a mate because I myself am not perfect. 

Listen, most of my girlfriends love my boyfriend and think we are two peas in a pod and act like we’ve known each other for years.  I always remind them he’s on good behavior in front of them, but in all honesty we are two adults who actually talk things out and communicate vs. having unrealistic expectations.

He's pretty close to Mr. Perfect.

A couple years ago, I devoured a book by Lori Gottlieb “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” and at first I was appalled.  I put on my princess panties and shouted out…I will never ever settle.   But I look back now, and I think no one is really that perfect.  We have to meet in the middle somewhere.

Of course I can dream about Mr. Perfect and at times, my boyfriend really is perfect.  He loves to wake me up in the morning and make me breakfast, brings me the paper from the driveway, and gives me little back rubs when I’m sitting on the couch after a long day.  But I will not forget, he is an occasional snorer, will wear his “Cthulhu Rocks” t-shirt around the house, and loudly yells at the TV while watching soccer games at 6am.  Sometimes those flaws can be deemed cute, and other times annoying, but what I do know, is he loves me and for that, he’s my Mr. Perfect.