The Settling Point

I just finished reading "Marry Him" by Lori Gottlieb.

Yes. That book about how women are supposed to settle for mediocre men because well…we are not the princesses our daddies told us we were.

I know. I hear you. When I first read a review, I literally laughed audibly and thought…this woman is nuts. Her point was "women should settle for Mr. Okay." Seriously?

Thank God for my Kindle which allowed me to purchase this book electronically because I would NEVER read it in public. But let me be the first one to tell you. It's worth the read. (Even if it makes you truly depressed.)

In the name of research…I read it…no devoured it…cover to cover. I have to laugh when she said, "I don't think I'll ever get another date after writing this book" – ahhh…yeah..I agree. Good luck with that.

Ms. Gottlieb polled women in their twenties, thirties and forties. From the pie-in-the-sky attitude of the twenty-somethings who had careers on their mind, and plenty of men, but looking for a good one who was perfect in every way. Most had unreliable lists and a plethora of deal breakers. Women in their mid-thirties and forties…well the gloves are off…these women will take the beer gut, bad dresser, the divorced dad with a couple kids. As long as we can have sex once a week, and well…you are breathing. But the men, they can, and are, dating women in the twenties. YIKES.

But you know what…she makes a point.

So who is she talking too? Women in their twenties…don't be so picky? Or is she talking to the woman in her forties and telling her…go for the dude with the beer gut and no hair? Cause, Ms. Gottlieb, you are scaring lots of women on multiple levels. Me in particular.

My goal in dating is simple. Have fun. If I start dating Mr. Boring…bye bye. But what's my settling point? Sure, men can always trade me in for the younger version of me…in their twenties. But is that what they really want? I tend to think I'm interesting, funny, and financially secure. So sue me.

She goes on to point out that so many women say "I would rather be alone than settle"…but the truth is they are alone and miserable…and still holding out for unrealistic standards.

So I examined a recent relationship:

This is the tale of forty-something Miles, and his twenty-something girlfriend Missy. I've been friends with Miles for a while but when he told me Missy dumped him for another guy "her age" -- I wasn't shocked, but Miles was. As his friend, I felt forced to tell Miles, "see you need to date someone your own age who doesn't play games." I wasn't angling for Miles (okay, I was a little). But honestly, I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him…yet. Beer gut, a couple kids, divorced…etc, he wasn't some carbon cut out of "perfect guy" but he was nice and we shared lots of the same interests.  Deep down I felt, Miles wanted a younger woman – so why would he "settle" for me. And why would I settle for Miles and all his "baggage"? (Again, he was divorced and not looking for a long term commitment.) So I gave him my sage advice to, "get out there and date and date someone who is a bit more mature than a twenty year old who is going to cheat on you." He gave me a smile…and we started dating. Yeah me! (Now…Ms. Gottlieb would say that Missy is going to dump Miles for now…and he'll move on and Missy will soon realize that he was "good enough" and come back. Meanwhile, I'm shoving Missy off the cliff and angling for her man…right?)

For me…as I date and unfortunately, keep getting older, I'm really looking for someone who makes me laugh and is their own individual and honestly…not boring. Sure I look past the beer gut, and I'm okay with the bald spot (both of which Miles has). And if that makes me a desperate dater…than so be it. But I don't ever feel I "settled" – I merely accepted the flaws of my partner…because we all have them sweetheart. No one is perfect. This I know is true.