Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Friend Zone

I believe men and women can be just friends. I know, I know, there is that "When Harry Met Sally" moment where they discuss this issue and debate it and Harry doesn't think they can. There are multiple ways to look at this:

Zone #1: We are attracted to a man and he is clueless we are attracted to him. We go out with groups of friends and get our flirt on. He buys us a beer, cocktail, etc and gives us causal bumps all night. We get all tingle-y and think he likes us. This goes on for months. Finally, we invite him over to fix our cable TV and have visions he'll bust a move now that were alone. It doesn't happen. We are just friends. After many months of flirting and reading all of his signals (wrong I might add) we complain to our girlfriends who are sick of hearing about him…we finally get up the courage to just ask him "Do you like me" – and we get a vague answer. (Answer would be "NO…I just want to be friends.") Yes…we are in the friend zone. (Quick note: If he did come over to fix our cable TV and something did happen…but he doesn't admit it to his friends. Well…he just wanted an easy lay and knew you would be an easy target. He is NOT a friend…he used you…move on and not be his friend….you are not in "the zone".)

There are countless men in my life who fall into this category. I usually have many crushes that fizzle into nothing. I've learned to not waste so much time in this zone. I'm much more forthright now and can ask "do you like me" pretty early on. This zone can be a time suck.

Zone #2: He likes us, and we are totally not attracted to him. So we blow him off to the friend zone. Sometimes he stays around sometimes he moves on…and yes, we get jealous when he gets a girlfriend and kisses her in front of us. But we remain friends because that's what women do. Friends forever.

To this day I have male friends that I am not attracted to but love them like my good girlfriends and give me much insight into the male psyche. They mean so much to me and I swear…I am looking for a good girl for you J.

Zone #3: He's married but interesting. Ladies…we're not out to take your husband, boyfriend, etc. Most women know he's off limits. But if you found him interesting and want him to network with us, let him. We are friends. Trust me.

One of my best male friends is married. He is a fellow writer, completely off limits but we get together and share thoughts, stories, relationship news, everything…it's like a brother-sister thing. His wife is thankfully, not jealous of us and she actually said to me "Heidi, thank you for giving him such great advice" – see I'm helping his marriage! This is a healthy zone.

Zone #4: After you break up with a guy you were dating, you actually think (and know) he's a good guy, it just wasn't working out in your relationship. You can actually be friends with him even though he's not "your guy" anymore. You tried your hardest to make your relationship work...and you did good work teaching him about what women want. But now, you can be friends with an ex (I look at my divorced friends who share custody of their children and can bring their blended families to BBQ's…you can be friends just not lovers.)

After a recent break up (he picked another girl over me)…I could have just blown him off and never talked to him again, but you know what? He's a nice guy. Interesting. So why throw that all away? Life is too short. Fall into the friend zone, its okay. (I am just slightly bitter about the other girl…but getting over it…now that I too am dating someone new.)

Zone #5: The co-worker/employer friend zone. Men and women spend an awfully long time working together side by side; they are going to be friends. You go to lunch, you network, sometimes you travel together, share ideas and make each laugh in the cubes and at the proverbial water cooler. This is a healthy friend zone and doesn't mean he wants to jump you in the copy room (I think.)

I had a great relationship with my last co-worker. He told me I made him laugh on a daily basis. Sure I was attracted to him, but I knew and respected his friend zone status. (For the record, we had a company "non-dating" policy, so I'm not sure if he ever was interested… But he's still a good friend and I have the upmost respect for him.)

I write these zones after I have re-connected with a Zone #1 friend. I had such a huge crush on him and now, some 10 years later; he's grown into a wonderful man, husband, father and well…still a very good friend. I'm glad I told him I had a crush on him all those years ago and even though I wasn't the one for him, I remained his friend and I cherish our relationship today.

So my sage advice here is: Be an adult and when you are tossed the line "I think we are better off being just friends" – don't curse The Friend Zone, but embrace it for what it is.


 

 

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