Letter to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,
I'm not writing you as some young sugar high child, a sad widow who lost her husband in the war, or a victim of some horrible disease on her death bed…No. I'm just a pathetic single woman who thought if I can't find Mr. Right through every other channel, why not write to Santa Claus? I mean, as a kid, you were good to me…I put my wish list on paper and mailed it off to the North Pole and you always delivered: a pink bicycle, new roller skates and Kermit the frog sheets… Then on Christmas Day, poof, they arrived under my tree. So I thought, why not count on you once again?
With that…I would like:
A man (no boys)
Currently Single (he could be divorced, have kids…I'm good with that.)
Lives in or around Los Angeles (there are what…3 million men in Los Angeles, you must be able to find one that fits these criteria.)
Wants to love me (I was going to say…treats me like a princess…but then I thought you'd think I am younger than I really am….and also…I don't need a tiara I just want to be loved…cause rarely do I feel I get the love back.)
It'd be nice if he had a job (I'd like to retain my life as a freelance writer…and let's face facts, my money is feast of famine…famine isn't probably the best word here…might upset Angelina Jolie, so lets say…my finances aren't always fruitful…although doing pretty good thus far.)
He likes art, movies, live concerts and an occasional play and doesn't mind my obsession with really bad reality programming. (But he should understand that I've become a better cook after watching every season of Top Chef, right?)
He can laugh at himself. (I make fun of 'too serious guy' so he needs to lighten up. Plus, clearly I tend to crack myself up.)
He's not a total hermit and can hold up in a crowd (but please don't break into song in the middle of the mall.)
Doesn't maul me with total PDA (had one of those this year. That was scary.)
Carries a decent amount of chivalry (doesn't yell at waiters for example…and also should know when to pull me away when I'm having a full on melt down on Black Friday at the Best Buy yelling at the manager…thankfully my sister was there to rescue me.)
Can play scrabble with me. (I'm trying to avoid the phrase, "he has to have game"…cause I'm not taking swagger here…just someone who is smart enough to play a board game would be nice.)
Santa, I tell you all this because I've been really really good this year. I brush my teeth every night, take out the trash when it's full, do my assignments when they are due (sort of), am a good friend to my friends, and volunteer my time when I can.
So, that's all. I will expect him to be under my tree (no wrapping or bows necessary) on December 25^th.
Thanks again Santa.
Love and only love,
Heidi

Indifferent Fools

Why are women addicted to bad boys? I'm not talking about abusers (guys who hit, stalk, emotionally scar women…) I'm more looking at lazy losers, who forget to call, the indifferent attitudes, those who seriously treat you like shit, oh and the classic, those who leave their dishes out for you to pick up.
Why? What's attractive about that?
I've had one or two of these in my life (maybe even three of four). Why didn't I just walk away? If a man raised his hand to me…hell, I'd be out the door in a nanosecond. But the indifferent 'who doesn't give a shit' guy…I'll keep him around for months.
Is it the chase? The searching for answers? The 'why are you treating me like garbage when I'm the best damn thing you'll ever get so why are you doing this to me?'
I guess I want his lame answer. And I don't know why.
One of my 'indifferent idiots' constantly made plans, then on the night of the supposed date wherein I'd change into cute clothes, then wait. And wait. And wait. And wait for him to text, call or suddenly show up. Finally around 8:00pm I'd call him and get a machine. By this time, my blood would boil over, I'd put on my sweats and eat ice cream. He did it to me again. He didn't call and had me glued to my phone waiting for him to call. Usually, the next day or even up to a week later, he'd call like nothing ever happened and say, let's get together. Now the bitter me, wanted to stand him up. See how it feels. But…I was raised better than that. Plans are plans. So I'd victim-ly go out and nothing would be mentioned of the stand up from the prior day/week.
Now, I understand when "something comes up". But we are in an era of smartphones…send me an email, a text, or hell…why not call and give me your lame excuse? Are you afraid of my response? Timid lazy slacker. I truly don't/didn't/will not care. But as a woman…I want/need/desire your lame excuse.
Here's my thought: You didn't win, because you let a really good, smart, and fun girl go. (And lots of thanks for treating me like shit in the process…do you feel better? You actually hurt my feelings. You my friend, are a true dickhead.)
Once I was seeing yet another indifferent guy, and he was totally afraid to call me and tell me "I'm just not that into you". His situation was…he was just too lame to tell me the truth. Instead he led me on for months. We chatted, flirted even, yet he never made plans. Finally, I dunno, two months later, he gets the courage to tell me "I can't date you."
Of course, this was not the answer he should have told me. I would have much preferred "I'm not into you" – because saying "you can't date me" put all sorts of thoughts in my head. Was I obsessive? Did I say something to piss you off? Did I push too hard toward a relationship? What? Don't be so open ended. Just give me something to chew on so I don't recalculate every step I made with you during our "relationship". In other words, don't be an indifferent asshole.
Guys…let me fill you in here: Women…dissect every move you make, every word you utter, and re-live it out with our girlfriends. Don't confuse us. And don't be indifferent because sooner or later we just give up. You wasted our time. You are one lazy asshole.
Your loss.
(But why am I secretly hoping you'll call?)…the cycle always continues for me….

Where the Men Are

People always ask me, "Where do I find a good guy?"

Like I'm some expert. Please.

Ladies, it's time to think outside of the box. Not all men are sitting at a bar waiting to talk to women. Women, like men, go to bars with their friends. Men don't go to bars to chat up random women. And the men that do go to bars to chat up random women are not the guys women want to talk to. Right?

So I put my thinking cap on…and put together a list of random spots for you to meet men. If you are like me, you want to move beyond internet dating (which bytheway…I've met many nice men on…so don't knock it out.) …and developed this list from many hours of "research". (Stop laughing…it's tax right off-able now.)

Gardening class: No joke, my friend Kelly and I met the HOTTEST men at a gardening cooperative extension class. Seriously, there were about ten men and ten women (and the women weren't lookers, and for once…we were!) Eight out of the ten guys were smoking hot. Cargo shorts, shirts optional, and they were into "composting". To sum it up…they had hot bods, were eco-crunchy, and needed a bath, but we shared similar interests and they had no problem coming over to "look at my yard" (sexual overtones welcome). When the weather warms, consider a class at the local garden center or cooperative extension in your hood. Ladies, get your green on.

Camping Superstores (such as REI): Similar types to the gardeners above abound at REI. Hot dudes like to look at camping stuff. So even if you would no way in hell sleep under the stars, heading to REI is a lot of fun. At the one closest to my house, they have a "rock wall" which you can climb for free (as long as you sign up for a membership…which doesn't cost anything). Give it a try. Make noise and seek help. Having a guy tell you about good "belays, harnesses, and awesome hiking trails" is like the holy grail of manly men. Who knows, he might inspire you to cuddle in his sleeping bag.

Electronics Store: On the opposite end of the spectrum…if you want a serious home body, there is no better place than a clueless woman in the TV section of a Best Buy to meet her knight with a remote control. High Def, Surround Sound, blue ray players, pixel count…whatever…I know you don't really give a shit about that stuff…but let him do the talking. Guys love to tell you about this crap. So let him. Finally, ask him what his favorite movie is…and you would really like to experience "Avatar" on a 50" TV before you purchase one. If he takes the bait, you might just have yourself a hot date back at his place sooner than you can set up your direct TV dish.

Book Store Music departments: I don't know why…but I see a lot of dating couples in a bookstore, but the women go off to read best sellers, and guys head to the music section. Here's the thing: Go in looking for something, stating "….I heard the latest Arcade Fire CD is just okay, but I loved their last album, can you make a suggestion?" If they tell you they don't work there…good. So you respond with "oh, I'm sorry, do you have any suggestions anyway? I just want some new music for my ipod." The girlfriend is reading book covers…she won't notice you stealing her man in the music dept. He is far more interested in you now than her anyway…and their relationship is probably on the rocks…because she's reading books and not having sex with him. Similar…go to music events. Only note…they are usually there to listen to the music. So it's similar to a bar….you will see men, but hard to talk to them. So my suggestion is to head to music stores first to meet them then go to the concert.

5k's, 10k's, half Marathons, Marathons, Mud Runs, and other "running" activities: I don't "run" but recently I told a friend I would take photos of her on her run. Ladies it was the Holy Grail of single men. Actually, I took photos at a "Mud Run" (which was sponsored by Miller Lite) and there were men to spare. Gorgeous men covered in mud, drinking beer. Had I been more prepared (ah, looked a bit better than I rolled out of bed)…I would have had my serious flirt on. Men, men, men, everywhere. I've also rooted on a friend when she did her first marathon and had the same experience…hotties in running shorts. So go, be supportive sport, but be near the finish line (otherwise…they just run past you.) (Also note: anything sponsored by a beer company is going to bring out the guys. So "like" all beer companies on Facebook and they will tell you when these events are. Seriously.)

Join a "club" such as Movie clubs, poker tournaments, or join the office softball team: You don't need to be a huge sporty gal (they will thing you are a lesbian) but you can warm the bench and bake treats for your team, while checking out the men on the other teams. If you like movies, find a local "cinema society" or a theater doing a retrospective -- usually there is a "discussion" after the film, and a perfect way to meet new people.

Got game? Do a poker tournament at a casino. Get out and about with "man hobbies" – why not?

Wine or beer tasting or "foodie" events: With this increasing obsession for the culinary arts, more and more special events revolve around "tasting" events. Grab a male or female friend and saddle up next to a pack of single men. Taste food and discuss. Easy openers are all over these events. Recently, I went to a "food truck" event in the parking lot of the stadium. 50 trucks, one entrance fee, tons of guys everywhere. Now, I will admit, there were lots of couples at this too…but, I went with a group, and we had 2 single men in our "pack" – so not only did I get to know them, but I also met men along the route who had similar tastes to mine. "Did you try the Thai truck..it was awesome." It was literally a smorgasbord or men and food. One word: heaven. (Although I did need a Tums the next morning).

These are just a few ideas you might not have heard of…if you have a suggestion…let me know. I'm up for something new (all in the name of research).

Create Your Team

I heard a great story today. A friend of mine has a friend who recently got engaged. "Congratulations…how did you meet?" And the answer wasn't what she expected.

Here's the tale: Woman A was sitting at her favorite bar/country club. Woman B walks in and is waiting for her boyfriend of six months to finish his round of golf…chats it up with Woman A. "My boyfriend is the best, brings me flowers, super at tentative, the perfect man I've dated in years…" says Woman B .

I know you know where this is going…..

Well Woman A has her game on. After Woman B has left the building, Woman A tells the bartender when so-and-so boyfriend of Woman B shows up at the country club to call her. She also tells this info to the valet (in case the bartender falls short). You guessed it…the boyfriend shows up. Woman A gets a call and flirts with the guy. They chat and have a great conversation. He ends up dumping Woman B and dating Woman A….and now, they are engaged.

We've all done it. Bragged about our great guys and we've also bitched about our bad guys. But you never really know the company you're keeping. A single desperate woman could be in your mist. But was it wrong of Woman A to, ahhhhh, nag a great guy? If this guy sounded too good to be true, and hadn't yet proposed to Woman B…was he fair game? Or was Woman A a boyfriend stealer?

Now….I love this story. Because it's the story of a great guy…not knowing he's a great guy…and the desperate women who well…fought or lost him.

Now, Woman A was a smart cookie. Upon hearing about this "great guy" she used her connections at the bar (and apparently in town) to spread her worthiness. She was available and wanted to also be a great girlfriend and now, wife. She was prepared…we don't know if Woman B was.

So this made me re-examine my own life and dating world. Am I prepared for a relationship? Do I have everything together to be a good and supportive partner? Answer: For the right guy. You bet I am.

I used to think getting married and being in a relationship was all about finances. We must come to the table as equal partners. Well, that's a myth. Then I thought, oh, I must lose ten pounds and look fantastic, that will work. Wrong again. It's really a head game. Are you ready to be emotionally there for one another? Are you that perfect fit with him and he with you? Sometimes this takes time to figure out, and sometimes it just clicks.

Now, if I was at the bar and heard about someone's "perfect guy" tale…I don't know if I have enough game to plot my "steal" – but I do like the idea of having a "team" tell great guys about me.

So think about what team you would create. Maybe co-workers, members of your church, family, people you know from charity groups, or similar interests groups, bartenders and valets and of course good friends. If you hear about a great guy…someone is bound to know him too in your circle. Enlist your friends to talk about you and call you when he happens to be spotted out and about. Get your game on and be prepared. The prepared girl, it seems, gets the guy.

Good luck.