Create Your Team

I heard a great story today. A friend of mine has a friend who recently got engaged. "Congratulations…how did you meet?" And the answer wasn't what she expected.

Here's the tale: Woman A was sitting at her favorite bar/country club. Woman B walks in and is waiting for her boyfriend of six months to finish his round of golf…chats it up with Woman A. "My boyfriend is the best, brings me flowers, super at tentative, the perfect man I've dated in years…" says Woman B .

I know you know where this is going…..

Well Woman A has her game on. After Woman B has left the building, Woman A tells the bartender when so-and-so boyfriend of Woman B shows up at the country club to call her. She also tells this info to the valet (in case the bartender falls short). You guessed it…the boyfriend shows up. Woman A gets a call and flirts with the guy. They chat and have a great conversation. He ends up dumping Woman B and dating Woman A….and now, they are engaged.

We've all done it. Bragged about our great guys and we've also bitched about our bad guys. But you never really know the company you're keeping. A single desperate woman could be in your mist. But was it wrong of Woman A to, ahhhhh, nag a great guy? If this guy sounded too good to be true, and hadn't yet proposed to Woman B…was he fair game? Or was Woman A a boyfriend stealer?

Now….I love this story. Because it's the story of a great guy…not knowing he's a great guy…and the desperate women who well…fought or lost him.

Now, Woman A was a smart cookie. Upon hearing about this "great guy" she used her connections at the bar (and apparently in town) to spread her worthiness. She was available and wanted to also be a great girlfriend and now, wife. She was prepared…we don't know if Woman B was.

So this made me re-examine my own life and dating world. Am I prepared for a relationship? Do I have everything together to be a good and supportive partner? Answer: For the right guy. You bet I am.

I used to think getting married and being in a relationship was all about finances. We must come to the table as equal partners. Well, that's a myth. Then I thought, oh, I must lose ten pounds and look fantastic, that will work. Wrong again. It's really a head game. Are you ready to be emotionally there for one another? Are you that perfect fit with him and he with you? Sometimes this takes time to figure out, and sometimes it just clicks.

Now, if I was at the bar and heard about someone's "perfect guy" tale…I don't know if I have enough game to plot my "steal" – but I do like the idea of having a "team" tell great guys about me.

So think about what team you would create. Maybe co-workers, members of your church, family, people you know from charity groups, or similar interests groups, bartenders and valets and of course good friends. If you hear about a great guy…someone is bound to know him too in your circle. Enlist your friends to talk about you and call you when he happens to be spotted out and about. Get your game on and be prepared. The prepared girl, it seems, gets the guy.

Good luck.

Thick Love

Have you heard about the Marie Claire blogger issue? Let me fill you in. This blogger, Maura Kelly, wrote a post where she basically states she's disgusted watching fat people make out on the street and on TV (they have a picture from the CBS show "Mike and Molly" with the blog post). http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/dating-blog/overweight-couples-on-television

Now, I'm no skinny minny, I am like most humans…someone who is in the constant struggle with their weight. Ms. Kelly, in her retraction, has confessed that she has dealt with anorexia. (Which I guess she feels makes her an "expert" in weight issues….????)

She gives her two cents to the obese to: "….eat more fresh and unprocessed foods, read labels and avoid foods with any kind of processed sweetener in them whether it's cane sugar or high fructose corn syrup, increase the amount of fiber you're getting, get some kind of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week, and do everything you can to stand up more — even while using your computer — and walk more. I admit that there's plenty that makes slimming down tough, but YOU CAN DO IT! Trust me. It will take some time, but you'll also feel so good, physically and emotionally. A nutritionist or personal trainer will help — and if you can't afford one, visit your local YMCA for some advice."

Hum. Okay Ms. Kelly: I go to the gym roughly 4 to 5 times a week for a solid hour workout. I never drink soda, and haven't had fast or processed food in over three years (something I gave up for New Years 2007 and haven't gone back.) Bottom line: Weight issues are personal. Every person is unique and different. Everyone has to deal with their own issues whether it's physical or psychological. Why would I (or anyone else) even consider taking your advice whether it's truthful or not? Who died and made you an expert?

What really gets me in a tizzy about this blog post and her retraction, is the lack of a response from Marie Claire. Within their pages, they publish a fantastic column called "Big Girl in a Skinny World" by Ashley Falcon, who in the words of Maura Kelly is, shall we say "plump" – Ashley Falcon is a fashion conscious consumer who struggles with trends for her curves and finds a solution and gives great advice. It's well written, honest and relatable.

So when Marie Claire's own blogger writes that she finds it "gross" to watch fat people make out…where is Ashley? (This is your swan song Ashley…and Marie Claire should be putting her front and center on this issue.)

If you read Maura Kelly's bio, she apparently is writing a novel, and considers dating her job. (I wonder how that is working for her?) Bottom line is that Maura offended a treasure trove of readers by simply not being relatable and touting her own personal thoughts about the obese (lumping every single person who has a weight issue together) and offending masses of readers.

BUT….let's discuss the thicker issue here (pun intended). Being overweight and dating sucks. And if Ms. Kelly writes a dating blog, and she wants to write about real weight issues, why not write about "Sex and Thunder Thighs", "He's a good 30 lbs Heavier than his Profile Picture" or "First Date Fashion to Hide Your Muffin Top"?

So while people can protest, cancel their subscriptions to Marie Claire, blah blah blah…I do enjoy fashion and being trendy and I love Ashley Falcon's column.

I have seriously dived into the weight issue with my new novel ("Love in the Time of Skinny Jeans") and what I do know is that men are bias to "plump women". I deal with my weight every day of my life and I constantly struggle with my own image issues. BUT, I try not to judge people. It is hard to lose weight and keep it off. But it's even harder to be single in a sea of skinny people (aka Hollywood). So rather than be "disgusted" by fat people, let's all be sisters in the struggle.

Lost in Translation

You've heard the phrase, "men are from Mars and women are from Venus." While I don't think we are from outer space, I do think men are men and women are women…we are just simply wired differently.

Recently I had a friend who went on vacation to China. She took these fabulous pictures of all these signs that were meant to be read by English speaking tourists. They cracked me up…but it also brought up and interesting point. Sometimes our messages and actions can be interpreted in many ways. Since I'm not a guy, I'm often flabbergasted when I get an email, text or a voicemail message that makes no sense. Is he trying to tell me something? Is he being vague because maybe he has a girlfriend and I'm his side show? Does he really think it's okay to cancel on me again? What is going on? Are you just not that into me?

Here's a secret: When I'm about to get my period…I cry. Cry at the emotional coffee commercials, cry at the inspirational talk shows, hell, I cry during a funny sitcom. Literally, I will sit there with my Kleenex and think…I should go buy some tampons. Men…you cannot understand this feeling. You just can't and well…I don't understand it myself. I just know when I start to cry at totally lame commercials, I'm probably pre-menstrual.

Somewhere in our breakdowns between the sexes we have to come to the realization that we're different. I wholly believe this is why both men and women need their spaces in their houses. Call them "man caves" or "craft rooms" or whatever…just give me some alone time and move out of my way.

Which brings me to my madness today….I've been dating a guy who always comes up with the loftiest tales to tell me when he wants to cancel a date. Common one liners are: I'm sick; I have to work late; I'm too tired… etc. All signs are pointing he's not that into me. BUT when I bring it up to him…he honestly thinks no, that's not the case…he's just sick, tired, and working too much. I should just understand, move out of his way. The game is on. And that's when I crack. The calm rational girl and me walks out of the house and goes for a walk to blow off my steam. But in reality, I call my best friend and have a major bitch session. The guy has screwed up …again and he just doesn't get it.

Now I am no fool. I know when there is a baseball playoff game on, I understand the Sunday football commitments, and when something better comes up like….ah…sitting on the couch…I get it. Who isn't tired?

So is he lying? Or am I just lost in the male translation of his actions? Does he just need space and doesn't know how to verbalize this to me? I don't want to come off as some needy chick who is constantly calling him or texting him…but can you give me a bit more than "I'm sick."? Yes..this is where we differ. Men think that's the excuse and end of story. Newsflash: Women need more. We want to know you are committed. Try this: "Honey, I'm not feeling well but I promise to take you out on next Friday, if I feel better." Now was that so hard?

I don't think men and women will ever really know or understand one another, for now, we are just going to be lost in translation. So if I start crying when a Folgers commercial comes on you can just politely move out of the way and I will try and understand your Sunday ritual of sitting around in a smelly football jersey eating chips and watching football all day rather than having sex.

Well, I'll try and understand that.

HC

Pull the Trigger

Okay, has this ever happened to you? You have been emailing a guy. You get along great but he never asks you out? And then he drops the excuse… "I'm new in town. Where do you want to meet?"
Really? Do we need to do everything? Get a plan, call, and be a man. This is called: Pulling the trigger.

From simple first dates, to asking a girl to the school dance, to busting a first kiss, and well hell, the holy grail of proposing with a ring…these are all "trigger pull" issues for men. This is not the day and age to be shy, sit in the corner, and wait for us to tell you what we want…just do it. Rejection is not that bad.

The First Date Triggers: There are a gaggle of Starbucks worldwide. So if you want a simple first date. Pick one and meet there. Now, how hard was that? Pull it. End of story. For the more adventurous first daters, suggest a restaurant or activity (bowling, miniature golf, ice skating, movie etc). It is perfectly acceptable to ask what type of food we like (not everyone is a sushi eater, or they might be a vegetarian.) Do a little research, read some restaurant reviews, maybe scope out the restaurant in a drive by, get the movie times, and then pull the trigger with a plan. Easy!

The Trigger Kiss: You know that awkward moment, you're on your second or third date and you wouldn't mind for the guy to kiss you goodnight. So let's say, he walks you to your car, if you're not interested…you jump in the car and say thanks. You dodged a bullet. BUT, if you give him a hug, lock eyes and tilt you head. This is the universal symbol to give us a kiss. Now I'm not saying to go in full throttle PDA and make out in a parking lot. But throw us an interest. If you turn and go and don't even walk us to our car…well, yeah…we get it. Not interested.

I went out with a guy recently who got nervous every time he went to kiss me. "I don't like kissing in a parking lot" he told me. Seriously, he gave me a peck and five minutes later texted me "I wish I could have really kissed you…" So, why didn't you? Hello???

Now, what should he have done?

A) Gave me a more than a peck in the parking lot.
B) Whispered in my ear that he wanted to kiss me more and suggest a location to go other than the parking lot.
C) Waited until the next date wherein the date would end in an intimate location not a parking lot.
D) All of the above.
My answer would have been B. (His text was actually kinda close to "whispering".) So where did this lead to? Yes…we met up ten minutes later and had a wonderful make out session back at my place…because afterall…he was a non-trigger puller and I knew he wanted me to make it simple for him.

The 'back in the saddle' non trigger puller: You know the type. He was just burned in a relationship, or divorced, or just a guy who hasn't been on a lot of dates. He's forgotten how to date! Please, please, please. Call with a plan. I was communicating with one of these lately. He loved to email but the thought of actually meeting scared the crap out of him. Would I be disappointed in what he looked like? Would I notice that he didn't date much? Didn't have much hair? Was I sure I wanted to go out with him. Hello….if you lied in your "online profile" – that's your issue. There was something in your profile and emails that peaked my interest to at least go out for a cup of coffee and meet you. Stop with the witty emails and wasting way too much of my time. Let's just meet. Pull the trigger.

You know what really drives me mad? These 'back in the saddle' types who ask way too many questions. Example: Terry was a serial non-trigger puller. He'd send me these great emails. Full of witty responses, thoughtful messages, and caring thoughts. But Terry could not for the life of him pull the trigger. He could never commit to a date, location, or time. I knew he was interested, but coming up with suggestions was getting old. I was leading him to water way to many times. Here's a classic line he'd write me: "I'm thinking about going out to dinner with you. Do you know any great Italian restaurants? What's your week looking like? "

Now…Terry's not really asking me on a date he just wants some suggestions. And he doesn't tell me how his week looks like, but wants to know mine.

So I screw with Terry. "I'm free tonight. There is a great Italian place around the corner from my apartment. Wanna meet at 7:00pm?" Yeah…didn't date him very long. His tactic didn't work because he didn't know how to make a plan and pull the trigger.

Hope this is enlightening to my male readers. Ladies…can I get an amen?

You're welcome.

HC