A Kiss is Just a Kiss

Have you ever met a really cute guy only to learn that he was a bad kisser? This has happened to me on more than one occasion. You know the scene: you are totally attracted to a guy and when he goes in to kiss and…well, you just don't fit together. I used to blame it on the alcohol. But when it happens more than one time…and the guy is stone sober, well…we have a problem.

Now I'm not saying throw in the towel. I'm all about lessons.… Vocalize. Tell the guy…"hey, you're sloppy. Mouth is here (point to mouth, and lips) and let's stop the sucking noises." But if he doesn't get it and thinks his "techniques" are fab…and well, they aren't….you might want/need to move on.

Not all kisses are alike either… So let's examine….

The Peck: Yes…it's a peck. But it's an open invitation too. Peck on the cheek, means he's trying to be polite and learn your space, but also a red flag that he might not be all that into you. Peck on the lips on a first date is totally acceptable. Also, let him do the lean in for the peck…don't be pecking him. Let him be an acceptable gentleman. But I will admit, this is hard to read. Fingers crossed you get a second date. But if he blows you off…move on. And let's all remember when we're not attracted to someone and totally grateful he only decided to peck us on the first date. Right?

The Smooch: Lips on lips, longer than a peck, no tongue. I love a good smooch at the end of the day. It doesn't take effort, isn't leading to anything, not misread…just shows there is affection. A smooch is perfect for greeting someone walking in the door or right before you drift off to sleep after a long day.

The Nash: Falling into each other and a little more intense kissing. This is followed by a little more heavy breathing and some hot and heavy petting. You literally are nashing together and there might be some teeth involved.

The Suck: Sort of like nashing, but the kiss has some weird "suck your brains out" feeling. (Don't know where this was taught that this was a desirable kissing technique, but I've been "sucked" on more than one occasion and so I assume many men think this is a desirable technique – word to the wise…it's not..)

The Earlobe: This is where your partner kisses and bites your earlobe and might use their tongue in your ear. But partners…stick to the lobe. Tongues in ears is what the kids call a "wet willy"…so stop at the lobe.

The French: Okay…when you get tongue tied…you are "French kissing" – why we give this technique to the French is beyond me (I've read the French call it "English kissing"), but I assume the French "invented" the use of a tongue in a kiss and well…if they coined this kiss (and apparently cutting potatoes into matchsticks we call French fries) well…let's just give them credit shall we? Now…there are a couple techniques here. There is the "stab" and then there is the "round the world" – I'd love to hear your stories on kisses…but let's just say, I'm more of a fan of the "natural" use of the tongue where you are more in sync together with your tongues. When a guy is stabbing his tongue at me…it's not that, shall we say, desirable. Usually there is some sort of "around the world" action with, in my option, good French kissing. That is if they can make a connection and aren't just a propeller in my mouth.

The "Make Out": Well this is the "mixed tape" of kissing. A little of all above kisses. And if he starts feeling you up…well we call that "going to 3^rd base"…and is usually part of making out.

Now there are other kisses far from these general kisses (The Eskimo: where you kiss with your noses rubbing and The Butterfly: kissing with eyelashes etc.) but I'm just trying to be general here.

I will have you know, recently I started dating someone who claimed to be "a really good kisser"…hum…I'll give him a try, was my first thought. (In the name of research right?) It took him a few dates to kiss me ("I didn't want to kiss you in the parking lot" he stated, which I found rather odd, because how many people have you seen making out in a parking lot? Right.) Finally he got over his nervous parking lot phobia and planted one on me outside of a local bar. He was right…he was a good kisser (…and well…he had more hidden talents too…more on those later.) But I must say, it brought him up a notch and made me want to see him more. Before that, he was a typical guy. Sports fan, good job, motivated worker type, loves his dog…blah blah blah. But get him out of the parking lot, and well, he can make out with me and turn me to Jell-O in about two minutes. He constantly gains points (and currently not freaked out by the fact I'm a romance writer…a huge plus!)

But for me, kissing, more than sex, is the ultimate intimacy. It's like a man can talk with his mouth, not say a word, but you know his stress, emotion, and endearment …all from a simple smooch. So get out there…practice, and remember not all kisses are alike. A kiss is so much more than just a kiss…it's quite literally a connection.

HC

Check Mate

Friend: "How do I get Roger to break up with me?"
Me: "Why don't you just break up with him?"
Friend: "I don't want to hurt his feelings."
Say what? This was coming from a friend who knew she wanted to break up with this guy…but wanted him to do it because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. So what is she going to do…wait for him to hurt her feelings?
Eventually Roger called and said, "I think we need to distance ourselves" –this was as a huge weight taken off her shoulders, but why couldn't she just break up with him?
This made me re-exam my dating and break up life. And well, dating is like a chess game. You want to corner a partner, but still keep your options open for any move possible. When we know he isn't "the one" – Why don't we just break up? Maybe because, it's better to be in a relationship than not. But is it okay to lead someone on?
Breaking up is hard to do. This we all know is true. But if you know in your heart of hearts they aren't the one, should you lead them to break up with you, see the light that you two just aren't meant to be together…or should you stick it out, because it beats being single or do you stay in the relationship and keep looking and eventually cheat on him?
I've been dumped by a guy without any reason. (And let's just say for the record, I was damn better than anything he could ever get.) But he dumped me with the excuse of "just because" – without any explanation…and it killed me for months. I needed an answer, I needed closure. Now that I re-look at it, it would have been far easier to just lead him to break up with me, vs. get his lame response. I look back at that breakup and how much it hurt me and how confused I was (because did I mention, I was WAY too good for him???), and well, I kinda led him to break up with me too. I knew he wasn't the one for me. I was keeping my options open? Dating and still looking. So why was I so crushed? Oh, right, because he blindsided me. He check mated me without me seeing it.
Now that I've been playing chess, I mean dating, a few more years, I've learned not to get stuck in the corner. I don't jump in and get all gaga on the first date…put all my eggs into one basket, so to speak. I play it vague and strategic all at the same time. After all, dating is a game (I think). There are winners and definitely some losers, but I have faith, I will find a King to my Queen.

Balance of Power

I have a friend Greg who is dating the hot model-college student Tiffany. (She's 21, goes to Pepperdine.) 26-year-old Greg is well…unemployed and sometimes works in production. He makes ends meet with odd jobs (helping people move) and working part time at his gym. He worships his hot girlfriend and is the envy of all his friends. The girlfriend truly expects to be treated like a princess and Greg does anything for her like a small puppy dog. Bring her lunch, pick her up, take her shopping…is all in a day's activity for Greg.

Now, let's flash forward to Tiffany in her 30's….Greg will have dumped her (for another hot college co-ed probably)…and career girl Tiffany will no longer have Greg's eating out of the palm of her hand. The power will have shifted, and Greg "might" or "might not" have time to call her. She will grow desperate (insert ticking clock) she will offer up free sex in the hopes it will lead to a ring, but then Greg, who is now in the one in demand, suddenly says, 'You know, I think you're great, but you're not who I want to marry.' Sound familiar? Tiffany, you've lost the power no matter how hot you still are, and no matter how good you look on paper.

Here's a secret, one of my favorite shows to watch is "The Hills" (I know…very MTV of me). Right now, you see these hot women, dating the "hot" guys and having a blast every night on the town. They are seemingly in control having the time of their lives and an endless line of men at every club, diner, beach and BBQ. I would LOVE for VH1 to create a show when these girls are in their 30's (ah hem…5 years from now) and see the shift of power. Trust me, for all their musings of "you look totally hot in that bikini"…they won't have the power. I think Heidi Montag will actually look like she's learned something from dating and marrying jerk Spencer, but at least she got married. Actually, I can already see the shift starting to happen. Brody Jenner can get plenty of tail (sorry Kristin)…and he's just "casting" his own spinoff of ex girlfriends (all hot playboy bunnies in their 20's I might add) every time the group hits the town. Fact is, 25 year old Kristin, Adriana and Lauren have already been deemed "too old" from well-aged Brody.

So ladies of all ages, take note.

In our 20's we love the way men follow us around. Buy us flowers, pay for dinners with their crappy salaries…treat us like the queens we've always been told we are. And we women…treat the men like shit. Sometimes, those guys propose…and we say yes. We look beyond the thralls of admirers and decide. "yeah, you'll do" even though there is a line out the door of better suitors.

For those of us who don't marry our 20-something boyfriends…..Then our 30's hit. We start to get desperate. The balance of power has suddenly shifted…yet no one really told us about the shift. He stops buying us flowers. He doesn't take us out to dinner (he's now saving for his 401k). And he's in control and we desperately say "yes" to anything he wants because…we've given him total control. We start to TiVo Oprah and muse to our girlfriends that we are smart career girls and men are shit.

Think of this: Men want to get married as much as women do. 20's, 30's, 40's…it's the balance of power that seems to get in the way.

So here's some things to ponder.

20's – he loves you…you have the power. Do you want him? Does he have potential? Any sort of sign that this is true. Hold on to him….and get that ring….

30's – He's looking at girls in their 20's. You've lost control. That said…if dating, he doesn't want to give up the "perks" of the relationship. So use the "perks" to get the ring. Got it. Hold out. Don't give it too easy.

40's – Time to regain control. You know what to do in the bedroom. Do it, and do it often. If satisfied…ask for the ring (or even propose to him…why not?) Or simply, have great sex for a couple months then, move on cougar. You've done your deed.

Bottom line: Learn the balance of power. As you get older, he will and does, trade you in for someone younger and hotter. Older ladies, think "Samantha Jones" get what you want from him and do not shed a tear. Make him want you (again) and shift that power back into your control.

I told you I'd be honest here.

 

An Education

Once on a girls weekend, my friend Katie blurted out that one her requirements in a mate was a college degree. This rubbed a few of the women the wrong way. Another gals husband did "some" college, but was not a college graduate. "I wouldn't date him," was Katie's honest answer, even though we all love Pattie's husband. Why not?

And just the other night, I was out with some single gals at a wine bar and bing Naomi got a "wink" from a guy on match.com. We instantly sized up his profile. "Urgh, he did "some" college. No way," said Naomi. This was a serious deal breaker for her as well.

Ladies, should we narrow the field? What's wrong with guys sans diplomas?

"If he couldn't finish college, than it shows he doesn't have drive…" stated Naomi. "I need someone who can go toe to toe with me in a conversation."

How can you tell he can't go toe to toe with you in a conversation without even meeting him? How do you know he's not a self starter? Are you only interested in men in your field who can talk to you about your job? What about them? Don't you think you'll be smart enough to date someone who is interesting on his own? Wouldn't that get a bit boring if you only talked about yourself and your things?

So I asked Naomi, "How do you know without meeting someone whether or not they are interesting and can't carry on a conversation?"

"I've learned from experience. I've dated a lot of men, and I've tried to date men who did "some college" and they usually are intimidated by me."

Our other friend explained, out of Naomi's earshot, "she's a bit high maintenance."

You think?

Then I had lunch with my friend Rosemary yesterday whose husband did not graduate from college but played in the NFL. Would Naomi knock him off of her list? I don't think so….

But it brought up something to me. Over the years, I've dated men who went to college and men who made their wealth by working their ways from the bottom up and never went to an institute of higher learning. I've dated teachers, lawyers, men in the medical field a variety pack of white collar jobs. I've also dated men in blue collared jobs: tradesmen, law enforcement, baristas; and then the artists….musicians, actors, writers as well. Each and every category has pluses and minuses.

An education is a great thing, but sometimes, it's not for all. I look back at my own college experience as hard to capsulate. It all started with figuring out what I want to be, then leaving the nest, moving to the big city, keeping myself on budget, my grades in good standing, working my part time job, as well as writing, producing and editing my student films, not to mention dating and have a social life..well…my education wasn't just about what I was learning in the lecture halls. It was about how to live, and learn how others lived.

But do I narrow the dating field to only educated men? The older I get I'm more interested in someone who is financially stable than their GPA in the early 20's. Do they have drive? Will they be good providers? Do they have hobbies? And of course, can we carry on a conversation? My questions now tend to be, "do you own or rent?" – not whether or not someone went to college.

If I skimmed out the men who only graduated college, I'd miss out on many men I dated and learned a great deal from. Sometimes it's okay to look at the other side of the coin, some men who didn't go to college might not be in serious debt (like the over-educated lawyer I dated…who was well into six figures in debt). Is their debt worth it so you can carry on a conversation?

Right?