Vision Boards

If you are like me, you have some sort of vision board with lots of cut out photos and word phrases pasted to poster board, tucked in the back of your closet collecting dust just waiting for the universe to absorb it and make it a reality.

It didn’t work, did it?

I read an article from Martha Beck awhile back where she stated that while we envision things, we need to put forth “truthful admonishments” we can actually get.

So the really hot guy holding two glasses of champagne, in front of a Mercedes on a secluded beach isn’t what I should be envisioning?

Apparently not. Rats.

Her point was everyone does their vision boards wrong. They have “dream boards” but these dreams couldn’t actually be realities.

But, but, but, no really, I’m envisioning a really hot guy, making me breakfast in bed –and I’m not kidding.

How does one really create the life they want with a vision board?

I decided to dig a bit deeper and invited my really cool, intuitive, friend Bekah over for a deep vision session to help me with my really attainable goal – a good boyfriend.

Bekah told me about a group she belonged to called “The Goal Group”. These goal seekers would come together and create vision boards and then they would quiz each other with a list of things to do to achieve them.

So, being snarky, I asked Bekah, what if someone put on their vision board something totally unattainable like winning the lottery. Bekah in her goal orientated mind, said to me, “we’ll, I’d tell you to actually buy some lottery tickets, maybe join a group who buys lots of lottery tickets, and maybe get a better job to afford all of your lottery ticket purchases, and don’t forget to take these purchases as a tax deduction.” I knew Bekah was smart, but really? That actually sounds about right.

So then Bekah and I started talking about men and dating and what we “envisioned” for ourselves. I know the guy on the white horse is not showing up anytime soon, but the attainable guy, who might not have the perfect ripped abs, but truly loves me, might be around the corner.

“Great, what are you going to do to meet him?” she said.

Tell everyone I’m still single. Look for this guy, and tell him I'm open for a relationship.

Bingo.

So you know what…I’ve done just that. And I’m not going to tell you right now if it’s worked, but I will let you know I’ve stopped online dating the masses to focus on my goals.

Vision board, goal list…it’s all tucked under my bed…and it’s working.

Now, if only magazines would have middle-aged men, few extra pounds in the mid-section, who have lots of love to give for me... to put on my board….well, then I might have something.

I’ll keep you posted.

HC

Saw It At The Movies

“The more you hide your feelings for someone, the more you fall for them.” @thenoteboook

I was sent this tweet by a recent date.

So I texted him, “What are you hiding?”

He didn’t respond to that. Typical.

The quote made me fondly remember those days on the playground when the boy you really liked you’d punch or mock in front of your peers. Indeed…we always had a crush on them…but we’d never tell them. The more you said “eyyyyh…he’s gross” the more we wrote in our journals (in private) how dreamy he actually was.

Recently my pre-teen niece came to visit me and we got to discuss…what else? Boys. I took her to see the film “One Day” (which I highly recommend bytheway…and yes, I also read the book.) My niece has had a crush on a boy for awhile now…and well…he’s just ‘not that into her’. After the film, we discussed the men in our lives. Her guy is a good “friend” of hers who only ever wants to be “her friend” and subsequently dates tons of other girls. So I told her he hasn’t figured out that the girl in front of him is a great catch. But he will…and it will probably be too late.

This is the same message played out in the film. These seemingly “best friendships” can last for years…and finally the guy clues in that his “friend” is actually perfect for him.

But how long do we need to sit around and wait for that to happen? And why do we hide our feelings? Why don’t we just tell guys we like them? Is it true that if we hide our feelings, we will fall harder for them?

I fondly remember telling a guy I’d been crushing on for months (could have been years) that I liked him. Sure I built up this reveal in my head that he would longingly look into my eyes and tell me that he loved me too. I didn’t get the answer I wanted. But you know what I did get? Peace! Sure it hurt, and we did remain friends (and are still friends to this day). But if I held my feelings in and pined for him any longer …wouldn’t I be frustrated? And wouldn’t I have closed myself to other potential dates? How long was I to hold my true feelings in?

Now this guy has gone on, got married and divorced, and together we have changed as people. Do I still have a crush on him? I will not lie…if he came back into my life on a romantic level, I’d be very tempted. But I also figure…he had his chance and he gave me his answer.

In a totally related tale, I had a friend call me up the other day to tell me that she was engaged. After I picked myself off the floor, I got down to business, who was this guy, and why haven’t I met him? Same story, they were friends in college, they held feelings for each other, but both were technically unavailable. Through the years they remained friends…blah, blah blah. On a recent “catch up phone call” my friend finally revealed to her male friend, “I had such a crush on you in college.” And bam. Couple months later, they are engaged. They both had held in their feelings, and once all was revealed they fell hard and fast in love.

Guess I should start holding my feelings in a bit more. But as a romance writer, that’s a little hard for me.

Such dilemmas.

Type Setting

I hate the question: “What’s your type?”

I honestly don’t know the answer. (Um…. breathing?)

I will admit, I try and be a bit vague in my blog...writing stuff like “my type is one that is into me.”

And then I got complaints: “You shouldn’t be so vague.” (Moi?)

So I have been digging a bit deeper. What attracts me? What do I want in a mate? And of course…what’s my type?

I’m a big believer in chemistry. You meet someone and you just sort of know. Of course, there are things down the line that they reveal and you learn more and more about their habits, both the good and the bad…but you know pretty early on if someone is going to be a match for you. So how do we quantify that as a “type”? And should we have a type?

If I had to narrow it down to the physical I’d say: bigger bear type guy; plus or minus 5 years from my age; good hygiene; and has a full set of teeth (you’d be amazed at how many guys don’t regularly go to the dentist).

For the emotional stuff: A listener (such a challenge I tell you); laughs often; surprisingly helpful (i.e. carries a case of books to my book signing, and then brings me coffee the way I like it); likes a challenge and enjoys figuring things out.

And then there is: Works in a job he likes (and doesn’t complain about it every five seconds); not a drug addict, not a criminal, likes his family…etc, etc.

Recently, I was looking through some profiles on an online dating site and ran across the profile of someone I dated a while back. So I gave his profile a read. I can see why we were matched. Based on his profile, we were perfect for each other. But here’s what he forgot to add: “Mr. X doesn’t really want to be in a relationship. He’s still bitter from his divorce and just wants sex every once in a while, and might occasionally take you out for a meal if he can make the time.”

So if online dating doesn’t work…I’m thinking of trying something new. Enter my sister.

A couple months ago my sis told me that she is “putting together a team” to find her a good man. Her thought was maybe her friends know the secret formula since she can’t seem to find Mr. Right on her own. So off she went and was set up on a number of blind dates. The first guy “her team” introduced her to was a nudist (and he wanted their first date to be at a nudist colony…ah awkward!). But my sis went on the date (fully clothed) and it wasn’t a good fit. They were just too different. (Oh really? Um…Trust me, he needs to wear some shorts to family Sunday dinner. This much I know.)

Next she was set up with a professional pilot who had a yacht. (Sounds good, right?) BUT…there was a divide. The pilot/yacht owner was 12 years older than my sis, and it was a decade of difference. Diverse musical tastes, different stages of their careers, and then he said “I’m too old for you.” (Apparently he dated lots of women who had lied about their age, but when my sister showed up looking her real age …he knew she wasn’t into him. And he was right.)

“I’m not giving up on my team,” my sister proclaimed, “but I am adding new members.” Good attitude sis. So I thought I too would put together my own team.

My Team: “What’s your type?”

Me: “You tell me.”

Oh god, what did I just do? I was vague again!!! But my friend Marcy was first out of the gate and after photo approval on both sides…my first date was set.

Mike* (not his real name) pre-date stats told to me via Marcy: Nice guy. Works in Finance. Divorced. One adult child. Lived in a house in a nice neighborhood. Check, check and check. “Okay, set me up.”

After our first date I learned: Lives with his brother (aka doesn’t pay rent); doesn’t talk with his kid (ever); works in finance for a car dealership…and he invaded my personal space in that touchy feely way all through dinner.

So what I thought was my type, clearly wasn’t. And I’ve learned…it’s hard to just go off photos (and Marcy.)

“I’ve got a great guy for you,” proclaimed another team member. This time I didn’t get a photo but was only told he was a writer. (If you are a regular reader of my blog…you know, I usually don’t date other creative types for fear, two creatives make a wrong.) I reluctantly went on the date.

And yes, it was one of the best dates of my life. Conversation for hours, fascinating guy, tons in common, oh and cute attractive and “my type” – what do you know?…it worked! (Or did it?)

After dating a while it’s always good to be realistic with what your type is and how it is ever changing. Tell your friends what you’re honestly looking for and be willing to be set up. (But, I will add: my type will be fully clothed on a first date.)

Bottom line: It’s okay to have a type…but its also nice to go “off type” because really you never know.

E-Manners

What happened to mailing a thank you? What happened to the courtesy phone calls? I know how archaic these things are. But I miss them. At first our communication was replaced by email, and now…all communication has been reduced to texts, pings, and blips.

In this age where there is some new platform popping up every six months that I have to manage – who has time to communicate with all of them? I could spend my days on twitter, facebook, scoville, foursquare, google+. Its nuts. Add dating to the mix…and you have a recipe for disaster.

I have had more than one guy I was dating break up with me via text. Were they afraid to call? An email too hard to compose? A text? It’s just too easy.

I have never been one of those people who go out and buy the latest electronic device right when they come out. After all, you are reading from the gal who once proclaimed that “if I got a cell phone it would make me too accessible. I’ll call people when I’m home and near a phone. Who needs to be that available?” Apparently I need to be “open” 24/7.
After I left my celebrity assistant position, I needed a detox from my cell phone. I’ll be available when I can be available.

Which brings me to my latest issue. Recently I went on a lovely five-hour drinks date. Nice guy, and thought we clicked, after all, we were out for five hours and he was interesting. I knew I had a busy schedule coming up so we were trying to plan our second date, but when we couldn’t figure out a date, I said “text me.”

Big mistake. During a texting frenzy, we had made plans for a Monday night date. On Sunday, he sent me a text that said, “Thinking of you ” – no question, no change of plans…but a nice “Thinking of you” with a smiley modicum.

That particular Sunday, I was babysitting for a friend whose husband had fallen ill and she needed to take him to the hospital. My date didn’t know this, but then I didn’t think I needed to respond to a “thinking of you” smiley face. I continued in “kid mode” and played a game of monopoly.

Two hours later, my date had sent me another message.

“I sent u a txt message earlier. Seems like your busy…on a Sunday night…playing the dating game. I get more attention from someone overseas than u. Sorry. Good luck, I’m going to pass on dinner tomorrow night. Hope your other guys r real 4 u.”

You’ve got to be kidding me? (Was my first reaction.) And then I got pissed. Did you ask me a question? Did you seek a response? No…you said you were “thinking of me”. Did you want a response of “um, busy with Monopoly and a seven year old”? And why did I need to respond at all?

There are plenty of times I forget my cellphone. Especially when I’m writing at the library for example. I can’t make phone calls at the library, and I need to focus on work. I’ll call/text back when I get in my car.

In this example, yes, it was a Sunday night, but really, who needs to be accessible all the time? Doctors? Maybe. But last time I checked…nothing is “life threatening” in my line of work. What if I was at a movie? I think it is utterly RUDE (with a capital R) to text in a movie theater.
Needless to say, I think I dodged a bullet with that guy. He did tell me he was sorry and that he thought that in this day and age of e-dating…people responded more frequently. And my bottom line is this… Don’t instantly judge someone by their lack of response. Don’t accuse them of having a full date card. Allow yourself to always have time for yourself and detox from electronics from time to time.

And… NEVER turn on your phone in a movie, live theater, reading or any type of live performance. I don’t care who you are dating.