Balance of Power

I have a friend Greg who is dating the hot model-college student Tiffany. (She's 21, goes to Pepperdine.) 26-year-old Greg is well…unemployed and sometimes works in production. He makes ends meet with odd jobs (helping people move) and working part time at his gym. He worships his hot girlfriend and is the envy of all his friends. The girlfriend truly expects to be treated like a princess and Greg does anything for her like a small puppy dog. Bring her lunch, pick her up, take her shopping…is all in a day's activity for Greg.

Now, let's flash forward to Tiffany in her 30's….Greg will have dumped her (for another hot college co-ed probably)…and career girl Tiffany will no longer have Greg's eating out of the palm of her hand. The power will have shifted, and Greg "might" or "might not" have time to call her. She will grow desperate (insert ticking clock) she will offer up free sex in the hopes it will lead to a ring, but then Greg, who is now in the one in demand, suddenly says, 'You know, I think you're great, but you're not who I want to marry.' Sound familiar? Tiffany, you've lost the power no matter how hot you still are, and no matter how good you look on paper.

Here's a secret, one of my favorite shows to watch is "The Hills" (I know…very MTV of me). Right now, you see these hot women, dating the "hot" guys and having a blast every night on the town. They are seemingly in control having the time of their lives and an endless line of men at every club, diner, beach and BBQ. I would LOVE for VH1 to create a show when these girls are in their 30's (ah hem…5 years from now) and see the shift of power. Trust me, for all their musings of "you look totally hot in that bikini"…they won't have the power. I think Heidi Montag will actually look like she's learned something from dating and marrying jerk Spencer, but at least she got married. Actually, I can already see the shift starting to happen. Brody Jenner can get plenty of tail (sorry Kristin)…and he's just "casting" his own spinoff of ex girlfriends (all hot playboy bunnies in their 20's I might add) every time the group hits the town. Fact is, 25 year old Kristin, Adriana and Lauren have already been deemed "too old" from well-aged Brody.

So ladies of all ages, take note.

In our 20's we love the way men follow us around. Buy us flowers, pay for dinners with their crappy salaries…treat us like the queens we've always been told we are. And we women…treat the men like shit. Sometimes, those guys propose…and we say yes. We look beyond the thralls of admirers and decide. "yeah, you'll do" even though there is a line out the door of better suitors.

For those of us who don't marry our 20-something boyfriends…..Then our 30's hit. We start to get desperate. The balance of power has suddenly shifted…yet no one really told us about the shift. He stops buying us flowers. He doesn't take us out to dinner (he's now saving for his 401k). And he's in control and we desperately say "yes" to anything he wants because…we've given him total control. We start to TiVo Oprah and muse to our girlfriends that we are smart career girls and men are shit.

Think of this: Men want to get married as much as women do. 20's, 30's, 40's…it's the balance of power that seems to get in the way.

So here's some things to ponder.

20's – he loves you…you have the power. Do you want him? Does he have potential? Any sort of sign that this is true. Hold on to him….and get that ring….

30's – He's looking at girls in their 20's. You've lost control. That said…if dating, he doesn't want to give up the "perks" of the relationship. So use the "perks" to get the ring. Got it. Hold out. Don't give it too easy.

40's – Time to regain control. You know what to do in the bedroom. Do it, and do it often. If satisfied…ask for the ring (or even propose to him…why not?) Or simply, have great sex for a couple months then, move on cougar. You've done your deed.

Bottom line: Learn the balance of power. As you get older, he will and does, trade you in for someone younger and hotter. Older ladies, think "Samantha Jones" get what you want from him and do not shed a tear. Make him want you (again) and shift that power back into your control.

I told you I'd be honest here.

 

An Education

Once on a girls weekend, my friend Katie blurted out that one her requirements in a mate was a college degree. This rubbed a few of the women the wrong way. Another gals husband did "some" college, but was not a college graduate. "I wouldn't date him," was Katie's honest answer, even though we all love Pattie's husband. Why not?

And just the other night, I was out with some single gals at a wine bar and bing Naomi got a "wink" from a guy on match.com. We instantly sized up his profile. "Urgh, he did "some" college. No way," said Naomi. This was a serious deal breaker for her as well.

Ladies, should we narrow the field? What's wrong with guys sans diplomas?

"If he couldn't finish college, than it shows he doesn't have drive…" stated Naomi. "I need someone who can go toe to toe with me in a conversation."

How can you tell he can't go toe to toe with you in a conversation without even meeting him? How do you know he's not a self starter? Are you only interested in men in your field who can talk to you about your job? What about them? Don't you think you'll be smart enough to date someone who is interesting on his own? Wouldn't that get a bit boring if you only talked about yourself and your things?

So I asked Naomi, "How do you know without meeting someone whether or not they are interesting and can't carry on a conversation?"

"I've learned from experience. I've dated a lot of men, and I've tried to date men who did "some college" and they usually are intimidated by me."

Our other friend explained, out of Naomi's earshot, "she's a bit high maintenance."

You think?

Then I had lunch with my friend Rosemary yesterday whose husband did not graduate from college but played in the NFL. Would Naomi knock him off of her list? I don't think so….

But it brought up something to me. Over the years, I've dated men who went to college and men who made their wealth by working their ways from the bottom up and never went to an institute of higher learning. I've dated teachers, lawyers, men in the medical field a variety pack of white collar jobs. I've also dated men in blue collared jobs: tradesmen, law enforcement, baristas; and then the artists….musicians, actors, writers as well. Each and every category has pluses and minuses.

An education is a great thing, but sometimes, it's not for all. I look back at my own college experience as hard to capsulate. It all started with figuring out what I want to be, then leaving the nest, moving to the big city, keeping myself on budget, my grades in good standing, working my part time job, as well as writing, producing and editing my student films, not to mention dating and have a social life..well…my education wasn't just about what I was learning in the lecture halls. It was about how to live, and learn how others lived.

But do I narrow the dating field to only educated men? The older I get I'm more interested in someone who is financially stable than their GPA in the early 20's. Do they have drive? Will they be good providers? Do they have hobbies? And of course, can we carry on a conversation? My questions now tend to be, "do you own or rent?" – not whether or not someone went to college.

If I skimmed out the men who only graduated college, I'd miss out on many men I dated and learned a great deal from. Sometimes it's okay to look at the other side of the coin, some men who didn't go to college might not be in serious debt (like the over-educated lawyer I dated…who was well into six figures in debt). Is their debt worth it so you can carry on a conversation?

Right?

 

 

The Force

"May the force be with you" -- Luke Skywalker
 

You walk into a party/bar/coffee shop/social gathering and scan the room. You see a guy, check to make sure he's not wearing a ring, and instantly size him up. He's cute? Or "bar cute"? Could he be the one? Is he husband material? Does he make a good living? Is he sensitive? Will he "get me"? Believe it or not, we intuitively have this instinct in us, passed down from the stone ages, will he be a good lover/provider/protector within three minutes of meeting someone.

I like to call it "The Force".

Okay, you could be a cynic like me…I do this with every viral man I meet. I will take the flaws, the beer gut, the "baggage" men carry around…but can you really know if he's "the one" within three minutes?

I had to dig deeper….
 Helen Fisher PhD says, that women typically regard rapid talkers as more educated and men with full voices as better looking than they are.

Ohmigod. She's right. Okay confession. I've been dating a rapid talker. Usually I'm a chatter box (shocking I know). So I opted to not be a big chatter on a recent date. Let him tell me all about himself. And you know what…I was instantly more attracted to him. Before him, I had a crush of "deep voice guy". (I told him he should go into voiceovers…because he has the sexiest voice on the planet…and I would listen to him read me the phonebook.) Totally intrigued by this Helen woman now…

She goes on to say that we basically form an opinion within the first three minutes and, we know pretty early on if we will say yes to date two. Helen says, that the "more you interact with a person you like (even slightly), the more you come to regard him as good looking, smart, and similar to you."

Now…okay I'm going back to quoting "Marry Him" by Lori Gottleib: "I can't make myself become attracted to someone…you have to feel it from the beginning. If you aren't physically attracted when you meet them, you're always forcing it and it never works."
 Right. But if you are mildly attracted to them…keep dating him. There might be something about those first three minutes and the force that pull you toward him….right?

So your next outing to a party/ bar/coffee shop/social gathering…let him do the talking…size him up and let me know your thoughts. Did you get a date? Did you say yes to date two? Or were you just not attracted to him?

Let's discuss….

Coupon Tom

My friend Sara is at a crossroads in her recent relationship. She has been dating Coupon Tom. It's what you're thinking. The guy who only takes her to places he has a coupon too. "It shows he's frugal, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, right?"
Right….I think… I had to dig deeper.
Sara's story started off by her telling me she rejected Coupon Tom's suggestion of Buca Di Beppo (he had a "buy one entrée, get the second one free" coupon, of course). "It just wasn't romantic. That's more of a family style restaurant and I didn't want to be sucked into it, just because he had a coupon." Sara then suggested The Chart House for appetizers and drinks instead. (Good move.) But her story didn't end there. While dining at the lovely Chart House, Coupon Tom was sucked into their "rewards program" to get future coupons. Say What?
Houston we have a problem. Coupon Tom is addicted to…well…coupons.
Look, I'm all about the coupons. I use them personally. And in fact, I have ads and coupons on this website for you all to save some money (and please use them…that includes you Coupon Tom!) If a date made a suggestion of a restaurant and then used a coupon, I would have no issue. But if he only suggested restaurants with coupons or rewards programs, well, then that's a little tacky.
We can face facts, in this day and age, we are all trying to save money. I have rewards programs tied to my credit card and I use my "rewards points" toward travel and hotel rooms…does that make me cheap too? I don't think so.
Let me fill you in here. Celebrities…they love free stuff and coupons. The "swag bags"; gifting suites, free invitations to all those great parties (where laymen have to pay hundreds or sometimes thousands of dollars to attend) not to mention the perks at restaurants, bars and the free concert tickets. They get a plethora of freebies. And that's why they show up. And the events/restaurants get to say "Leonardo DiCaprio showed up at my event!" -- it's a win-win situation. They get the notoriety and the celebrity gets something for free.
I have a friend who is a private chef who once said to me, "rich people are cheap" and you know what…he's right. So let's all take pause here. While Coupon Tom only uses coupons, he probably drives a nice car, owns a house, and dresses well. "He does!" exclaims Sara. So while he might not be spending money on her right now, as she asserts herself into new suggestions and different restaurants, take the "rewards programs" and allow him to wine and dine you for more nights out but if he can't break away from only using coupons, you might need to tell him, "I'm not a two-for-one" and move on.
One of my favorite sites is Groupon.com: Here's a link: http://www.groupon.com/r/uu3755405
For my friends with kids: Here's a printable coupon for Buca di Beppo: http://www.bucadibeppo.com/pdf/CouponNational.pdf
Oh and hey Sara, I put up a coupon for Match.com (on the left banner).... You can either use it yourself or give it to Coupon Tom when you dump him J
HC