Dating in La La Land

The Sex-Texter

2012-01-25T20:24:00.000-08:00

Have you ever dated a Sex-texter? You know, the guy who likes to only send you dirty messages? (And I’m not talking about dirty pictures…just words…in a text.)
I’ve been down the path with several sex-texters in my dating life…and at first I was turned off. (Scary, creepy, pervert, yucky.) But what I’ve learned is…most guys like a little sex-texting. (Stay with me here.)
Usually I’ve preferred my written sex text in a romance novel. The build up, the pages and pages of throbbing body parts, the tension, the pressure, the trembling feeling they had never had before. It’s all just fantastic to read before bedtime.
My girls in my book club suggested I read a historical romance called The Captain of All Pleasuresfor the pinnacle of romance writing…and well…swashbuckling cheesiness aside…it was a fun read. (Especially when I would read passages aloud to my boyfriend in bed). I would giggle as I read the bodice ripper and he’d roll his eyes at me thinking I enjoyed the drama of it all. (I’m currently devouring Fifty Shades of Grey…um… love it.)
Which brings me back to sex-texting. I’ve never thought it was that sexy.
Now that I’ve been living with my boyfriend for awhile, I’ve learned…he thinks about sex quite a lot. And as a woman, I personally… don’t. Women like the drama. If we want it, we seek it out, but if not in the mood, we can roll over, fall asleep…or rather pretend to be asleep.
But when I boiled it down…my boyfriend doesn’t want five pages of drawn out sex talk…he wants two lines of sex-texting.
I polled my friends and I got every answer:
“Gross”
“Sexy”
“Serial killer”
“How long have you known him?”
So I ask: Is sex-texting a turn on or a turn off? Afterall, there are two people doing the sex-texting…. It’s not just him. I participate too…and if I’m having weird feelings, does he have them about me too? Am I slutty for sex texting?
I was somewhat reluctant to talk to my sister about this topic. Was I actually embarrassed? But is it normal to “sex-text” your man?
Her response was priceless: “All guys need a little sex-texting.”
She was curt and to the point. He wasn’t a serial killer, he wasn’t a pervert, he was a guy…and “guys like to talk about sex and don’t want a timid shy girl they have to talk into sex every time they are ready…and let’s face facts, guys are pretty ready all the time.”
Really? It’s not weird? “Not at all.” – Eureka. My sister had been sex-texting with her man too. Whew. I wasn’t the only one!
My sister protected sex-texting men stating, “He’s just trying to see if she’ll be the type of girl who will have sex with him down the line. Sex-texters are not weird, they’re guys.”
My girlfriends weren’t so convinced. “….this totally creeps out,” was the generic response.
So my unscientific bottom line: If you are the type of person who is not comfortable with their sexuality and sensual self. Well…then sex-texting is going to be an issue. There needs to be a balance. If you are afraid/timid to talk about sex, then sex-texting is not for you. Sometimes it might be too pre-mature to jump into the sex-texting with a guy you’ve only known for a short while, but ultimately you have to feel comfortable with men to sex-text with them. Personally, I found my first Sex-texter generally normal and well…dare I say, sexy. So why not see if he’ll be a good partner down the line by a little pre-sex-texting session? And think to yourself, do you want a timid lover?

Dear Santa

2011-12-23T13:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

Well you’ve done good.

While last year I asked for a man to be wrapped and placed under my tree…I realize it took you a bit longer to send him to me. I knew it when I met him that he was your belated gift because one of our first dates was…where else? Under a tree in a forest wrapped up in many blankets.

So I have to say thank you Santa. You sent me the person I have been looking for. He’s not annoyed that I write about men and dates…(in fact, I think he kinda enjoys it.) When I took him to Tiffany’s…he made a purchase in an instant. No doe eyes, no looking at him longingly. He just did it. (I know Santa…where did you find him? I’m assuming Mrs. Claus had something to do with it…after all, I have learned from her…a way to a man’s heart is always through a plate of cookies.)

But honestly Santa…I think the reason this relationship is working is because this man can make me laugh at pretty much anything. (If not, I’m usually just laughing at myself.) But even when we have arguments, we discuss things like adults, admit our faults and nagging ways, and move through all conflict resolution like adults…(maybe I really did need all that time.)

You gave me hope, Santa. You let me find happiness even when I started to doubt the process. (But I will say…dating lots of different people has inspired so many stories for my novels!)

So Santa, this year I’ll tell you what I would like….I’d like you to spread the love and set up a couple friends of mine. I have been very good (I know you have been watching) and I think my friends deserve love too. So wrap up a couple of well mannered men and stick them under their trees, and if they aren’t there on Christmas morning…I’ll tell them to do some tree hugging.

Because it worked for me.

So Santa, I will see you bright and early Saturday night while I share a cozy fireplace moment with my BF. Then you can come down the chimney, we’ll share a mocha, and chat about who has been naughty and nice -- Maybe partake in a glass of sherry before you take off for the night. Then my Stud Muffin and I will look up into the sky and see your flickering sleigh ride across our night sky…and we will reflect at how truly we lucky to have found each other.

Thank you again Santa… You’re the best. And MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Love,

Heidi

Street Walking (And not like that..head out of gutter please.)

2011-12-07T17:21:00.000-08:00

I’m usually not the one to wake up early on a Sunday, don my walking shoes, and hit the cold streets of Hollywood…but on Sunday, December 4th, I joined KCET (a local Los Angeles Community based TV Station) viewers on the Art Deco Tour of Hollywood as part of their new program “The SoCal Adventure” (formally called, “That Something Special”).

My M.O. in Hollywood is usually sipping drinks at swanky bars, but on this particular morning, I was looking at the outside of one of my favorite eateries Beso (Hi Eva Longoria), in a whole new light…as a preservationist, as a student of architecture…and quite frankly, as a tourist in my home town.

It was a lively bunch as our host, John Thomas, the President of the Art Deco Society, had us zig zaging the streets, learning new terms like “chervons”; “sunbursts” and “flora” motifs. We were asked to look for “water spouts” and “Egyptian influences.” We learned about the design moderne style (that would be Beso’s look) and we walked past well preserved store fronts, and those that had been abandoned for some time and needed some serious TLC.

A highlight was looking at the Wilcox Library which had just received a fresh coat of paint, and of course, the Egyptian theater which is now run by American Cinematheque which has a great calendar of events coming up. http://www.americancinematheque.com/

But most importantly, at this time of year when my feet are usually sore from my mall haul, I was glad to participate in something a bit more cultural, hang with freinds, and get a new view of Hollywood…or maybe not new, but I’m able to view it with new eyes or appreciation. As I drove away from Hollywood, I sat at a light in front of the famous Wiltern Theater (at Wilshire and Western) and wouldn't you know what was looking back at me? Sunbursts, water fountain motifs...and lots of lots of chevrons. I secretly chuckled to myself...the art deco influences were all around me and I never even stopped to notice them before.

For more information on the Art Deco Society of Los Angeles: adsla.org

For more information on KCET…visit KCET.org

Stay tuned…I’m heading to more events soon.

Wilcox Library

Out in front of the Pantages Theater

Hollywood and Vine...Apartment Building in the Art Deco Style

Looking up at the sights.

Our guide John Thomas

Dog People

2011-10-09T20:56:00.000-07:00

I know I’m going to offend a few friends here….but let me tell you something. Many of you aren’t opening your eyes. You are wagging your tails.

I have more than one girlfriend who for some reason or another decided to get a dog in their mid-30’s. Once this happened, they stopped dating men, and started dating their dog. They were no longer available to go to dinner or drinks, suddenly, they had to go home and be with their pooch.

Just the other night, a bunch of friends were planning to get together because our friend Chris was visiting from New York. One friend Tessa had just adopted a new puppy. When the other women saw Chris at the wine bar, we asked “where is Tessa?” It didn’t take long for us all to bring up the stories of fellow girlfriends who went down the doggie path.

Now I have tons of girlfriends who wax poetically about how they get out more and our social because of their dogs. (They even make “dates” at the dog park.) That’s wonderful, but how many events have you cancelled because you have to run home to Fido, when you could potentially have been set up, met, or bumped into a potential date? (And I’m not going to ask you how many dates you’ve cancelled, when you had dates, because you know the answer.)

I’ve even had friends lose their jobs and get dogs, and now think, “I can’t possibly get a job, what will Rex do all day?” (Answer: lay around, sleep, and wait for you to come home.)

Single girls – listen to me – think before you get a dog. Sure they give you unconditional love. Sure, they are cute, cuddle, keep you warm at night and they “listen to you”. Now think about how many times you have used them as your excuse not to go somewhere? Can’t do that weekender to Vegas because you have Spot.

Yep…it’s hindering you and your dating life.

Now, I am not a dog hater. I love dogs. When my dad died, my mom got a dog. Best companion of her life. I’ve been a “step parent” to many pooches and I always include my friends dogs when I’m addressing Christmas cards. It’s the single girls who think they are always available, but can’t hear themselves state how many times they have used the “got to get home to feed/walk the dog” excuse.

It’s a problem.

I’m not stating for you to send your dog to a shelter, I’m asking you to make better arrangements. Find a neighbor to feed your pet when you get the last minute invite to watch Monday night football. Or hell, if “he” calls. Stop using the dog excuse.

If you are single and thinking about getting a dog, this is your warning…your friends will get very resentful toward your cute cuddly furball if you start choosing the dog before them. Not to mention, you will not be as available for dating.

Now if you are the age of my mother, fine, get a dog…they are loving companions and I know she doesn’t want to get married or is even thinking about going on a date. But even my mother has a back up plan when she gets the last minute invite (she calls my brother).

But you ladies in your 20’s; 30’s and beyond…unless you have back-up help…woof woof.

What would you rather have in your bed every night?

(And no this rule doesn’t apply to cats…because cat owners know, you can leave a cat home alone for a weekend with food, water and a litter box.)

Vision Boards

2011-09-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

If you are like me, you have some sort of vision board with lots of cut out photos and word phrases pasted to poster board, tucked in the back of your closet collecting dust just waiting for the universe to absorb it and make it a reality.

It didn’t work, did it?

I read an article from Martha Beck awhile back where she stated that while we envision things, we need to put forth “truthful admonishments” we can actually get.

So the really hot guy holding two glasses of champagne, in front of a Mercedes on a secluded beach isn’t what I should be envisioning?

Apparently not. Rats.

Her point was everyone does their vision boards wrong. They have “dream boards” but these dreams couldn’t actually be realities.

But, but, but, no really, I’m envisioning a really hot guy, making me breakfast in bed –and I’m not kidding.

How does one really create the life they want with a vision board?

I decided to dig a bit deeper and invited my really cool, intuitive, friend Bekah over for a deep vision session to help me with my really attainable goal – a good boyfriend.

Bekah told me about a group she belonged to called “The Goal Group”. These goal seekers would come together and create vision boards and then they would quiz each other with a list of things to do to achieve them.

So, being snarky, I asked Bekah, what if someone put on their vision board something totally unattainable like winning the lottery. Bekah in her goal orientated mind, said to me, “we’ll, I’d tell you to actually buy some lottery tickets, maybe join a group who buys lots of lottery tickets, and maybe get a better job to afford all of your lottery ticket purchases, and don’t forget to take these purchases as a tax deduction.” I knew Bekah was smart, but really? That actually sounds about right.

So then Bekah and I started talking about men and dating and what we “envisioned” for ourselves. I know the guy on the white horse is not showing up anytime soon, but the attainable guy, who might not have the perfect ripped abs, but truly loves me, might be around the corner.

“Great, what are you going to do to meet him?” she said.

Tell everyone I’m still single. Look for this guy, and tell him I'm open for a relationship.

Bingo.

So you know what…I’ve done just that. And I’m not going to tell you right now if it’s worked, but I will let you know I’ve stopped online dating the masses to focus on my goals.

Vision board, goal list…it’s all tucked under my bed…and it’s working.

Now, if only magazines would have middle-aged men, few extra pounds in the mid-section, who have lots of love to give for me... to put on my board….well, then I might have something.

I’ll keep you posted.

HC

Saw It At The Movies

2011-09-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

“The more you hide your feelings for someone, the more you fall for them.” @thenoteboook

I was sent this tweet by a recent date.

So I texted him, “What are you hiding?”

He didn’t respond to that. Typical.

The quote made me fondly remember those days on the playground when the boy you really liked you’d punch or mock in front of your peers. Indeed…we always had a crush on them…but we’d never tell them. The more you said “eyyyyh…he’s gross” the more we wrote in our journals (in private) how dreamy he actually was.

Recently my pre-teen niece came to visit me and we got to discuss…what else? Boys. I took her to see the film “One Day” (which I highly recommend bytheway…and yes, I also read the book.) My niece has had a crush on a boy for awhile now…and well…he’s just ‘not that into her’. After the film, we discussed the men in our lives. Her guy is a good “friend” of hers who only ever wants to be “her friend” and subsequently dates tons of other girls. So I told her he hasn’t figured out that the girl in front of him is a great catch. But he will…and it will probably be too late.

This is the same message played out in the film. These seemingly “best friendships” can last for years…and finally the guy clues in that his “friend” is actually perfect for him.

But how long do we need to sit around and wait for that to happen? And why do we hide our feelings? Why don’t we just tell guys we like them? Is it true that if we hide our feelings, we will fall harder for them?

I fondly remember telling a guy I’d been crushing on for months (could have been years) that I liked him. Sure I built up this reveal in my head that he would longingly look into my eyes and tell me that he loved me too. I didn’t get the answer I wanted. But you know what I did get? Peace! Sure it hurt, and we did remain friends (and are still friends to this day). But if I held my feelings in and pined for him any longer …wouldn’t I be frustrated? And wouldn’t I have closed myself to other potential dates? How long was I to hold my true feelings in?

Now this guy has gone on, got married and divorced, and together we have changed as people. Do I still have a crush on him? I will not lie…if he came back into my life on a romantic level, I’d be very tempted. But I also figure…he had his chance and he gave me his answer.

In a totally related tale, I had a friend call me up the other day to tell me that she was engaged. After I picked myself off the floor, I got down to business, who was this guy, and why haven’t I met him? Same story, they were friends in college, they held feelings for each other, but both were technically unavailable. Through the years they remained friends…blah, blah blah. On a recent “catch up phone call” my friend finally revealed to her male friend, “I had such a crush on you in college.” And bam. Couple months later, they are engaged. They both had held in their feelings, and once all was revealed they fell hard and fast in love.

Guess I should start holding my feelings in a bit more. But as a romance writer, that’s a little hard for me.

Such dilemmas.

Type Setting

2011-08-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

I hate the question: “What’s your type?”

I honestly don’t know the answer. (Um…. breathing?)

I will admit, I try and be a bit vague in my blog...writing stuff like “my type is one that is into me.”

And then I got complaints: “You shouldn’t be so vague.” (Moi?)

So I have been digging a bit deeper. What attracts me? What do I want in a mate? And of course…what’s my type?

I’m a big believer in chemistry. You meet someone and you just sort of know. Of course, there are things down the line that they reveal and you learn more and more about their habits, both the good and the bad…but you know pretty early on if someone is going to be a match for you. So how do we quantify that as a “type”? And should we have a type?

If I had to narrow it down to the physical I’d say: bigger bear type guy; plus or minus 5 years from my age; good hygiene; and has a full set of teeth (you’d be amazed at how many guys don’t regularly go to the dentist).

For the emotional stuff: A listener (such a challenge I tell you); laughs often; surprisingly helpful (i.e. carries a case of books to my book signing, and then brings me coffee the way I like it); likes a challenge and enjoys figuring things out.

And then there is: Works in a job he likes (and doesn’t complain about it every five seconds); not a drug addict, not a criminal, likes his family…etc, etc.

Recently, I was looking through some profiles on an online dating site and ran across the profile of someone I dated a while back. So I gave his profile a read. I can see why we were matched. Based on his profile, we were perfect for each other. But here’s what he forgot to add: “Mr. X doesn’t really want to be in a relationship. He’s still bitter from his divorce and just wants sex every once in a while, and might occasionally take you out for a meal if he can make the time.”

So if online dating doesn’t work…I’m thinking of trying something new. Enter my sister.

A couple months ago my sis told me that she is “putting together a team” to find her a good man. Her thought was maybe her friends know the secret formula since she can’t seem to find Mr. Right on her own. So off she went and was set up on a number of blind dates. The first guy “her team” introduced her to was a nudist (and he wanted their first date to be at a nudist colony…ah awkward!). But my sis went on the date (fully clothed) and it wasn’t a good fit. They were just too different. (Oh really? Um…Trust me, he needs to wear some shorts to family Sunday dinner. This much I know.)

Next she was set up with a professional pilot who had a yacht. (Sounds good, right?) BUT…there was a divide. The pilot/yacht owner was 12 years older than my sis, and it was a decade of difference. Diverse musical tastes, different stages of their careers, and then he said “I’m too old for you.” (Apparently he dated lots of women who had lied about their age, but when my sister showed up looking her real age …he knew she wasn’t into him. And he was right.)

“I’m not giving up on my team,” my sister proclaimed, “but I am adding new members.” Good attitude sis. So I thought I too would put together my own team.

My Team: “What’s your type?”

Me: “You tell me.”

Oh god, what did I just do? I was vague again!!! But my friend Marcy was first out of the gate and after photo approval on both sides…my first date was set.

Mike* (not his real name) pre-date stats told to me via Marcy: Nice guy. Works in Finance. Divorced. One adult child. Lived in a house in a nice neighborhood. Check, check and check. “Okay, set me up.”

After our first date I learned: Lives with his brother (aka doesn’t pay rent); doesn’t talk with his kid (ever); works in finance for a car dealership…and he invaded my personal space in that touchy feely way all through dinner.

So what I thought was my type, clearly wasn’t. And I’ve learned…it’s hard to just go off photos (and Marcy.)

“I’ve got a great guy for you,” proclaimed another team member. This time I didn’t get a photo but was only told he was a writer. (If you are a regular reader of my blog…you know, I usually don’t date other creative types for fear, two creatives make a wrong.) I reluctantly went on the date.

And yes, it was one of the best dates of my life. Conversation for hours, fascinating guy, tons in common, oh and cute attractive and “my type” – what do you know?…it worked! (Or did it?)

After dating a while it’s always good to be realistic with what your type is and how it is ever changing. Tell your friends what you’re honestly looking for and be willing to be set up. (But, I will add: my type will be fully clothed on a first date.)

Bottom line: It’s okay to have a type…but its also nice to go “off type” because really you never know.

E-Manners

2011-07-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

What happened to mailing a thank you? What happened to the courtesy phone calls? I know how archaic these things are. But I miss them. At first our communication was replaced by email, and now…all communication has been reduced to texts, pings, and blips.

In this age where there is some new platform popping up every six months that I have to manage – who has time to communicate with all of them? I could spend my days on twitter, facebook, scoville, foursquare, google+. Its nuts. Add dating to the mix…and you have a recipe for disaster.

I have had more than one guy I was dating break up with me via text. Were they afraid to call? An email too hard to compose? A text? It’s just too easy.

I have never been one of those people who go out and buy the latest electronic device right when they come out. After all, you are reading from the gal who once proclaimed that “if I got a cell phone it would make me too accessible. I’ll call people when I’m home and near a phone. Who needs to be that available?” Apparently I need to be “open” 24/7.
After I left my celebrity assistant position, I needed a detox from my cell phone. I’ll be available when I can be available.

Which brings me to my latest issue. Recently I went on a lovely five-hour drinks date. Nice guy, and thought we clicked, after all, we were out for five hours and he was interesting. I knew I had a busy schedule coming up so we were trying to plan our second date, but when we couldn’t figure out a date, I said “text me.”

Big mistake. During a texting frenzy, we had made plans for a Monday night date. On Sunday, he sent me a text that said, “Thinking of you ” – no question, no change of plans…but a nice “Thinking of you” with a smiley modicum.

That particular Sunday, I was babysitting for a friend whose husband had fallen ill and she needed to take him to the hospital. My date didn’t know this, but then I didn’t think I needed to respond to a “thinking of you” smiley face. I continued in “kid mode” and played a game of monopoly.

Two hours later, my date had sent me another message.

“I sent u a txt message earlier. Seems like your busy…on a Sunday night…playing the dating game. I get more attention from someone overseas than u. Sorry. Good luck, I’m going to pass on dinner tomorrow night. Hope your other guys r real 4 u.”

You’ve got to be kidding me? (Was my first reaction.) And then I got pissed. Did you ask me a question? Did you seek a response? No…you said you were “thinking of me”. Did you want a response of “um, busy with Monopoly and a seven year old”? And why did I need to respond at all?

There are plenty of times I forget my cellphone. Especially when I’m writing at the library for example. I can’t make phone calls at the library, and I need to focus on work. I’ll call/text back when I get in my car.

In this example, yes, it was a Sunday night, but really, who needs to be accessible all the time? Doctors? Maybe. But last time I checked…nothing is “life threatening” in my line of work. What if I was at a movie? I think it is utterly RUDE (with a capital R) to text in a movie theater.
Needless to say, I think I dodged a bullet with that guy. He did tell me he was sorry and that he thought that in this day and age of e-dating…people responded more frequently. And my bottom line is this… Don’t instantly judge someone by their lack of response. Don’t accuse them of having a full date card. Allow yourself to always have time for yourself and detox from electronics from time to time.

And… NEVER turn on your phone in a movie, live theater, reading or any type of live performance. I don’t care who you are dating.

The Sleeper

2011-07-11T20:25:00.000-07:00

Ever been with a control freak? (Yeah, I usually don’t give them a second date either….but) What if he was a “sleeper” creep?

Not long ago I went out with a seemingly normal guy. His details: Well mannered, good job, home owner, divorced, had a dog…. I interpret these things as: loves mom, not cheap, knows about investments, broken in, and capable of love.

What I soon learned was, he wanted full control. (How do I tell him “No one puts Heidi in a corner?” Clearly…he’s not reading my blog.)

I was introduced to The Sleeper from a friend of mine so I could always ask her the important questions when something would arise. First issue happened on our first date. We went to a The Hungry Cat, a lovely restaurant in Hollywood. It’s exactly what you’d expect. He was trying to impress me with his culinary knowledge (little did he know I have produced shows for The Food Network, and I knew the chef Suzanne Goin) but of course he wanted to order for me. “We’ll start with the caviar, and then have the salad of baby lettuces, then the Alaskan Halibut …” He ordered the most expensive things, which isn’t what I would have ordered if allowed…I was kinda eye-ing the burger. But he insisted… “You will love it Heidi!” Whatever!

Conversation flowed the first date (as it should) …What do you do? Why are you single? How long have you been in LA? Blah blah blah.

I will admit, I was charmed. His answers were on par with what I liked, and he was interesting. So I put the “ordering for me” on the back burner.

Then he took me to a basketball game, my second ever Laker game. Pointing out players, telling me moves, and where guys went to college… blah blah blah. Again, fine date and a good game.

We did this for a few more dates, and then I opted to invite him up to my place. Now I was in control. He was on my turf. With options of chicken, beef and seafood stacked in my fridge as well as a plethora of fresh veggies I picked up from local farm stands, I was prepared to impress him with my culinary knowledge…for once.

No joke: he walked in and said “I went on Yelp and found five different restaurants I’d like to try…what are you in the mood for?” I was deflated but went for seafood (and I knew his days were numbered.)

I phoned my friend the next day, “Isn’t he great?” she boasted through the phone.

“Yes…exactly what I’m looking for…” except, he does everything for me and treats me like he’s known me for years. We’ve only been on a couple dates.

One thing I always tell my dates is… I have mastered the art of being single, but I need some help with being a couple. So bear with me…I’m new at relationships. I told this to The Sleeper, but I don’t think he really listened to that. He was too busy planning our next date and the date after that. Wild locations, new restaurants, museums, movies to see, urgh. Here me…I want to get to know you…not visit the latest five starred reviews on Yelp.

We were at The Ahmanson House off Pacific Coast Hwy when I finally blurted out that I wanted to meet his dog. “That’s too personal,” he told me. Say what? It’s a dog. And who was I? Chopped liver you just wanted to wine and dine all over town? Clue number two…he didn’t want me in his personal space.

My date was fine when I was out at nice restaurants and he could show me a good time, but allow him to see his personal side and he shut up as tight as a clam shell. Then he asked me, “do you always want to work? What if you had kids?” Ah yes, the kid question. I love writing, I love blogging, writing is in my soul…tell me I can’t write, would be a horror…afterall I can do it anywhere at anytime…I don’t need a desk job to work.

So I answered fairly and honestly, “I will always be a writer even if have children.”

Well…you would have thought hell froze over.

“I don’t want the mother of my children to have work stress.” In my head I’m thinking, and you make how much? What part of…I work for myself and have flexible hours do you not understand?

Then as he ordered my coffee drink for me, I started to piece it all together…I am with a control freak. It wasn’t that obvious at first, but he definitely wanted to fit me in his box.

And again, no one puts Heidi in a corner.

We broke up a week later.

Turf War

2011-06-29T18:34:00.000-07:00

Ever walked in a bar and been given the evil eye?

I was told about a bar in Palm Springs, not for its chic cool hipster vibe (you can get that at The Parker) I was told I must go to this bar because of the serious old lady turf war going on. My friend explained to me that it was stuck in the rat pack heyday yet everyone was now eighty and these women circle any male meat that walked in the door.

I couldn’t wait to go.

My sister and her friend *Karen joined me. Now, Karen likes her men a bit older, I will not lie, she’s a beautiful blonde in her um, let’s say late forties, and works as a massage therapist. My sister “the best damn real estate agent ever” was on a rebound, and me, well…I’m always looking for a man.

Palm Springs has its own sense of style. It’s not all khakis and top siders from the Hamptons, nor is it bohemian of say Malibu, or bling-ed out tight t-shirts and designer everything of the OC. Palm Springs residents wear golf clothing and flip flops…year round (unless you are gay…then everything is bright and extra fabulous.) Please note: they also have the best Chicos, Ann Taylor, Talbots, Izod, Coldwater Creek shops one will ever visit.

We were doomed from the outset as we all wore low cut, tight fitting dresses/pants, and heels.

The three of us walked into The Nest as if we were starting a new girl group (I’m channeling Beyonce here folks). And then it happened. The stare down.

Now, let me describe The Nest. It was last decorated circa 1973; smells of stale beer and sweet and sour mix; and has the same bar stools my parents purchased (in 1973). The walls were covered with dark paneling (of course) with low hung lighting fixtures covered in soot from the days when Californians could smoke inside. The tunes were a mix of Tom Jones to Def Leopard (which I’ll admit sort of threw me). The staff were aptly named Bob and Ethel…and the patrons. Oh let’s see…

First, when we walked in, the men all turned their um, wheel chairs, and set their eyes on us. No one was under the age of seventy. And we were the new girls in town. Vroom vroom. Those walkers started heading right for us and I’m sure would have pinch my ass had given the chance. (Yeah Grandpa…that worked in the 60’s…today its called harassment.) The women…well there was Three Week Old Beehive; Making New Lips from Lip Liner; and Walking Stick Shoved Up Her Ass in one corner. In the other was One Step Away from Tracheotomy; Leatherface; and I Go Bunco for Bunco. At the bar sat: Bad Face Lift Circa 1985; Muffin Top in Pajama Jeans.

All eyes beaming on us and not in a good way. Oh crap.

Now, I’m not the type to boast and say I was hot shit at a bar or anything, but with this crowd, we were frickin hot, and this was going to be a riot, “You need help with your oxygen tank honey” – yeah, game on bitches.

We (I’m now calling us Destiny’s Child) get a table and Karen gives a low bend showing her strong toned legs, and ability to dab droll from many angles. Then we wait and wait and wait and wouldn’t you know…we don’t get any service. Apparently Ethel and Bob have a “no tart” policy and want to keep the regular gals in the sticky stools.

From across the bar we get a couple questions tossed at as, “Where you girls from?” and the like from the male geezer crowd. With a couple of batted eyelashes we let them know we “just moved here” – a lie…but so much more fun. My sis finally has to get up and head over to the bar to order up vodka-tonics with orange twists because Bob and Ethel aren’t about to budge to serve us. Beehive instantly sizes sis up and makes a few remarks to her other bridge partners. Unfortunately, I don’t think Leatherface or Facelift could hear her try and make fun of us. Honey our clothes are from boutique shops off Melrose…not in an air conditioned mall.

We were only at The Nest for our one drink and had a lovely chat with some of the gentlemen. But it was the look on the women’s faces as we entered on their turf that was priceless.

Oh and while I’d like to say Karen ran off with 2nd Pacemaker and lived happily ever after…that didn’t happen. We had our drinks, got the evil stares and laughed our asses off while dipping in the pool. So if you are ever in Palm Springs, and you want to give the local ladies a run for their money, dress up and head to The Nest…tell them Heidi sent you.

I love a good turf war, don’t you?

The Moment of Weakness

2011-06-15T13:48:00.000-07:00

You are alone on a Friday/Saturday/Sunday…hell any night of the week. Making your single serving meal. Maybe have a glass of wine, or two. There is nothing on TV. And all of your friends have lives. Except you.

You cave.

You call/text/send email to him.

You instantly regret the act.

You just had a moment of weakness.

I know you just wanted to see how he was doing because you left everything on good terms. He’s your friend now.

Okay, stop kidding yourself. Anything he will say will not be good. You will analyze every word, letter, sentence structure. Um…you are pathetic. Like me.

Recently my friend *Claire did such a thing. She knew the answer. She had heard through the grapevine that her ex was already online and dating a new girl. For as many “you dodged a bullet” pep talks I could give my friend, I knew she was hurting. She just wanted to know what he was doing…or did she really?

Claire is like all of us single gals. We want them to hurt but we can’t move on until we hear the truth. He has actually moved on and does he still miss us.

I have many exes (do I need to remind you how many?) who read my blog who are utterly confused with how many men I am actually dating at a time. (You sweetheart are the only one…I swear…she says crossing her fingers and toes).

I’m an utter mystery. And so are men.

I simply stopped trying to figure them out.

I have had so many moments of weakness it would make my feminist lit professor blush. Here’s the thing, we all just want to feel wanted and maybe even loved. I have said it many times…it’s all about the chase. When someone really likes us…they chase us. When they don’t. We obsess over the reason why not. Then we sit home alone slowly going mad. And have moments of weakness.

Oprah moment: Here’s what I know for sure… Men don’t think of us nearly as much we do them. In fact, he doesn’t even think about it until we bring it up.

Now, a weak moment isn’t just in those first weeks/months after a break up. The littlest thing can bring him back into our conscience. In fact, just the other day while sitting around having cocktails with my girlfriends, I nonchalantly asked about a guy I went to college with (moons ago). Then I got his number and called him. Thankfully he didn’t answer, but that was a close call.
Calling men in these moments of weakness all lead to men thinking one thing: We are desperate. (Borderline stalkers too.)

It’s true.

So re-examine that message you are planning on sending. Now imagine him reading your letter to his guy friends over a beer.

What do you see? Right. They all think you are a nut.

Look, I know you are not a desperate nut. I know you just miss him. He was your friend who you spent a lot of time with over the months and years. You miss him. But be strong.

If he’s moved on, you should move on.

He will not answer all of your questions. He will not let you in on his new love life. And most importantly he will not tell you WHY you two can’t remain friends right now. He might be hurting too.

Be strong not weak for you are a great catch. (I’m scanning my rolodex now to see who I can set you up with.)

HC

*Claire is not her real name.

The Work Date Dilemma

2011-06-02T08:39:00.001-07:00

As the summer sun starts to heat up, so does my party schedule. For the perpetually single girl, this brings up the all important: Who will I bring as my date? As I’ve been working in Hollywood since graduating college, there is a blur of work friends and colleagues. I work with many of my friends, and the circle of who knows who is relatively small. Let’s face facts, people talk, so bringing a date to an event, he will inevitably be dubbed “your boyfriend” whether you want him to be or not.

Recently I was invited to a red carpet premiere and was scared to death. Did I walk the carpet with my new guy? (Literally we had been on two dates.) I opted to go solo and had a horrible time. Everyone was coupled up but me and I was utterly bored. Why couldn’t I take the new guy? Did I not want him to meet my friends? Did I think it was too much, too soon? Would he not gel with my friends?

When I first start dating someone, I’m internally thinking of my upcoming schedule and in my head seeing if I could take them to my next set of events.

Here’s some upcoming events: Charity event (will he be pressured to bid on silent auction items?); Babies first birthday (babies and men…no way); Malibu beach party (way too many perfect bodies, and mine isn’t one of them); Cousin’s wedding (ah, my family will be there – no way in hell); Writer’s Convention (he reads the sports page and that’s about it…he’ll be bored); Game night with a bunch of couples (maybe, but they will size us up…he might get the wrong impression); Wine tasting/cocktail party with work friends (maybe).

I’ve decided that married people do not understand how difficult it is for single people to go to these events. They have married their partner and hell or high water it is generally understood that he or she must follow tow and attend events as a couple.

I’ve gotten quite used to going to events solo for fear of the guy thinking we were a couple. (Again, once someone sees you with someone, they assume he is your “boyfriend” until you explain he’s just a friend, he’s gay, or he dumped you later on when he doesn’t show up to the next event.) I’ve always thought men thought the same thing as your friends -- if you take them to an event then I must “really” like him and want him to be “my boyfriend”. But honestly, that’s not always the case.

Can’t I just take you to an event because I need a date? And aren’t we dating?

Back in March I went to a series of fun Oscar parties with my manager. I am NOT dating him. (Repeat, we are not dating.) But I went to several parties with him as my date because I knew he’d know people and could, I dunno, sell my screenplays in the process! I can’t tell you how many of my colleagues asked me if we were a couple. It was as if I was doing my own damage control on the dating scene – “He’s my manager!” (And for the record, I love my manager -- I’m just not dating him.) Why did I take him over another guy I was actually dating? Probably because I knew my manager would push me to talk to business people far more than a “non-pro” date.

But I learned a big lesson: I can’t always go to events with my manager, or best friend, or gay friend, or whoever -- It’s time to actually take a real date. And that brings me back to the red carpet premiere…why didn’t I take the new guy?

Here’s the thing: I am not easily impressed. I’ve done an amazing amount of “cool” things in my lifetime. I’ve been around the world, sailed on yachts, dined at five star restaurants, and have stayed in serious luxury accommodations. So if a guy wants to tell me about his sports car and the amount his Rolex watch is…great. But I’m not overly impressed. (I also think it’s foolish for the amounts of money one can shell out for all these luxuries to um, try and impress women.)

So I guess when I’m inviting a date to a celebrity filled charity event, it’s as if I’m pulling up in my Mercedes – and I don’t want them to think I’m trying to impress them. I’m not…I just want a date. And maybe that’s what I’m grappling with…do I look like a snobby Hollywood girl if I’m taking them to a wrap party for a friends movie?

So what do I do? Do I keep taking my manager or do I go out on the limb and bring the new guy?

I guess there is no real answer here. Just a summation to get married, because then my partner will be forever forced to attend painfully boring red carpet events and he can become “Hollywood jaded” like me.

Show Your Flaws

2011-05-21T11:44:00.001-07:00

I was chatting with a friend of mine. She was frustrated. Yet another guy had dumped her. “I don’t get it. I have it all - a house, good credit, a nice car, and I’m fucking hot.”

While Grace* is correct about her many great attributes, what she didn’t realize is everyone might not want to be the “perfect girl”, people can relate more to a few flaws. Even your ex.

I used to fall into this trap. I’d go on the first date and talk about myself. I’d wax poetic about how fabulous I am. Let me tell you…it never worked. Men don’t want to hear my success. They wanted to know my flaws. So I learned to be humble.

I also practice humility in my writing. Recently, my editor told me “Your character is just too perfect and the story is a ‘the dream scenario’ -- who can relate to that? Tell me how if felt when he didn’t call the next day.”

I got it instantly.

When you let down the “try to impress them” walls, a real and honest person can emerge.

So I changed my tactics (dating and writing, that is). Found my voice to be relatable on all levels. I’m not impressed easily, and in fact it’s actually a turn off when I’m with the name dropper, financial stats giver, and the flashy car driver who reveals these things on a first date. Sure these things will eventually come up…but be humble. Even though Grace* self proclaimed herself as “super hot” -- I wasn’t crying for her when she got dumped, god knows there will be another guy in the wings soon.

Bottom line: If two people put up their “fabulous” fronts….how do they really get to know each other? I know I’m not perfect. For if I was, I’d have a man by now. But I’m humble and human…and of course, I have lots of flaws.

*Grace is not her real name.

Color My World

2011-05-11T15:13:00.000-07:00

If there were a crowd of hipsters at a club, I’d be the one in a bright colored dress in the middle of the dance floor.
I have always chosen the rosy path and live my life with a glass half full. Sure I own a black dress, but its polka dotted and I wear it with five-inch hot pink heels.

When it comes to wardrobe: I am not boring.

I think I was around twenty two when I started to develop my own sense of style. Fresh out of college (and a wardrobe straight from The Gap) I was working as a Development Executive for a production company and one of the VP’s (Nancy) always came in wearing these brightly colored sundresses. The other executives had perfect designer suits tailored to their bodies, but not Nancy. She’d breeze into the office in colorful florals, dizzying prints, and a cornucopia of relaxed fabrics.

I thought she was the coolest. When she had a big network meeting, she didn’t care. She wore her sundresses and always sold her projects. There was no “dress for success” attitude, she formed her own demeanor and executives always thought she was so comfortable and relaxed and they wanted to emulate Nancy too.

When it came time to pitch my first project to the big TV Network executives, I didn’t have the confidence to wear something so funky as Nancy. So I went out and purchased a (ahem) boring Jones New York suit. It was awkward and ill fitting. Needless to say, I was uncomfortable and the project didn’t sell.

I finally got up the guts to approach Nancy in the break room and ask her where she shopped…. “Polkadots and Moonbeams,” she returned. I went the next day to the small little hipster joint on 3rd Avenue near the Beverly Center and purchased my first “Nancy-esque” sundress and it all started…forming my sense of style.

Now I have nothing against the staple duds one finds at J. Crew and Ann Taylor. I have a few of their staples mixed into my wardrobe, but it’s the hunt to find something original that really makes my heart go pitter pat.

This sense of style has continued into my “dating” wardrobe. I have a few fun outfits to wear on first dates, some more revealing duds to show “I’m interested”, and of course some conservative clothing with a little spice for the “meet the boss/parents” dates. But everything started with feeling comfortable with what I had on. If I was forced to wear something that “wasn’t me” …it never goes well.

Whether you get inspired by someone on TV (I’m sure Sarah Jessica Parker has sold oodles of Manolos and funky mismatch short shorts for designers) or you like the way a pop star sets a trend. Try things out. One does not need to accept the boring suits trended by the executive ranks. You will stand out if you put your best dressed foot forward.

Live outside the box every once in a while, everyone always remembers the stand out.

Wedding Dates

2011-05-02T16:25:00.000-07:00

With the Royal Wedding hoopla behind us…I have my own set of blissful events to attend. And here’s the rite of passage for the single girl: To attend a wedding solo. (In my case: Again.)

There are a couple of things I will admit to:

I’m jealous. You got a great guy and I love him and think you are a great couple. BUT I really do wish it was my wedding. The tears streaming down my face are not because I’m so damn happy for you. I’m mulling over all the guys I’ve dated and wondering why they never pulled the trigger. (Oh and I’m at your wedding solo and everyone else is married, brought a date or is ugly.)

I have taken the “friend date” who was acting like a boyfriend. I’ve taken male friends who were married (told to not wear rings), co workers (with whom I had to take them to a fine dinner for wasting an entire Saturday to go to your wedding), gay men (great dates…love the “acting as a couple” thing, and let’s face it, they can dance), and good male friends (who promised to go as long as the alcohol was free and they could watch the game.) I always made certain exceptions as long as I got a couple kisses, hand holding and maybe a slow dance.

I wanted to scream “Don’t do it” during the “….speak now or forever hold your peace” speech. I held my peace until they got divorced.

Thought your dress made your ass look huge. Unless you are a size two, please rethink they “fish tail” look. You really look like a satin sausage.

I hooked up with someone at your wedding. It was my “Wedding Crashers” moment. There…it’s been admitted.

It was a lovely event. Nice rent-a-hall. Oh and you’re totally inappropriate relatives are wasted and starting the Macarena. It wasn’t that fun…no matter how many people were dancing.

I left with a guy I didn’t bring to your wedding. This was the case when I asked my gay friend as my date to a wedding. I conveniently got a ride from the single guy I was flirting with at our table. Gay friend totally got it and left early. (His duties were done…and he was the best wing man ever.)

I have actually been dating someone and took them to your wedding. One word: torture. First, every guy thinks we are picturing our own walk down the aisle. Okay…we are. But, I usually tell my boyfriends of the time, “No Pressure”. But look: everyone knows…wedding attendance usually means women will sleep with you. So come to a happy medium. Play along with us…and let’s be happy for the blissful couple in front of us. But let’s go to the room once they cut the damn cake.

All this to say that I have three weddings to attend this summer season….Who wants to go with me?

What About Prom?

2011-04-12T09:22:00.000-07:00

The other day, I was minding my own business writing at a coffee shop. It was around 4:00pm in the “after school hours” and I watched a couple of teens saddle into the seats next to me. While I had my earphones on, I had the volume on low. (I love overhearing conversations, especially young love.)

“Um, so, um, I was wondering if you wanted to go to prom with me?” she asked. I felt like I was right back in highschool.

Here’s a shocker. I too asked a boy to prom.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Brian, a rebel, had been suspended from our school. I’m not sure why he was back on campus, but I totally remember asking him to prom in the parking lot and climbing the steps to yell to my bestie Kathy, “He said YES!”

There is something about prom season that brings me right back to high school. The pressure to find a date, the memories it creates, the moves he’s going to make, the bad corsages, the horrible posed pictures. It’s like the world’s worst first date, but a rite of passage at the same time.

Brian didn’t rent a limo, and we didn’t have that awkward moment at my parent’s house where they gushed over us. He was ‘low key’ -- we met at the venue.

Look, I knew then that Brian wasn’t that into me, but it didn’t deter the butterflies in my stomach. After all, I was just happy he said yes, and I was hopeful.

Looking back now, dating “Brian’s” was a pattern for me. I’d develop a huge crush, they knew it, and I’d let them treat me like crap. I had seriously low self esteem.

I sort of wish I could return to prom as an adult. I would do things much more differently and I have so much more self confidence. First, I would avoid Brian (and all other Brian-types), and find a date that actually wanted to go with me. One who wanted to be with me.

But as I’m examining the teens sitting next to me, I can see the same pattern. He’s not making eye contact, told her, “I’m not sure,” and now they are sitting there sipping their drinks in utter silence. (I so want to tell this girl that he’s not that into her…but alas...I’m mute.) Times have not changed.

(Oh and because I know you are all curious: This guy is not that “hot” on the “hot-ness” wheel of teen-dom. He might have some street cred on campus, I’m not sure. My guess is, he’s waiting to get a better offer. The girl on the other hand is far better looking, and I so want to tell her this, because she’s not going to believe her parents, when she tells them he said NO.)

Here’s what I know for sure: Yes, you have to put yourself out there if you want to find love. Yes, guys measure us up. Yes, you will get rejected more than accepted. Love hasn’t changed. Respect hasn’t changed. And you know…prom hasn’t changed. It’s still an awkward night. (Who wear ball gowns to dinners? Yes, we are all looking at you.) Have self confidence and don’t worry if you just go with friends. The thing is. Go. Cause you’ll be talking about it many years later.

And Brian if you are out there…. I’m still single. (But I’m not waiting for you to call.)

Urgh…Dating

2011-04-07T08:12:00.000-07:00

I’ve had some friends recently tell me that they admire how many dates I go on. Am I not the norm? What are you people doing at home?

For as long as I’ve been alive, I’ve always been a social person. I was that kid on the playground, who’d go up to strangers and ask them if they wanted to play. It’s just how I am. I feel the same way in my dating life. I go out and meet a lot of men…some I continue to date, some I never hear from again, and some I might not “fall in love” but, develop friendships. I’m social. So kill me. I like meeting new people.

But not everyone I meet becomes a relationship.

When I usually reveal I’m a “romance writer” I get a varied reaction. Usually it starts with “cool” – but when I tell them I maintain a blog called “Dating in La La Land” they somewhat freak out. Here’s the thing, while I might write about “my dates” in this blog…I always have approval from the men beforehand.

The script usually goes something like this “I’m a romance writer”

And they respond with: “I could tell you some stories….”

And then they go on to tell me about the horrible women they’ve dated. But it’s not just the men….my girlfriends tell me too.

For example: My friend Laura went out with a guy, who when he hopped off the counter stool revealed he was a dwarf.

My friend Craig had a women use another photograph as her profile pic and flew in to meet him from out-of-town. She thought this ambush would work on him. (Right, like he’d be fine with a total stranger staying with him for three days). Craig, the utter gentleman, took her to a hotel.

One of my dates told me about the girl who was quick to point out she’d have sex with him that night if he wanted it. When he told me this story, I sat in utter awe…geez…are women really that ballsy? Apparently so, but my date didn’t take her up on her offer. He found her slutty. (Good call.)

Now I can’t say every date I’ve been on has been… “Choice” – there was a viral message I sent out about this guy who I went on a hike with on the beach, and the tide came in and well…he thought this was the oceans way of telling him to suck my face off. I couldn’t escape fast enough from that one.

But I’m curious…what bad dates have you been on? I’m always writing about thoughts and theories…and I need to hear more. So bring it on.

Oh…and get out there and meet people. I know we will all find love …it’s what I live for. Cause if there is one thing I know…he’s not in your apartment right now…so get out!

Gender Appropriateness

2011-03-28T12:59:00.001-07:00

You know those things that men should just know and do? (Kill bugs, repair cars, take out the trash, fix things.)

Well, what if roles were reversed? Could we get used to the idea of a woman doing “man things” and a man doing “women things”?

I always have kept ‘one-eyed opened’ when a man tells me he wants to go shopping with me. But, it got me thinking…when I whip out my tools to fix a loose leg of a chair, does he think I’m butch?

I grew up in a house wherein my father didn’t know how to fix anything. He hired people. And he never ever went clothing shopping. My mother on the other hand always “tried” to fix things and she bought all his clothes. As for my siblings…we were given gender appropriate tasks: Brother took out the trash, my sister and I did dishes and helped with the laundry.

The other day a guy I have been dating asked me what I was doing, and I replied, “fixing my sink.” He went on to joke about me dialing a plumber … and I was like no, I put on my kitchen gloves, turned off the water, and got out my wrench. He found this odd yet titillating at the same time.

After being a homeowner for a number of years, there are just some things I always found I could do on my own. And every roommate I’ve ever had will admit I am a spider and/or bug killer.

Is it wrong to have these certain skills? Do we really need to be subservient to male roles? Haven’t we moved beyond that?

Looking back, I remember my dad going to a barber, but today’s men have a hairdresser. And is it me, or have men been using more and more “beauty products” lately? Times have changed.

When it comes to fixing my car, I am utterly clueless. This why I have a AAA card and call them then I get a flat tire. But what if I could jack up the car, and replace the muffler? And hell, fix my boyfriends car too?

What if your straight boyfriend was sewing curtains on a Saturday afternoon vs. playing ball, would that be odd…or would you buy him some fabric to make you some too?

So let’s go there, would you hire a female plumber, electrician or exterminator? What about a male maid, make-up consultant, or gynecologist?

I don’t have any answers, but I am amused by my re-conditioning of the male and female roles and now more than ever wondering what he really thought about me fixing my own sink. Hum.

Funky Scent

2011-03-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

What do Matthew McConaughey, Robert Pattinson, Colin Farrell, and Johnny Depp have in common?

Funk? Odor? Halitosis?

They allegedly smell.

I received a call from a friend “I need your advice, I think I have a deal killer.” Her story: she had been chasing this guy for a few weeks – Type: Hot actor, they were doing a show together and had been flirting. Finally he got up enough courage and asked her out on a date. “We made out in the parking lot, and he is a great kisser, but he just had um, body odor.”

Deal killer maybe, mood killer for sure.

My advice was simple…their “make out” was, of course, after a rehearsal. So maybe he was a bit physical under the hot lights and as such…had some odor. Cut him some slack and not pass judgment until after a real date wherein he would probably shower.

My friend Troy outlined it best: “Men are like mayonnaise. You leave them out in the sun for eight hours you can expect bad things.”

But it got me thinking about scents. Have you ever walked through the mall, or been standing in line at the coffee shop, or even hanging at the DMV, and there, walking past you is a nice smelling man. He’s put together, hair in place, clothes are ironed, and he carries an air of confidence. You notice him.

Or how about those moments when you are about to have a first kiss, and somewhere in the last two minutes he must have slipped in a mint, yet you aren’t really sure when? I take appreciation in that attention to detail. In fact, recently I was on a date and my date slipped out to the bathroom before departing the restaurant, and he must have had a cherry lozenge. It was nice.

But body odor. Hum…whole new issue. There is a certain basic cleanliness you should attend to before you go a courtin’. Now, there are those who are attracted to, shall we say, the “natural scent” and I’ve done enough traveling in Europe and regions abroad, and met women who have no issue with those who forego the use of daily deodorant applications. This is not me.

And then on the other side of the coin, there are those that go WAY overboard with their colognes. In fact, just the other day I was daytripping with a new guy and we had a “close quarters” ambush with a gentleman who went a little liberal with his Old Spice application. I could literally taste this guy’s cologne and had to move to another part of the store. Be mindful of those around you: crowded areas like a bus, metro, or elevator can choke out the fresh air.

There needs to be a balance. A freshly bathed scent is just fine. If you are going to do physical activity, make sure your deodorant is working and for heaven’s sake, take a shower before you go on a date.

And The Winner Is....

2011-02-28T19:24:00.000-08:00

What a difference a year makes.

Last year I wrote a blogpost about award season where was working and watching awards shows.

This year, I was the one at the parties and award shows.

I had sort of a “pinch me” moment while backstage at the Independent Spirit Awards. I was uncomfortable…. Didn’t know anyone and the only person I did know…was working with her headset on and rushing around. I watched Natalie Portman, Annette Benning, Mark Ruffalo, the entire cast of Winters Bone, and show host Joel McHale (who is very tall) all walk by. When a waiter came by and offered me an Irish Coffee (Jameson Irish Whiskey was their sponsor) I took it, and sipped down some confidence.

Going to these events is sort of like work. You get out there and talk with people, put together movie deals and meet those that can make things happen. My mantra was, “this is your year Heidi.” So I put on my party dress with that attitude. I was there to work. (And I was working in 5 inch heels and a nice sheen of new Josie Maran make-up.)

Later that evening I had a wingman, my manager Adam, to the Weinstein Company party at The SoHo House. I was not allowed to be a wallflower, he was working the room and introducing me to friends along the way. Work, work, work…this is work?

As I tried not to spill my cocktail, nor let the backpain that was starting to collect in my lower back get the better of me, (damn heels), Adam was setting up meetings for me to meet with producers, agents, and financiers. We literally worked the room. I saw former colleagues, friends, and old love interests. Work, work, work.

I scanned the room and started noticing patterns. I watched women bat their lashes at males in the room. Actors, agents, producers all sipping their “cocktail confidence” trying to get laid. There were posers acting like they were big shots, slutty actresses trying to book “jobs” on casting couches, and there were big actors wide eyed and trying to figure out where their publicists were. And then it hit me….what was I really doing here? I wanted these people to read my book, make it into a movie, hell, turn my life into a Cinderella tale.

As I clicked my heels together ala Dorothy and watched a cute little brunette, claws out, batting lashes, fixated on Adam, I made my breakaway and found a loan chair to give my feet a break. There I met a wonderful woman *Joan whose husband was “working” as she put it. (This wasn’t Joan’s first rodeo show.) “I hate award season” she lamented. Joan was not only going to this party, but the Oscars the next day. Her husband was nominated.

Sweet, a real insider.

Joan asked me about my story, why I was there, who was I there with etc. Telling her I was a writer was easy, and Joan was happy that I was just a normal, non-poser type, looking for love in a sea of “the enhanced”. Joan began her commentary on the women at this event pointing out bad boob jobs, lip injections, and hair extensions. “It’s all too much” and even their surgeons were at this party. (Really, people bring their plastic surgeons to Hollywood parties? “They are working the room too.” Fascinating.)

After a good thirty minutes of chatting with Joan, who promised to call me later and set me up with a “great guy not in the business”, she clinked my glass and left me to go find Adam.

Adam and I went from party to party, keeping up our “cocktail confidence” airs about us. Work, work, work. I finally cab-ed it home circa 1:00am, my business card holder empty, and a glass of water with a Tylenol as my new drink of choice. I was home.

I woke up Sunday morning and knew I had changed from a year ago. I had grown. Sure there were lessons and “access” I learned from my old job. But I had a new confidence, not alcohol induced, I was a published writer. People wanted to meet me. And I wasn’t in the shadows. I was re-born.

On Sunday, I received tweets from friends on red carpets (ohmiygod, they don’t have lit toilets for reporters at Elton John!) and watched an ex boyfriend perfect his comb-over on E! while mugging in the background. I happily watched the awards with a friend, cooked a fabulous meal and had a relaxed air. My friend turned to me and said, “you’re different”…if only he knew the real truth.

I was a winner too.
*Joan is not her real name, but her husband is now an Oscar winner.

Single, Divorced, Long Term-ers

2011-02-20T19:14:00.001-08:00

In my many years on this planet, I’ve dated men that fit into many many categories. So I’ve begun to poll my dates and friends for their thoughts on dating those who are single, divorced, and those who have been in long term relationships but never married.

While my statistics are not scientific, it’s helped me in my dating life. So let me fill you in.

MEN (Perspective from women dating men)

• Single Guys under 35: Looking for the hot chick in her 20’s. Not necessarily looking for a baby momma. (And always carry condoms.)

• Single Guys over 40: Houston we have a problem. They have never been married but think they have all the answers and just haven’t met “the one”. Men and women are different…it’s time to learn this and respect each other’s individually for if we are too similar…it would be weird.

• Long Term-ers: Scared of the future. They are stuck in their ways and getting married will just be too different for them. They would rather you leave them than force them to get married. “It’s just a piece of paper” anyway.

• Divorced Guys (divorced less than 5 years): Don’t want to get married ever. She took them to the cleaners and they are pissed off. Oh and you better be hot so he can show you off in case of a run in.

• Divorced Guys (divorced over 5 years): Want a companion. Miss having someone who cooks, cleans, and does laundry. Plus…you can get them organized. They’ve “been a mess since the divorce.” You are their new cheerleader. Rah Rah Rah.

WOMEN (Perspective from men dating women)

• Single Women under 25: Looking for a good time. Into their careers and climbing the ladder…so let’s just have fun.

• Single Women between 25-38: Looking for a baby daddy. Men sense this right away and run if scared. (Men carry condoms).

• Single Women 38 plus: They are there to be a cheer leader to a divorced guy.

• Single Women 45 plus (and never married): All men think you have ten cats. (I know you don’t…I’m just sayin…don’t talk about your odd hobbies.)

• Long term-ers: Totally frustrated by men and want the ring within 6 months of dating men.

• Divorced Women (divorced less than 5 years): Cougars on the prowl. Just want to have sex and it can be with the pool man, cable guy, and random hot dude who bags your groceries. Not looking for divorced dad types…yet.

• Divorced Women (divorced over 5 years): Want the Brady Bunch situation. You have kids, he has kids…let’s make this work. Finally ready for a real relationship.

Again…no hate mail on this…this is just what I’ve heard out there. I started asking after I started dating some men who were divorced (something I had not done a lot of early on) and well…it’s odd how they fit into various categories. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule and there are categories I know I haven’t even thought of. I’m just trying to sum up my “research”.

All this to say…if you are recently divorced, I don’t think you are banging your pool guy per se. It’s just that many of my male friends tell me women go through a “mid-life crisis” once their divorce papers are signed. I’m just stating what I’m being told.

But let’s keep the debate going…if you have a story: please email me:

heididcarson@gmail.com

Oh no…Valentine’s Day is Coming…Quick…Time to Panic?

2011-02-07T18:54:00.000-08:00

What is it about Valentine’s that scares men? No really. I mean, all men I know hate Valentine’s day. Why?

Remember when we were kids and we were forced to write a Valentine to every kid in our class. But expect a card from a guy today…and forget about it. They clam up and all blame Hallmark for “making up” this holiday to sell them something.

I think men are half correct. Restaurants, florists, chocolate makers, and of course card companies all make a bundle on Valentine’s day. But does that mean I shouldn’t buy candy for kids on Halloween because Hershey is making a profit?

I was walking the aisles of my favorite store (um Target) the other day and I will admit, I got swept up and made some impulse purchases for the holiday: cute lace panties, a box of conversation hearts, and yes… I even bought some chocolate.

It was like I was in school again…letting the merchants make a buck or two off me to, I dunno, put a smile on my face.

What changed from when we were kids?

I know what it is…its expectation. Men feel if they don’t do something fantastic and romantic then we will be disappointed. (Um, we will.) Yes its true, many women have some romantic fantasy that our man will come home with a large bouquet of roses and/or chocolates and take us out to an amazing meal, and then we will have incredible sex. It’s one day out of the year…and it can actually be fun.

Do you not think you will meet our expectations? You are probably right. But let’s not get derailed. Let’s take baby steps to get you to “enjoy” this holiday.

Being someone who writes romance novels for a living…trust me…I have lived out the “romantic date” fantasy for decades…and I feel for all the men I’ve dated because I know this is added pressure. But take my profession out of the picture and I tell you what I really want…..Is You.

The little stuff you do for me all the time is far more romantic than anything you will/could bring me on Valentine’s day. Don’t be so scared. I don’t have a warped reality. Seriously I don’t.

Oh I know what you are going to say: If he doesn’t bring me: Flowers, Chocolates, or take me out to dinner –I will be disappointed.

Yes, but isn’t life full of disappointments? Prom? Graduation? Getting older? Yeah…all of it…overrated. And so is Valentine’s Day. Get over it.

Moons ago I was dating this guy who always got it “wrong” on Valentine’s Day. One year he took me to Benihana so we could have dinner with other random couples (ahhh Not romantic). Another year he took me to some Brazilian meat place where men in harem pants came to our table with sabers of beef and lamb they would slice off for us…yikes. But I shouldn’t complain, I mean he was making an effort because he never liked to go out to dinner in the first place. I was always so amused by what he thought I’d like. In all honesty…I didn’t need a fancy dinner…I just wanted to see him and know he loved me.

I was reminded by a very dear friend of mine that women should not put all this expectation on the day…it’s too much pressure for men. Really? Pressure to write me a card? Tell them they like me? Really?

Look….Having someone who is always “so busy” with work, family, school, other random commitments, for them to take a break from their lives to go on dates, go to a movie, and well…sit down and have a chat over a cup of tea…all those little things far outweigh anything that can happen on a date designed for the colors of pink and red.

Here’s my beef. Yes there is a lot of symbolism in Valentine’s day…lots of “pressures” because you might not be sure you actually like us, or gasp, love us. I can tell you…it’s a bigger sign if you do nothing, than if you just wrote us a card, made a mixed CD or spent two dollars on a box of conversation hearts.

So what do you want?

I hear you. You don’t want to give us “too much” of your heart on Valentine’s Day. So keep your roadside flowers (they will die in a few days anyways) and well…we don’t need the chocolates (which goes right to my thighs)…and let’s save money by not going out on a day when restaurants jack up the prices on prix fixed menus. Honestly, a quiet night in together is always nice, and if you put pen to paper and wrote me a card – well this is far more romantic than anything in my book.

So men out there…don’t be nervous. Be yourself. And you have to do SOMETHING (Hint: Write a card.) Because, if you like her…tell her. And if you don’t tell her everyday, tell her at least on ONE DAY out of the year. Hallmark is just your reminder notice.

The Bill Splitter

2011-02-02T17:05:00.000-08:00

You might have heard about this story…it was told to me by a friend who heard the women on The View chatting about it. Basically a woman went out on a date with a guy, she didn’t feel the chemistry, so when he emailed her for a second date, she politely said “thanks but, no thanks.”

His response was: “Sorry to hear that, but can you send me $45 for your share of the dinner bill?”

Ouch. Bitter?

Here’s my thought. He could have invited her to coffee. Usually the guy is the one asking the woman out. So if he was, ah, being cheap, then why didn’t he suggest something in his price range rather than try and woo a girl with a fancy dinner out the gate?

I don’t know about you, but I usually offer to pay the bill on a first date. I have never been taken up on my offer. (I will tell you I once went on an epic six hour long first date, and after he had paid for lunch, I thought it only fair that I pay for coffee, which the guy took me up on and I have NO ISSUE with that.)

Now I will admit, if I guy said, “Sure, could you give me $30 for your portion” it would change my perception of him. After all, he invited me on the date to said location. (I’m much more of a first date coffee or one drink cocktail type of person anyway.) But that’s my point, if you picked the restaurant, you pay.

It’s sort of obvious that this guy is a bit bummed he was dumped. But he shouldn’t have tried so hard. Meanwhile…how much do we hate her for going to the press with her “Story”.

So to the dumped guy…I think you actually dodged a bullet. Call me…we can go dutch to coffee.

Pay a date forward

2011-01-15T21:17:00.001-08:00

The other day I was in Starbucks wherein the cashier told me that my drink had been paid for by a patron ahead of me. I glanced over to a beautiful red-headed woman and nodded a thank you. She was utterly embarrassed.

She politely confessed, "I told the cashier not to tell anyone I was purchasing drinks for the line. I simply wanted to 'pay it forward'."

I was thrilled with my afternoon pick-me-up and it got me thinking. I had been on a number of dates recently wherein for one reason or another, it wasn't a good fit, but I thought…maybe I should introduce them to another single friend of mine. A sort of paying a date forward.

I've been struggling with writing a blog post about a certain concept for about the past year. The idea was submitted to me by a friend wherein she stated I needed a "pair and a spare" in my dating life. That's right, I should always be dating three men at once. So I went out on this quest, and often was juggling three and even four men in my dating life at once. While I never wanted to confess I had such a prolific dating life on a public blog, I was literally keeping my options open and meeting new people. And let me just tell you, I've met some great men and while it might not have worked out for us romantically, I have thought about setting some of them up with my single friends. But is that such a good idea? (Girlfriends of mine…please feel free to chime in here.) I mean, who wants my cast-offs? But then again, if they weren't good fits for me, perhaps they would be a good fit for someone else?

(For the record… when dating multiple suitors…I ALWAYS had a rule. Once someone was moving into first position and we progressed to the bedroom, I would stop dating others. So before you all think I'm some ho-bag. I do have standards. Please.)

Anyway… I think that red-head is inspiring… I'm going to do the same thing today. Randomly buy someone coffee, and perhaps email a few friends and set up some dates. It's a New Year, and all I want is for everyone to find love.

Who knows if it will be successful or not, but if everyone is open to the idea… I'm going to pay a date forward.

Puffy Shirts

2011-01-06T18:31:00.001-08:00

"He told me he worked in Regional Distribution" my friend Bekah said, "what he really meant was, he was a pizza delivery guy."

Ever been on a first date wherein the guy puffed up his image? And then a few dates down the line he was really…a pizza delivery guy? Bekah's story is all too familiar to me.

I can't tell you how many dates I've been on or heard tales of first dates wherein the "truth" was a little far from reality… the "financial analyst" is really a bank teller; the "chef" is really working at Taco Bell; the "talent manager" is an out of work actor; the "law enforcement officer" is really a security guard; and my favorite, the "government worker" is really collecting unemployment because really…in his eyes the government was paying him to not work right now.

Why do we do this? When we really get to know the person and they start revealing the truths we are going to second guess everything they've just said to us.

"She'll never go out with me if she knows I'm just an accountant," a friend told me. Says who? I would go out with an accountant. Shows they know how to deal with money, and who knows, they might have a good personality!

I went on a couple dates with a guy who was at the time the CEO of a company, but he had a tough road to this title. A little foreclosure, a little bankruptcy, but now he had a job and things were looking up…until…he lost his job…again.

In an instant he thought I didn't want to go out with him. Why would I? He didn't have a job. He had nothing.

He was totally wrong.

He had a great personality. We had similar interests, had fun dates, and he made me laugh.

But all that changed the day he lost his job.

His witty banter went right out of him and there was no way to prop him up. It wasn't about his status in life, I liked him in spite of his job. I told the CEO to put the wind back in his sails, but it was easier for him to run away vs. face me. I have never heard from him again.

I know my job does not define me. I am far more than a writer, blogger, television producer.

Confidence in what you do is sexy. So even if you are "just a" (insert: pizza delivery guy, accountant, production assistant, truck driver, barista, whatever.) Own it. Be the best burger flipper you can. Don't over inflate yourself to get the girl. She'll figure it out anyway. Aim high and have goals…cause if we like you, we'll believe in you.

The one thing I know for sure, behind every good man, is a good woman. And I love a confident man.
(Now, that said: I will admit, there are some superficial chicks out there. But did you really want them anyways? )

New Year’s Resolutions

2010-12-31T18:57:00.001-08:00

Oh, how I love the internet. Because last year, when I decided to have a blog, of course I published my 2010 New Years plans…here was my list. (Let's make comments):

2010 Goals:

1) Go Out More (be more social). Do not turn down an invitation no matter how exhausted you are...going out equals stories and you are a writer. This is actually a repeat from last year...but...if you read the last post...do I go to married guys pot luck tomorrow? Confliction...but could get a story right?
OKAY…I TOTALLY WENT OUT MORE…BUT DIDN'T GO OUT TO MARRIED GUYS EVENT (I HAVE STANDARDS…BARELY…) SO THIS YEARS RESOLUTION: GO OUT AND PIMP YOUR BOOK MORE J

2) Do not drink alone. If you are going to have a drink, you must be with someone. (So again...pushing that social thing....again a repeat and No I didn't always keep this resolution in 2009...I'll try harder in 2010.)
I GOT A ROOMMATE THIS FALL…SO WHEN I DRINK…MY ROOMATE IS AROUND. THAT'S PROGRESS RIGHT?

3) Lose 20 lbs. Last year I lost 15. (Not bad....I did go down the all important dress size. Yeah me. But I have about 15 or 20 to go. I want to get there this year.)

UM…DIDN'T LOSE 20 LBS. STILL NEED TO LOSE 20 LBS…WHICH I WILL DO IN JANUARY. MUST FIT BETTER INTO MY SKI PANTS.

4) Be more active. The gym is fun, well not fun, but practical. But I'd like to do more bike riding, public gardening, hiking etc. Things outside, again...keep up the social thing. (Current issue is time and the lack of sunlight in the early hours.)

OK. I HAVE THE TIME AND I JOINED A NEW GYM CLOSER TO MY HOUSE. I AM KEEPING THIS GOING. I NEED TO PUSH MYSELF MORE. THE CONVO WITH MY SISTER OVER CHRISTMAS BREAK WAS TO JOIN MORE CLASSES…SO I'M GOING TO DO THAT. I WANT TO LOSE THAT 20LBS. SERIOUSLY.

5) Get published. (All signs are pointing that is going to finally happen. Yeah me.)

AH SIGH….I SOLD MY FIRST NOVEL IN MARCH 2010. THEY KEEP CHANGING THE PUBLISHING DATE, BUT, RIGHT NOW…"DATING IN LA LA LAND" WILL HIT STORES IN JUNE 2011. I JUST FINISHED A HUGE EDIT AND I LOVE MY TEAM. IT'S AS FUNNY AS…. AS WELL, ME!

6) Travel more. (I am currently dreaming about 3 vacations. Don't know with whom or when these can/will happen...but I will attempt to go to three places near and far in 2010.)

WELL... I DID DO SOME TRAVEL THIS YEAR…NOT EXACTLY WHERE I THOUGHT I'D GO TO LAST YEAR. I WENT TO VEGAS WITH MY BOOK CLUB FOR THE RUGBY TOURNAMENT (UMMMM….AWESOME…MEN IN SHORT SHORTS…) AND THEN NAPA FOR MY BIRTHDAY (THANKS TO THE JANE GOODALL GALA I ATTENDED AND BID ON A KILLER DEAL…) AND I WENT TO IRELAND WITH MY SISTER IN THE FALL AND HAD A BLAST. OF COURSE…WENT TO NYC AN EPIC THREE TIMES LAST YEAR FOR MEETINGS AND CONVENTIONS…BUT I HAVE MY PASSPORT RENEWED AND I'M ALWAYS ON THE GO.)

7) Listen to own voice and not be pressured. Be sane, and not let the insane rule my life. (This is probably going to be the hardest thing for me. My head races with a mindful of ideas that aren't always necessarily the best choices.)
OH MY GOD….I ACHIEVED THIS. FUNNY WHAT YOU PUT DOWN.

8) Flirt more. (Literally I was at the CHP (California Highway Patrol Office) the other day, and I flirted with the officer checking out to make sure I had my headlights fixed - stop it with the sex jokes okay -- and well...it was fun. A little smirk and a smile not only makes my day, it can make someone else's, so I need to flirt more.)

WHILE I DIDN'T DATE A CHP IN 2010…I DID DATE A FORMER COP AND NOW A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. WELL ACTUALLY…I HAD A LOT OF DATES IN 2010. I HAVE HAD MY FLIRT ON…AND I DO HAVE MY HEART ON A CERTAIN SLEEVE… AND I AM SUCH A HAPPY GIRL.

9) Fall in love. (Could be simple...or heartbreaking. I've had years filled with both. But I'm throwing my heart out there again this year. And looking for serious takers. Truly. Be men...got it?)

YOU KNOW….WHEN MEN WERE WISHY WASHY…I LET THEM GO EARLY ON. I WAS DUMPED, AND I FELL HARD IN 2010. BUT AS THE YEAR COMES TO A CLOSE…I AM FULL OF OPTIMISM. IN YEARS PAST I WAS SORT OF FULL OF "I HOPE THEY LIKE ME"…AND NOW I'M MUCH MORE OF "I'M A GREAT CATCH, AND THEY WOULD BE LUCKY FOR ME TO FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM" ATTITUDE. ALL I CAN SAY IS…I HAVE A SUNNY OUTLOOK ON MY LIFE AND YOU CAN ALL BE JEALOUS. I HAVE LOTS OF LOVE IN MY LIFE.

My NEW resolutions for 2011 are:

BE AN HONEST AUTHOR/WRITER. (Give advice to fans, help those who want/need to be published and give back to those who possess serious talent.)
BE AN HONEST GIRLFRIEND…BUT NOT TOO HONEST. (I trusted my gut a lot this year. When it wasn't working, I let men know. But I might want to work through things more. I need to realize that no one is perfect – including me – and relationships take work. Respect individuality and them you.)
MOVE FORWARD. (While you might not understand this…I do. I don't want to live in a condo that won't help my relationship, I don't want to work on a job that I won't be happy with (one that will just make money.) I want to move my relationships, my life, my career… forward…be progressive, not stagnate.
LISTEN. (I tend to be boastful. It's all about me me me….I need to listen to others and care about their needs.)
LOSE 20 LBS. (I can do that this year. I would like to be at my goal weight by my birthday….I know, who wouldn't?)
GO TO NEW YORK AND MAKE A PLAN…SELL MY SECOND BOOK ETC. (Every time I visit New York, I don't have a plan. I have a meeting. This year, I'm going to establish a plan…progressive meetings, sell books, create media buzz.)
BUILD UP TV CAREER….AGAIN. (I've been gone from the TV biz for 7 years….I want to get back to my roots. And I love TV.)
NETWORK, SEE OLD FRIENDS, AND CREATE NEW ONES. (I actually started this, this year…and I'm having a blast. My friends have not forgotten me, and are so proud I actually wrote a novel while in an insane job. So it's been so great seeing old friends who are supportive to my new endeavors with so much enthusiasm (and hopefully book me on their various TV programs!))
PAY ATTENTION TO THE LITTLE THINGS (Whether it's supporting a friends indie film project, or sending a card to someone in the hospital, those little things mean so much…and I want to commit to that.)
FALL IN LOVE. (I know…a repeat from last year…but I believe in my heart that he is out there for me…and I plan on giving out my heart to the right man in 2011.)

I wish you all a very happy new year…I will be in Pasadena at the Tournament of Roses Parade at the crack of dawn…of course, looking for single men carrying roses.

2010 was the year of FREEDOM; and 2011 in the year of REBIRTH. Bring it…. Happy New Year.

Heidi Carson

Spouse Swap

2010-12-22T08:50:00.001-08:00

Here's another watercooler issue:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/fashion/weddings/19vows.html

Have you heard about the recent New York Times story wherein a blissful couple chatted it up on how they met and then had their tale spread over the pages of the newspaper? I love a good love story, (Who doesn't love a good love story?) and read about their wedded bliss with much merriment, until I started listen to talk radio. Well…I'll tell you…scorned women did not like this story.

You see this couple met at various events with their children, ballet classes, baseball games, pre-school pick up. It's unclear who was flirting with who, but what is true is both were married to other people during the flirtatious rounds. This couple claims that "nothing happened" while they were married. Hum…ever hear of the "emotional cheating" phrase. (Okay, Jennifer Anniston…here's your opportunity to tell us what really went down…)

So while this couple wants us to believe that their actions were just innocent, scorned ex-wives are down right pissed. So what they did…was it wrong or innocent?

I'm not judging here, but with 50% of marriages ending in divorce, if things aren't going great in a marriage, do you really think he isn't looking?

Recently a friend of mine invited me out for coffee wherein she had to tell me "something" (yeah…a red flag went up.) My friend is single and in her 40's, never married. She tells me she's met someone, with whom she truly adores…BUT (yep, here it comes) he's married. My friend had polled many of her friends and confesses to me that 75% of her friends have dated (or at least gone out with) someone who was married. This "fact" shocked me. Really? Her "facts" were a bit off kilter to me, but then again, what do I know? Maybe someone I've dated has been married and they never told me? My friend claims that their meeting was innocent. He told her he was married, but he was attracted to her. A friendship started and both did not expect to fall in love.

It happened to another friend of mine. She met a guy online who was not wholly truthful. They dated for a few weeks, slept with each other, and then she found out…he was married. (She then broke it off with him…) Which always makes me put up some guard, than if a man isn't happy in his relationship…he's out there looking. When he finds something, he'll break it off (or so he says.)

Now, back to the New York couple….I completely understand the pissed off scorned wife syndrome out there. I would be pretty mad if my husband started dating a friend of my child's with whom he met at the Christmas Choir event I couldn't make due to work, but I would also have to re-examine the cracks in my relationship and see if there was something worth saving. If I was completely blindsided and we were a blissful couple (and really…what couple is that happy?) then yeah, I'd be pissed.

Just as Jennifer Anniston was apparently blindsided when Brad had an emotional affair with Angelina and then divorced Jen…yeah, I get it. But Jen…were you on the set with him everyday? Or were you off making your own film? Relationships take work and it goes both ways.

So watch for those cracks that can become craters…and keep one eye open.

Ho Ho Hollywood

2010-12-18T18:10:00.001-08:00

You know when your schedule is so crammed that you can't even think straight? I hear you…shopping, wrapping, parties, work, deadlines, Christmas merriment, and well…then there is dating! Now on top of that…Hollywood always seems to put out its best films within a six week period. (Why?) I have so many movies I want to catch up on, it boggles my mind. What to do?

So literally, today…it's raining in Hollywood (the TV news reporters react like Armageddon has arrived and we should all sit at home and not dare get on the road.) But I always go against the grain.

I hit the multiplex.

Here's a little factoid. I went to USC (University of Southern California) to study Film. I had a professor there who made a proclamation on day one…Go see movies at a movie theater. Take in the experience, and make it an event.

Over the years, as friends have built screening rooms, purchased larger-than-life TV's, I've been able to watch movies with a fire roaring, sipping a cup of hot coco, in my pjs…and here's the thing, I have always felt guilty. Films are made to be enjoyed in a theater, with an audience of more than one. This I wholly believe in.

There is this new trend here in Hollywood, and I'm not sure I'm digging it. Movie theaters are transforming the standard rows and rows of seats and making the "theater going experience" like you haven't left your living room. They are tearing out seats for sofas, serving full on gourmet meals versus popcorn, and swamping soda for beer and wine. They are assigning seats, and hiring a wait staff instead of ushers. I'm totally serious.

I will admit, I have one local "art house" theater that who is bucking the trend and has the most uncomfortable seats. But, for two hours, I can suffer through it because they show some really great films. (This theater never got the "stadium seating" trend either…so god forbid you sit behind a tall person.)

Oh and newsflash: If you decide to go on a date to a movie in Hollywood…bring your wallet. It's going to cost you. Sofas and alcohol ain't cheap and will set you back a good $15.00 a ticket to take in a blockbuster (even more if it's in IMAX or 3D). I've been on more than one date recently where he took me to the "love seat" style theater. Dude…I'll take the lazy boy chairs, we aren't in your frickin house so paws off on the love seat. (PDA in a dark theater is not cool in my book. I actually do enjoy movies. Oh and I have my own place for that stuff!)

I tend to head to outer boroughs for a bargain. My friend Lori (and fellow USC classmate) and I went to film recently and she was SHOCKED when it cost $6.75. (I know. So cheap. And yes it was a matinee, but still…that's a good deal for a matinee.) This did take some searching, but bargains can be found.

I'm kinda not cool with the whole 3D thing either. You see…these films aren't shot in 3D, they are enhanced with 3D. Maybe I'm getting old, but I get kinda dizzy watching films in 3D. And no offense, it's just a way for theaters to make more money and charge more for this experience. I watched a mother and her three crying children beg her to take them to "Yogi Bear" – but she couldn't find a "regular" version of the film and ended up shelling out an extra $20 for the 3D version, and trust me…her kids didn't need to have the 3D experience. SO what is probably going to happen in the future, she won't be able to find a "regular version", and can't afford all these rising costs (due to comfy chairs etc.) so she's not going to go to the movies, and she's going to wait until she can purchase the DVD for her three crying children to watch it at home. And wouldn't that be a shame…her kids won't get that "theater going experience".

(The 3D and IMAX cost exception would be seeing a grand film like "Avatar" – which took me multiple visits to sold out theaters before I was able to see it in IMAX 3D – and it was worth the extra costs. So film nerds…I get that, no hate mail. Thank you.)

I understand why people build their own theater experiences at home. But I don't think people understand how much they are shelling out for their "at home" movie going. Sure you can stream Netflix from your sofa, but how often were you going to the movies in the first place? Why not make it an experience and actually co-mingle with other patrons? I don't get it.

I have a friend Gary who was telling me about his 800 BluRay DVD collection and his 50 inch TV…blah blah blah. Here's the thing Gar…save your dough, go to the movies, and well...use the money from your collection for some Real Estate? Add it up…you've spend about $2,000 on your TV, Surround sound, and probably $16,000 on DVD's, you probably won't watch again, and aren't as good as when you saw them on a big screen the first time.

I have another friend Suzy, who was confessing to me that she has begun to sell some of her beloved VHS collection because she knows she's never going to watch them. Why? She no longer owns a VHS machine. You see…the technology is changing folks. Everything will eventually end up on our giant TV's and we will be able to stream everything over our cables, wifi and giant dishes shoved down our throats by the entertainment industry. But here's my point. Just go to a movie the old fashioned way…in a movie theater. And let it transport you for two hours. There is truly nothing more blissful.

Of course, I'm writing this right after I viewed "Black Swan" (for $6.75)…so I am a little disturbed right now. But that was my point. I loved every minute of my experience.

See you at the movies.

Letter to Santa Claus

2010-12-09T15:02:00.001-08:00

Dear Santa,
I'm not writing you as some young sugar high child, a sad widow who lost her husband in the war, or a victim of some horrible disease on her death bed…No. I'm just a pathetic single woman who thought if I can't find Mr. Right through every other channel, why not write to Santa Claus? I mean, as a kid, you were good to me…I put my wish list on paper and mailed it off to the North Pole and you always delivered: a pink bicycle, new roller skates and Kermit the frog sheets… Then on Christmas Day, poof, they arrived under my tree. So I thought, why not count on you once again?
With that…I would like:
A man (no boys)
Currently Single (he could be divorced, have kids…I'm good with that.)
Lives in or around Los Angeles (there are what…3 million men in Los Angeles, you must be able to find one that fits these criteria.)
Wants to love me (I was going to say…treats me like a princess…but then I thought you'd think I am younger than I really am….and also…I don't need a tiara I just want to be loved…cause rarely do I feel I get the love back.)
It'd be nice if he had a job (I'd like to retain my life as a freelance writer…and let's face facts, my money is feast of famine…famine isn't probably the best word here…might upset Angelina Jolie, so lets say…my finances aren't always fruitful…although doing pretty good thus far.)
He likes art, movies, live concerts and an occasional play and doesn't mind my obsession with really bad reality programming. (But he should understand that I've become a better cook after watching every season of Top Chef, right?)
He can laugh at himself. (I make fun of 'too serious guy' so he needs to lighten up. Plus, clearly I tend to crack myself up.)
He's not a total hermit and can hold up in a crowd (but please don't break into song in the middle of the mall.)
Doesn't maul me with total PDA (had one of those this year. That was scary.)
Carries a decent amount of chivalry (doesn't yell at waiters for example…and also should know when to pull me away when I'm having a full on melt down on Black Friday at the Best Buy yelling at the manager…thankfully my sister was there to rescue me.)
Can play scrabble with me. (I'm trying to avoid the phrase, "he has to have game"…cause I'm not taking swagger here…just someone who is smart enough to play a board game would be nice.)
Santa, I tell you all this because I've been really really good this year. I brush my teeth every night, take out the trash when it's full, do my assignments when they are due (sort of), am a good friend to my friends, and volunteer my time when I can.
So, that's all. I will expect him to be under my tree (no wrapping or bows necessary) on December 25^th.
Thanks again Santa.
Love and only love,
Heidi

Indifferent Fools

2010-12-01T18:07:00.001-08:00

Why are women addicted to bad boys? I'm not talking about abusers (guys who hit, stalk, emotionally scar women…) I'm more looking at lazy losers, who forget to call, the indifferent attitudes, those who seriously treat you like shit, oh and the classic, those who leave their dishes out for you to pick up.
Why? What's attractive about that?
I've had one or two of these in my life (maybe even three of four). Why didn't I just walk away? If a man raised his hand to me…hell, I'd be out the door in a nanosecond. But the indifferent 'who doesn't give a shit' guy…I'll keep him around for months.
Is it the chase? The searching for answers? The 'why are you treating me like garbage when I'm the best damn thing you'll ever get so why are you doing this to me?'
I guess I want his lame answer. And I don't know why.
One of my 'indifferent idiots' constantly made plans, then on the night of the supposed date wherein I'd change into cute clothes, then wait. And wait. And wait. And wait for him to text, call or suddenly show up. Finally around 8:00pm I'd call him and get a machine. By this time, my blood would boil over, I'd put on my sweats and eat ice cream. He did it to me again. He didn't call and had me glued to my phone waiting for him to call. Usually, the next day or even up to a week later, he'd call like nothing ever happened and say, let's get together. Now the bitter me, wanted to stand him up. See how it feels. But…I was raised better than that. Plans are plans. So I'd victim-ly go out and nothing would be mentioned of the stand up from the prior day/week.
Now, I understand when "something comes up". But we are in an era of smartphones…send me an email, a text, or hell…why not call and give me your lame excuse? Are you afraid of my response? Timid lazy slacker. I truly don't/didn't/will not care. But as a woman…I want/need/desire your lame excuse.
Here's my thought: You didn't win, because you let a really good, smart, and fun girl go. (And lots of thanks for treating me like shit in the process…do you feel better? You actually hurt my feelings. You my friend, are a true dickhead.)
Once I was seeing yet another indifferent guy, and he was totally afraid to call me and tell me "I'm just not that into you". His situation was…he was just too lame to tell me the truth. Instead he led me on for months. We chatted, flirted even, yet he never made plans. Finally, I dunno, two months later, he gets the courage to tell me "I can't date you."
Of course, this was not the answer he should have told me. I would have much preferred "I'm not into you" – because saying "you can't date me" put all sorts of thoughts in my head. Was I obsessive? Did I say something to piss you off? Did I push too hard toward a relationship? What? Don't be so open ended. Just give me something to chew on so I don't recalculate every step I made with you during our "relationship". In other words, don't be an indifferent asshole.
Guys…let me fill you in here: Women…dissect every move you make, every word you utter, and re-live it out with our girlfriends. Don't confuse us. And don't be indifferent because sooner or later we just give up. You wasted our time. You are one lazy asshole.
Your loss.
(But why am I secretly hoping you'll call?)…the cycle always continues for me….

Where the Men Are

2010-11-15T18:57:00.001-08:00

People always ask me, "Where do I find a good guy?"

Like I'm some expert. Please.

Ladies, it's time to think outside of the box. Not all men are sitting at a bar waiting to talk to women. Women, like men, go to bars with their friends. Men don't go to bars to chat up random women. And the men that do go to bars to chat up random women are not the guys women want to talk to. Right?

So I put my thinking cap on…and put together a list of random spots for you to meet men. If you are like me, you want to move beyond internet dating (which bytheway…I've met many nice men on…so don't knock it out.) …and developed this list from many hours of "research". (Stop laughing…it's tax right off-able now.)

Gardening class: No joke, my friend Kelly and I met the HOTTEST men at a gardening cooperative extension class. Seriously, there were about ten men and ten women (and the women weren't lookers, and for once…we were!) Eight out of the ten guys were smoking hot. Cargo shorts, shirts optional, and they were into "composting". To sum it up…they had hot bods, were eco-crunchy, and needed a bath, but we shared similar interests and they had no problem coming over to "look at my yard" (sexual overtones welcome). When the weather warms, consider a class at the local garden center or cooperative extension in your hood. Ladies, get your green on.

Camping Superstores (such as REI): Similar types to the gardeners above abound at REI. Hot dudes like to look at camping stuff. So even if you would no way in hell sleep under the stars, heading to REI is a lot of fun. At the one closest to my house, they have a "rock wall" which you can climb for free (as long as you sign up for a membership…which doesn't cost anything). Give it a try. Make noise and seek help. Having a guy tell you about good "belays, harnesses, and awesome hiking trails" is like the holy grail of manly men. Who knows, he might inspire you to cuddle in his sleeping bag.

Electronics Store: On the opposite end of the spectrum…if you want a serious home body, there is no better place than a clueless woman in the TV section of a Best Buy to meet her knight with a remote control. High Def, Surround Sound, blue ray players, pixel count…whatever…I know you don't really give a shit about that stuff…but let him do the talking. Guys love to tell you about this crap. So let him. Finally, ask him what his favorite movie is…and you would really like to experience "Avatar" on a 50" TV before you purchase one. If he takes the bait, you might just have yourself a hot date back at his place sooner than you can set up your direct TV dish.

Book Store Music departments: I don't know why…but I see a lot of dating couples in a bookstore, but the women go off to read best sellers, and guys head to the music section. Here's the thing: Go in looking for something, stating "….I heard the latest Arcade Fire CD is just okay, but I loved their last album, can you make a suggestion?" If they tell you they don't work there…good. So you respond with "oh, I'm sorry, do you have any suggestions anyway? I just want some new music for my ipod." The girlfriend is reading book covers…she won't notice you stealing her man in the music dept. He is far more interested in you now than her anyway…and their relationship is probably on the rocks…because she's reading books and not having sex with him. Similar…go to music events. Only note…they are usually there to listen to the music. So it's similar to a bar….you will see men, but hard to talk to them. So my suggestion is to head to music stores first to meet them then go to the concert.

5k's, 10k's, half Marathons, Marathons, Mud Runs, and other "running" activities: I don't "run" but recently I told a friend I would take photos of her on her run. Ladies it was the Holy Grail of single men. Actually, I took photos at a "Mud Run" (which was sponsored by Miller Lite) and there were men to spare. Gorgeous men covered in mud, drinking beer. Had I been more prepared (ah, looked a bit better than I rolled out of bed)…I would have had my serious flirt on. Men, men, men, everywhere. I've also rooted on a friend when she did her first marathon and had the same experience…hotties in running shorts. So go, be supportive sport, but be near the finish line (otherwise…they just run past you.) (Also note: anything sponsored by a beer company is going to bring out the guys. So "like" all beer companies on Facebook and they will tell you when these events are. Seriously.)

Join a "club" such as Movie clubs, poker tournaments, or join the office softball team: You don't need to be a huge sporty gal (they will thing you are a lesbian) but you can warm the bench and bake treats for your team, while checking out the men on the other teams. If you like movies, find a local "cinema society" or a theater doing a retrospective -- usually there is a "discussion" after the film, and a perfect way to meet new people.

Got game? Do a poker tournament at a casino. Get out and about with "man hobbies" – why not?

Wine or beer tasting or "foodie" events: With this increasing obsession for the culinary arts, more and more special events revolve around "tasting" events. Grab a male or female friend and saddle up next to a pack of single men. Taste food and discuss. Easy openers are all over these events. Recently, I went to a "food truck" event in the parking lot of the stadium. 50 trucks, one entrance fee, tons of guys everywhere. Now, I will admit, there were lots of couples at this too…but, I went with a group, and we had 2 single men in our "pack" – so not only did I get to know them, but I also met men along the route who had similar tastes to mine. "Did you try the Thai truck..it was awesome." It was literally a smorgasbord or men and food. One word: heaven. (Although I did need a Tums the next morning).

These are just a few ideas you might not have heard of…if you have a suggestion…let me know. I'm up for something new (all in the name of research).

Create Your Team

2010-11-09T17:54:00.001-08:00

I heard a great story today. A friend of mine has a friend who recently got engaged. "Congratulations…how did you meet?" And the answer wasn't what she expected.

Here's the tale: Woman A was sitting at her favorite bar/country club. Woman B walks in and is waiting for her boyfriend of six months to finish his round of golf…chats it up with Woman A. "My boyfriend is the best, brings me flowers, super at tentative, the perfect man I've dated in years…" says Woman B .

I know you know where this is going…..

Well Woman A has her game on. After Woman B has left the building, Woman A tells the bartender when so-and-so boyfriend of Woman B shows up at the country club to call her. She also tells this info to the valet (in case the bartender falls short). You guessed it…the boyfriend shows up. Woman A gets a call and flirts with the guy. They chat and have a great conversation. He ends up dumping Woman B and dating Woman A….and now, they are engaged.

We've all done it. Bragged about our great guys and we've also bitched about our bad guys. But you never really know the company you're keeping. A single desperate woman could be in your mist. But was it wrong of Woman A to, ahhhhh, nag a great guy? If this guy sounded too good to be true, and hadn't yet proposed to Woman B…was he fair game? Or was Woman A a boyfriend stealer?

Now….I love this story. Because it's the story of a great guy…not knowing he's a great guy…and the desperate women who well…fought or lost him.

Now, Woman A was a smart cookie. Upon hearing about this "great guy" she used her connections at the bar (and apparently in town) to spread her worthiness. She was available and wanted to also be a great girlfriend and now, wife. She was prepared…we don't know if Woman B was.

So this made me re-examine my own life and dating world. Am I prepared for a relationship? Do I have everything together to be a good and supportive partner? Answer: For the right guy. You bet I am.

I used to think getting married and being in a relationship was all about finances. We must come to the table as equal partners. Well, that's a myth. Then I thought, oh, I must lose ten pounds and look fantastic, that will work. Wrong again. It's really a head game. Are you ready to be emotionally there for one another? Are you that perfect fit with him and he with you? Sometimes this takes time to figure out, and sometimes it just clicks.

Now, if I was at the bar and heard about someone's "perfect guy" tale…I don't know if I have enough game to plot my "steal" – but I do like the idea of having a "team" tell great guys about me.

So think about what team you would create. Maybe co-workers, members of your church, family, people you know from charity groups, or similar interests groups, bartenders and valets and of course good friends. If you hear about a great guy…someone is bound to know him too in your circle. Enlist your friends to talk about you and call you when he happens to be spotted out and about. Get your game on and be prepared. The prepared girl, it seems, gets the guy.

Good luck.

Thick Love

2010-10-28T17:37:00.001-07:00

Have you heard about the Marie Claire blogger issue? Let me fill you in. This blogger, Maura Kelly, wrote a post where she basically states she's disgusted watching fat people make out on the street and on TV (they have a picture from the CBS show "Mike and Molly" with the blog post). http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/dating-blog/overweight-couples-on-television

Now, I'm no skinny minny, I am like most humans…someone who is in the constant struggle with their weight. Ms. Kelly, in her retraction, has confessed that she has dealt with anorexia. (Which I guess she feels makes her an "expert" in weight issues….????)

She gives her two cents to the obese to: "….eat more fresh and unprocessed foods, read labels and avoid foods with any kind of processed sweetener in them whether it's cane sugar or high fructose corn syrup, increase the amount of fiber you're getting, get some kind of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week, and do everything you can to stand up more — even while using your computer — and walk more. I admit that there's plenty that makes slimming down tough, but YOU CAN DO IT! Trust me. It will take some time, but you'll also feel so good, physically and emotionally. A nutritionist or personal trainer will help — and if you can't afford one, visit your local YMCA for some advice."

Hum. Okay Ms. Kelly: I go to the gym roughly 4 to 5 times a week for a solid hour workout. I never drink soda, and haven't had fast or processed food in over three years (something I gave up for New Years 2007 and haven't gone back.) Bottom line: Weight issues are personal. Every person is unique and different. Everyone has to deal with their own issues whether it's physical or psychological. Why would I (or anyone else) even consider taking your advice whether it's truthful or not? Who died and made you an expert?

What really gets me in a tizzy about this blog post and her retraction, is the lack of a response from Marie Claire. Within their pages, they publish a fantastic column called "Big Girl in a Skinny World" by Ashley Falcon, who in the words of Maura Kelly is, shall we say "plump" – Ashley Falcon is a fashion conscious consumer who struggles with trends for her curves and finds a solution and gives great advice. It's well written, honest and relatable.

So when Marie Claire's own blogger writes that she finds it "gross" to watch fat people make out…where is Ashley? (This is your swan song Ashley…and Marie Claire should be putting her front and center on this issue.)

If you read Maura Kelly's bio, she apparently is writing a novel, and considers dating her job. (I wonder how that is working for her?) Bottom line is that Maura offended a treasure trove of readers by simply not being relatable and touting her own personal thoughts about the obese (lumping every single person who has a weight issue together) and offending masses of readers.

BUT….let's discuss the thicker issue here (pun intended). Being overweight and dating sucks. And if Ms. Kelly writes a dating blog, and she wants to write about real weight issues, why not write about "Sex and Thunder Thighs", "He's a good 30 lbs Heavier than his Profile Picture" or "First Date Fashion to Hide Your Muffin Top"?

So while people can protest, cancel their subscriptions to Marie Claire, blah blah blah…I do enjoy fashion and being trendy and I love Ashley Falcon's column.

I have seriously dived into the weight issue with my new novel ("Love in the Time of Skinny Jeans") and what I do know is that men are bias to "plump women". I deal with my weight every day of my life and I constantly struggle with my own image issues. BUT, I try not to judge people. It is hard to lose weight and keep it off. But it's even harder to be single in a sea of skinny people (aka Hollywood). So rather than be "disgusted" by fat people, let's all be sisters in the struggle.

Lost in Translation

2010-10-14T07:49:00.001-07:00

You've heard the phrase, "men are from Mars and women are from Venus." While I don't think we are from outer space, I do think men are men and women are women…we are just simply wired differently.

Recently I had a friend who went on vacation to China. She took these fabulous pictures of all these signs that were meant to be read by English speaking tourists. They cracked me up…but it also brought up and interesting point. Sometimes our messages and actions can be interpreted in many ways. Since I'm not a guy, I'm often flabbergasted when I get an email, text or a voicemail message that makes no sense. Is he trying to tell me something? Is he being vague because maybe he has a girlfriend and I'm his side show? Does he really think it's okay to cancel on me again? What is going on? Are you just not that into me?

Here's a secret: When I'm about to get my period…I cry. Cry at the emotional coffee commercials, cry at the inspirational talk shows, hell, I cry during a funny sitcom. Literally, I will sit there with my Kleenex and think…I should go buy some tampons. Men…you cannot understand this feeling. You just can't and well…I don't understand it myself. I just know when I start to cry at totally lame commercials, I'm probably pre-menstrual.

Somewhere in our breakdowns between the sexes we have to come to the realization that we're different. I wholly believe this is why both men and women need their spaces in their houses. Call them "man caves" or "craft rooms" or whatever…just give me some alone time and move out of my way.

Which brings me to my madness today….I've been dating a guy who always comes up with the loftiest tales to tell me when he wants to cancel a date. Common one liners are: I'm sick; I have to work late; I'm too tired… etc. All signs are pointing he's not that into me. BUT when I bring it up to him…he honestly thinks no, that's not the case…he's just sick, tired, and working too much. I should just understand, move out of his way. The game is on. And that's when I crack. The calm rational girl and me walks out of the house and goes for a walk to blow off my steam. But in reality, I call my best friend and have a major bitch session. The guy has screwed up …again and he just doesn't get it.

Now I am no fool. I know when there is a baseball playoff game on, I understand the Sunday football commitments, and when something better comes up like….ah…sitting on the couch…I get it. Who isn't tired?

So is he lying? Or am I just lost in the male translation of his actions? Does he just need space and doesn't know how to verbalize this to me? I don't want to come off as some needy chick who is constantly calling him or texting him…but can you give me a bit more than "I'm sick."? Yes..this is where we differ. Men think that's the excuse and end of story. Newsflash: Women need more. We want to know you are committed. Try this: "Honey, I'm not feeling well but I promise to take you out on next Friday, if I feel better." Now was that so hard?

I don't think men and women will ever really know or understand one another, for now, we are just going to be lost in translation. So if I start crying when a Folgers commercial comes on you can just politely move out of the way and I will try and understand your Sunday ritual of sitting around in a smelly football jersey eating chips and watching football all day rather than having sex.

Well, I'll try and understand that.

HC

Pull the Trigger

2010-10-10T19:35:00.001-07:00

Okay, has this ever happened to you? You have been emailing a guy. You get along great but he never asks you out? And then he drops the excuse… "I'm new in town. Where do you want to meet?"
Really? Do we need to do everything? Get a plan, call, and be a man. This is called: Pulling the trigger.

From simple first dates, to asking a girl to the school dance, to busting a first kiss, and well hell, the holy grail of proposing with a ring…these are all "trigger pull" issues for men. This is not the day and age to be shy, sit in the corner, and wait for us to tell you what we want…just do it. Rejection is not that bad.

The First Date Triggers: There are a gaggle of Starbucks worldwide. So if you want a simple first date. Pick one and meet there. Now, how hard was that? Pull it. End of story. For the more adventurous first daters, suggest a restaurant or activity (bowling, miniature golf, ice skating, movie etc). It is perfectly acceptable to ask what type of food we like (not everyone is a sushi eater, or they might be a vegetarian.) Do a little research, read some restaurant reviews, maybe scope out the restaurant in a drive by, get the movie times, and then pull the trigger with a plan. Easy!

The Trigger Kiss: You know that awkward moment, you're on your second or third date and you wouldn't mind for the guy to kiss you goodnight. So let's say, he walks you to your car, if you're not interested…you jump in the car and say thanks. You dodged a bullet. BUT, if you give him a hug, lock eyes and tilt you head. This is the universal symbol to give us a kiss. Now I'm not saying to go in full throttle PDA and make out in a parking lot. But throw us an interest. If you turn and go and don't even walk us to our car…well, yeah…we get it. Not interested.

I went out with a guy recently who got nervous every time he went to kiss me. "I don't like kissing in a parking lot" he told me. Seriously, he gave me a peck and five minutes later texted me "I wish I could have really kissed you…" So, why didn't you? Hello???

Now, what should he have done?

A) Gave me a more than a peck in the parking lot.
B) Whispered in my ear that he wanted to kiss me more and suggest a location to go other than the parking lot.
C) Waited until the next date wherein the date would end in an intimate location not a parking lot.
D) All of the above.
My answer would have been B. (His text was actually kinda close to "whispering".) So where did this lead to? Yes…we met up ten minutes later and had a wonderful make out session back at my place…because afterall…he was a non-trigger puller and I knew he wanted me to make it simple for him.

The 'back in the saddle' non trigger puller: You know the type. He was just burned in a relationship, or divorced, or just a guy who hasn't been on a lot of dates. He's forgotten how to date! Please, please, please. Call with a plan. I was communicating with one of these lately. He loved to email but the thought of actually meeting scared the crap out of him. Would I be disappointed in what he looked like? Would I notice that he didn't date much? Didn't have much hair? Was I sure I wanted to go out with him. Hello….if you lied in your "online profile" – that's your issue. There was something in your profile and emails that peaked my interest to at least go out for a cup of coffee and meet you. Stop with the witty emails and wasting way too much of my time. Let's just meet. Pull the trigger.

You know what really drives me mad? These 'back in the saddle' types who ask way too many questions. Example: Terry was a serial non-trigger puller. He'd send me these great emails. Full of witty responses, thoughtful messages, and caring thoughts. But Terry could not for the life of him pull the trigger. He could never commit to a date, location, or time. I knew he was interested, but coming up with suggestions was getting old. I was leading him to water way to many times. Here's a classic line he'd write me: "I'm thinking about going out to dinner with you. Do you know any great Italian restaurants? What's your week looking like? "

Now…Terry's not really asking me on a date he just wants some suggestions. And he doesn't tell me how his week looks like, but wants to know mine.

So I screw with Terry. "I'm free tonight. There is a great Italian place around the corner from my apartment. Wanna meet at 7:00pm?" Yeah…didn't date him very long. His tactic didn't work because he didn't know how to make a plan and pull the trigger.

Hope this is enlightening to my male readers. Ladies…can I get an amen?

You're welcome.

HC

Sex Scandal

2010-10-07T19:54:00.001-07:00

This morning while working out at the gym, I glanced up and watched Meredith Veira on the TV talking about the female Duke student who wrote a 42 page Power Point presentation on her various sexual partners. The female student emailed it to three friends…and well…they didn't keep it to themselves. Opps.

So this student is in a pickle. Or is she? She wrote a pretty funny, well written, ah hem, accurate diatribe on stupid things men think is sexy (FYI…guys take some notes here.) But did she really think her three friends would just keep it to themselves? The female student was interviewed with jezebel.com wherein she defends herself stating, "Fraternities rank women all the time." True. They just don't write up a 42 page Power Point presentation on it.

So is she wrong?

With my variety of female magazines surrounding my desk (that's you, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, InStyle, Marie Claire, Elle, Lucky, Allure) and all your articles on sex positions, how to talk to men in bed, etc etc. What's the difference? Right. She posted pictures of her subjects. (That was slander…especially for those lower ranked.) But the real question is…did she or did she not mean it to go viral?

Now I'm not going to sit here and condone this student. She's young, made an obvious mistake. Let's face facts, people are talking about it, and she's going to get a book deal out of this. Hell, she'll probably get hired by a woman's magazine to blog about dates. But I digress.

Beyond spending way too many hours after each date writing up her dissertations on the male anatomy or saving various sext messages from her partners…she obviously thought it was important to tell her friends before they headed to the bar. A little "pre warning" to her friends if they encountered any of these men at the local watering hole. (Bytheway…I do think it's sad that she never had any real "relationships" with these men…just sex.)

So what did she do? Well…she sized up men by outlining eight categories. Physical Attractiveness, Size, Talent, Creativity, Aggressiveness, Entertainment (she provides 'dirty talk' transcripts), athletic ability and my favorite category "Bonus" where she gave men extra points for having an Australian accent, but minus points for being Canadian. (Funny!)

Now, have you ever called a friend after a date and given them the blow-by-blow? Of course you have. Who doesn't do this? But intimate details of my sexual encounters…yeah, I don't really go into details with my friends. Some things are just left up to the imagination.

My motto is…what happens in the bedroom…stays in the bedroom. I don't need to type it down on my computer, write it in my journal, or put it up on my blog. Because you know what…someone might just read it.

But for our female Duke University friend, well, here's the thing…sex sells. So don't give the "presentation" for free. Get a book deal.

What are your thoughts?

Heidi
Here's a link to the article:
http://jezebel.com/5652114/college-girls-power-point-fuck-list-goes-viral-gallery?skyline=true&s=i

The Science of Online Dating

2010-10-04T16:07:00.001-07:00

The programmer/psychologist behind match.com and Yahoo Personals has a new book out Who Should You Have Sex With?: The Secrets to Great Sexual Chemistry Author Mark Thompson claims you will never find "Mr. or Mrs. Right on the internet" – Really? Why?

There is no exit interview.

Hum. Good point. He suggests there be some sort of exit interview (ala Netflix) that will help you narrow your search. And while we see numerous commercials with happy couples and their nuptials displayed all over the TV, in reality, many couples meet online, but one in ten actually make a couple.

So does that mean I have to go through ten dates before I find Mr. Okay to date?

This has me dreaming of some exit interview multi-million dollar online dating company to start up (yes, I did just see The Social Network)…would that work? And honestly, are couples really connected through some sort of mathematic equation figured out by psychologists and computer programmers? I thought finding a mate was through face-to-face connections? You just increase your odds by actually going out and meeting new people. No?

Here's the truth. I'm a social butterfly. I have a number of friends. But…somewhere in my dating life, I was way too into my job/life to actually look at men as date-able objects. Then one day, I turned around and everyone was married. And now I go out with my friends and they have no single men to set me up with. And I often wonder…how did this happen? When did this happen? And how do I find someone? Pronto.

Enter internet dating.

Now I will admit, I've met a few guys I just didn't click with after a first or second date. No problem. You just get back on the horse. But the thing I like…I am actually meeting new people who are single. Compare that to the "old days" of being set up by friends, meeting men in bars, or *gasp* answering a personal ad – volume doesn't actually mean more quality, but I am having way more fun and it's relatively easy.

So Mr. Thompson…your "overpromised and under-delivered" results in online dating sites might ring true for many, but I for one, am happy too actually meet single men. Because I don't know where they are in my town – and my guess is, I'll find more single men on the internet than I will anywhere else.

HC

Chivalry

2010-09-22T18:20:00.001-07:00

He opened the door, pulled out my seat, and paid for dinner but when he told me he was thinking about bringing me flowers, he asked if that would have been too much. It put me into a quandary. "Yes, I think it would look like you were trying to hard" I answered honestly.

I look back at when my parents dated some forty years ago, would it have been odd if my dad showed up and brought her flowers on a first date? Answer: No.

So why is it odd to me today?

I've been on a couple dates recently wherein these men proclaimed chivalry is not dead. I'm not so sure if its chivalry or just a basic respect for women. So I ask….what's the difference? If you respect a woman, you'd open her door, you'd ask her if she'd want anything when you where heading to the kitchen, you'd pull out her chair before she sat down. There is that certain aspect to a man that when he does these small gestures…we instantly see a sign that he likes us. If he let the door slam in our faces, or checks his email/phone incessantly, well, I think he just wants to get this little "meeting" over with so he can head home and watch some more Sportcenter. He's not that into you.

So I looked up the word chivalry in the dictionary. Basically…unless you are a knight (or working at medieval times), the word is pretty dated. Courage, honor, justice, helping the weak or poor (this is starting to sound like a job interview for a law enforcement officer…); courtesy to women or a well mannered man. Eureka! A well mannered man. But does this mean he needs to bring you flowers on a first date? Ah no.

Women have come a long way since medieval times. We don't need rescuing but we also don't mind it when you kill the creepy crawly things in our apartments. So don't bring me flowers as you come riding in on your shiny white horse, it's not necessary. But you are a true well mannered gentleman if you make me chicken noodle soup when I'm sick, tell me how beautiful I look while sick, and well, hold my hair back when I actually get sick.

For me chivalry means well mannered and for that, then I would say, chivalry is not dead. But it's still odd if you buy me flowers on a first date.

Is It Really Fall?

2010-09-04T16:52:00.001-07:00

Happy Last Weekend of Summer.
Sort of depressing isn't it? It goes so fast. I always have all these plans I'm going to get done during the summer, yet never tend to get to all the chores. Sound familiar.
I can't tell you how many people I've talked to who tell me…"wow, I wish I can be you." While being a novelist sounds lovely, and well "novel" it's not an easy thing. There are periods of total freak out (you don't get paid until you book actually hits the bookstore), and many "temp"-tations of temping on smaller writer gigs to pay the bills. But it's the shear freedom that I do adore.

I should describe my "work" location – I write my blog at my dining room table overlooking the most picturesque beach and pier. (It's ok…you can hate me…) But when the sun gleams through my sliding doors and pills into the living room…well…I head across the street to the beach. (You should see my tan.) The only issue I have…I can't use my computer at the beach. Trust me I've tried. Phone calls…yeah, I get the best "coverage" on my deck in one of those lifeguard-type chairs. So I put on my sunglasses, and "roll calls" on the deck. It's great…until the gardener decides to run the lawn mower.

Now before you all go into the "I hate Heidi" comments…you all haven't seen my bank account. Being a writer for a living is not the type of career that brings in the big dough but it is very freeing. While my friends think, wow, you can sleep until noon write a couple blogs and polish off your new novel blah blah blah…what I've learned is …it's a lot more work than I anticipated. I typically work ten to twelve hour days. (Sort of like a doctor…no?) Everything I read, do, think, I try and work into a story, blog, or article. Don't get me wrong…I'm currently "studying" People Magazines Emmy red carpet dresses with much glee.

If you think writing is easy. Here is a fact for you: It took me ten LONG years to write my first novel. And trust me, I'm like a school girl about to start school in anticipation of it coming out. I am very lucky to be part of the most incredible book writing club and these ladies have read every word I have written and given me such honest feedback. (I think they were as surprised as I was when it sold.)

My Fabulous Book Writing Club

A typical day for me is coffee (Starbucks just gave me a gold card!); workout; shower; emails/phone calls; write – I only break from writing if I have a meeting. If I get stuck…I take a bike ride. I usually "stop" working around eight pm. Another thing, being a writer is also being a good salesperson. I can't tell you how many people have told me "I wrote a book and it didn't sell" – You have to put in as much effort as you did in writing a book as you do selling it. I've acted as my own publicist, manager, book store owner etc to promote myself. I pitch to magazines, blogs, community columns, TV shows, radio programs, and bookstores for personal appearances. "Heidi is so much fun, she'll have fun with your patrons" talking about myself in the third person. (I tend to crack myself up too.)

And I will say, being a writer can be a very lonely world too. I so enjoy when a friend calls me and brings me out of my writing work and says "Lets run errands" so I can ask about my character. Recently I was watching the Emmy's with a friend and I was making comments about the dresses, and she told me I sounded like the character from my second book (I think that was a compliment???) So, in reality, I'm never really off the hook and "not working".

But, nothing counts as much as my fans. Those of you who read my blog, send me emails whether they are debating a stupid idea, or sending me love notes. I read them all with much happiness.
Thank you all for being on this journey with me. It means the world. So keep reading, visiting and giving me feedback. I love a good argument.
Now…back to work. It is fall after all.
HC

The Run In

2010-08-26T16:02:00.001-07:00

Even though there are over a million people in Los Angeles, why is it, when on a date, I happen to run into an ex? Why me? (This event has happened on more than one occasion.) Across the room I saw him staring at me, so I gave him a wink and a raise of my glass as if to toast him, but I was on a date. No, strike that, I was on a first date. I told my date I saw an old co-worker across the room which is why I was raising my glass to him. He seemed to believe me and we continued with our first date awkwardness and questions. But I couldn't stop thinking about my ex and was hoping to catch him looking at me out of the corner of my eye.

The ex did not come up to me and say Hi…he too give me the obligatory raise of his glass and them murmured something to his friends at the bar. Did he notice I was with another guy? Was he jealous I was with another guy? Was he noticing how hot I looked? And most importantly, why didn't he come up to me and say Hi. Chicken. He was chicken. Right?

Now…

Why did I lie to my date?
Why didn't I excuse myself and say "Hi, how are you doing?"
Why did I secretly want my ex to call me that night (or the next couple days)?
Why was it so hard for me to NOT call my ex for the next couple days?

Right. I wasn't over my ex. You know what. I was over my ex. But, it's just when you have a run in, you return to the good times of the relationship and for a nanosecond, it seems like a good idea to go out with him again.

Dating is tough. Getting to know someone new is tough. With an ex there is familiarity. You know each other and it's easy to slip back down the slippery slope.

My advice to you: Be strong.

When encountering an ex – remember, he's an ex for a reason. How many times do you need to give him? Remind yourself, "What would my girlfriends tell me?" (Yeah…they will tell you to move on too. Trust me. They heard you the billion times you complained about him.)

I don't think ex's really understand the ex-factor. They don't understand the weeks/months it took us to get over them. With one chance encounter out on the town, I've now had to spend the next week wondering about my ex. (This is utterly not fair.)

Two good calls to my sister and best friend snapped me right back into perspective. I have to remind myself when seeing an ex…he let a good girl go (or I let a bad guy go) – whatever the case. I prop up my self esteem (I'm a damn good catch), hit the gym (I like the endorphin high and the way my arms look in a sleeveless top), ramp up the ipod with some liberating tunes ("If You Can Afford Me" by Katy Perry is a recent fav), and troll around match.com looking for a new guy.

Moving on. And next time I see an ex, it won't take me that long to forget about him. (I hope.)

Redefining Prince Charming

2010-08-15T17:06:00.001-07:00

"Life is good without spending a dime as long as you give it time." Heidi Carson

I have a friend who said to me that he didn't want to date right now because dating costs money and well…he doesn't have a job. While I understand his concern, I don't think he should give up all hope because of his current unemployed situation. He's a great guy…. completely funny, truly smart, and has a heart of gold. But are we women superficial that we will only see him as unemployed?

This scenario reminded me of a time when a friend told me he could not go on a diet because it costs too much to be healthy. Call me strange…but I actually think they are both wrong. Both are making excuses to not do something. For my unemployed non dating friend, he equates love with money, and for my fat friend, he equates diet as expensive. Do they not see the road blocks that are so abundant before them?

Apparently not.

So being honest here (as I always try)…sure. Being unemployed, is not an ideal situation, but as I look behind every road block there is a good woman who is your cheerleader. If he was already in a relationship and lost his job, wouldn't his girlfriend (or wife) support him as he pursued every option possible? (Answer: a good woman would; a superficial woman wouldn't.)

So what are you truly looking for? Someone superficial or someone who cares about you?

While it might be tough to get started with someone while unemployed, there are a number of cost effective dates he can impress a woman with and show his funny, witty side and hopefully gain her support.

Here are a couple cost efficient date ideas:

A picnic: Sure wine and cheese cost money (you are talking to the girl who spent $50 on wine and cheese for a friend stopping by recently thinking it was cost effective…its not.) But, why not make homemade chocolate chip cookies, fruit salad, something picked up from a local bakery as a treat. Point will be earned in the effort.
A hike: I love an easy hike for a date (although, I've learned my lesson lately to check tidal charts when hiking on the beach!) Bring me a water and a piece of fruit and you gain major points.
During summer months: free concerts on weekends in the parks. Okay…these are everywhere in the summer. It shows you are a planner and we like that. (And truly we won't think its gay when you invite us to the "Neil Diamond Cover Band"…you got us out and thought out of the box...good job.)
BBQ at your house. Who needs a fancy restaurant when you can show us your grill skills on your patio?
Invite us to "watch a game" at your pad with your friends. When you introduce us to your friends…you already score points because you feel comfortable introducing us to your tribe. (Oh and have your friends bring the beer and snacks…just straighten up your pad.) Bonus points if you make a huge pot of inexpensive chili.

These are all acceptable dates. You tell us your dreams and aspirations on a date and the cream of the crop will rise to the top. The superficial will fall to the floor…and while they might be hot, will not support you but will take you to the cleaners when you make it big. Dump them now.

Success story: I have a friend who dated an unemployed dude but get this; she eventually married the guy…what was his technique? He made her homemade cards. That's right…he didn't drive nice wheels, he didn't spend uhdoodles on her…he was unemployed, and well, he was crafty…and made her sweet cards and they had inventive dates wherein he would take her to free concerts and they would have dinner from Mexican food trucks. No huge bank account needed.

So….bottom line…don't make excuses. Look for women who look beyond the bank account. Be inventive. And charm the pants off her. You'll be just fine.

Honest.

The First date No’s

2010-08-05T13:02:00.001-07:00

Once I joined one of the many internet dating sites (all featured here) I got on some email list in which they give me tips on how to be a better dater. I love getting these emails. I read…actually, no, I study them. My personal fav was the recent "Questions to ask on a first date" written by a psychologist who has studied the dating mind, but let's face facts, is probably married and in her fifties and hasn't been on a date in ten years. The inane questions were cracking up, but at the same time, I did put a few into use for my next rendezvous'.
I've also talked to my dates. I asked them what were turn offs and turn ons? Generally we hate it when you put up a picture wherein you cut out the woman (or man) from your profile picture. We don't care if it's your sister or friends from a wedding. Just get a friend to snap a few general photos of you. And don't take your own photo in some rico suave lip pucker from your cellphone. Don't come up with a lame moniker like "BoinkingMan" or "Doingitdoggiestyle" -- I personally like easy monikers like "niceguychad" or "rick5592" – be bland, not vulgar.

Once you get the date and you are armed with your own first date questions. Don't forget to focus on your answers. I'm not saying to lie, I'm just saying…you shouldn't divulge too much. Please avoid revealing the following:

"My ex wife/ex girlfriend used to…" Ah, we don't care about your ex. Actually we do care about your ex, we just don't want to hear about her and definitely not on a first date.
"My therapist/guru/healer told me…" Okay…this is a total signal you are mentally challenged. While I'm thrilled you are at your therapist healing yourself and working some of your issues, I don't need to know or think and wonder about them on a first date. Keep those to yourself until about date 4 or 5.
"What would Jesus want us to do?" WTF is usually my response to this question. Call me crass, and for the record, I'm all about Christian beliefs but if you need to pray to figure out where to have dinner, I'm not your gal.
"I live with my parents." Excuse me? Did he just say he lives at home? I don't need to know your financial status (unemployed, paying huge alimony etc…), we are in a recession, trust me I get it, and I don't need to know you moved home to help your sick or elderly parent…just don't tell me on a first date. You won't get a second.
"Look at these cute pictures of my Chihuahua." If you have a toy dog, I will assume you are gay. That said, I have a very manly man friend in construction with a poodle. And I give him hell all the time. If you are dating another obsessive pet person, then maybe you can bend the rule here, but a recent date had to tell me about his dog and show me all the photos of it on his cellphone. Needless to say, I haven't called him back.
"I'm into role playing….and can't get together on Saturday because we are having a duel…" – whether its D&D, LARP-ers (Live Action Role Players), World of Warcraft…whatever…..Just why would you feel the need to tell a girl on a first date you are trying to impress? She doesn't care. That's why I don't tell you about my obsession with Bravo reality shows. You don't need to know what's on my TiVo list. I call this my own personal private time. What you want to share are things like: "I have a 401K" and "I'm looking into remodeling my kitchen" which shows women you are a saver and a home owner not some escapist freak who needs his free time with a joystick. Got it. Don't bring up your odd hobbies. (I'm sure you've read the tale of how I spent a few dates with an action figure collector….I finally told him I didn't come packaged in a perfect plastic bubble container and he broke up with me…ah good riddance.)

Keep dating…and please share your ideas or answers you've heard.

HC

Who Will Ali Choose?

2010-08-02T16:00:00.001-07:00

Oh I hear you…you don't care. And you might even be asking yourself…who the hell is Ali? Answer: Ali Fedotowsky of ABC's "The Bachelorette". Tonight we find out who she picks (see side bar and place your vote.)

Truly, I don't care who Ali chooses. Her chance at keeping the guy she met on this show has some terrible odds. Personally, I think she did it for the money and well, the potential to meet 25 hot guys all pining for her. And let us not forget that this season they flew her and her suitors to New York, Iceland, Turkey, Portugal, Fiji and Bora Bora – the travel alone would make we want to search for love with millions of people watching too.

But as I traverse my own personal Bachelorette program, I call internet dating; I imagine handing out the single rose at the end of each date with much trepidation. I've been on a few dates lately wherein I just wasn't sure if I wanted a second. If only I could just not give them a rose. No confrontation. Oh, the thought of that makes me happy. Getting dumped and dumping someone is never easy. So what do you do? Do you lie? Just not call? Send an email? Or go out on a second date, pick up the bill and then say… "I'm just not that into you."

I usually call my friends post date and download the pros and cons. I will state, there have been guys I wasn't originally attracted too that got better with more dates. And there have been second dates I'm still questioning my reasons for thinking something was there. The bottom line is…I put myself out there. Sure it sucks when they just don't call you. But you get over it.

Recently I was heading out for yet another first date meeting and a friend of mine asked me if I was nervous. That answer was a big no. It's just a first meeting. Could be coffee, cocktail or dinner…you just want to find out if you are attracted to them right? I didn't need to be nervous, I had another date the following day. I think the key is…don't put your eggs into one basket. Play the field, meet new people, and it's okay to be rejected. I have shed my last tear when the guy doesn't call me back.
As they say…there are plenty of fish in the sea. So get out there.

Oh and Ali. Yeah…I don't think she is going to pick either guy tonight. (We'll see). And if she can't find a guy from the 25 hotties the producers picked for her…we'll it just makes me feel better.

My Ass has become Jiggly

2010-07-29T15:22:00.001-07:00

I hate the gym. Don't laugh. I'm serious.
I have two friends in my life who proclaim they love to workout. They are alien to me. Adam, Christine…I'm talking to you.
Recently I rejoined a gym. (Gasp… my friends….I know…it's scary and you shouldn't talk to me until this phase peters out in about six months) I must admit, once I left my job as personal assistant to an actor, I sort of got into the "wake up and answer emails and watch 4 hours of The Today Show lifestyle….why go to the gym? My workout became a leisurely bike ride through my neighborhood, one in which I would not break into a sweat. I looked at it as living an active lifestyle. Right?
Finally my well tanned, unemployed bod needed to be less jiggly. So I headed to the local gym to sign up for a new membership.
Once inside the massive chain establishment closest to my house(ahem, the word 24 hour in the name should suggest they are actually open for 24 hours just like 7-11 is open at seven and closes at eleven and yet….they are open for 24 hours selling me Hostess Cupcakes….but I digress).
So "Joe" the service manager welcomes me to the fitness center. "How much weight do you want to lose?" he asks sizing me up. Really Joe must you ask such inane questions? If you want people to sign up for your gym, don't ask them if they want to lose weight. Of course they are there to lose weight…do you need to point it out to them asshole.
So I tell him, "I don't want to lose weight. I just want to tone." Yeah, go to hell Joe. You and your judgmental attitude.
But then he asks me, "So what do you do?" Hello. I'm here at 11am on a weekday…shouldn't that signal that I'm unemployed?
"I'm a writer" I respond.
"Oh, how's that working for you?"
Really Joe? You going there? "Extremely successful." Yeah. So happy I left my job and writing is so free and exciting. Look asshole…just give me my damn membership and let's be done with the small talk and your….wait a minute, Joe's not wearing a ring….ooooh wait a minute. Joe's kinda cute. Oh wait, reality check, Joe works at 24 chain…wearing gasp, a uniform. "Yeah, just finishing my second book for my publisher. Life is so good and I love my flexibility."
So finally Joe gets an important call (probably from some girl he's trying to impress…in his khakis and blue 24 hour t-shirt no less) and I'm on my way to workout without a tour of the gym…I'm on my own. Without Joe even flirting with me or offering me any extra incentives or discounts. I instantly hate Joe.
At 11am…well you got your moms trying to look hot for their husbands so they don't leave them, your students, your actors (of course) and well…random unemployed people looking for an endorphin high because well, it's all they got right now. And beautiful people get jobs, right? I'm not sure where I fit in this mix. But the important part is…I'm here.
The only thing I like about going to the gym is I get to read. While most people listen to music or watch TV while at the gym, I actually can read and it's really the only place I like to read other than at the beach. And while my tan is just fine mid-summer, I've got about 5 books downloaded on my kindle I need to finish.
What does this have to do with dating you might ask? Well…let it ring true. Single people go to the gym. While it's not a successful spot for me (I need more simulation than "your arms are really getting some definition" talk…I do like to look at the hard bodies around me at the gym if for no other reason than sensory overload.) So yes…I'm on the prowl while working out…so kill me. (But if I start dating a guy on steroids, you all can kill me…)
The gym is a place for my mind to work into overdrive. I dream of articles to write, emails to send, jobs to seek, and chapters to write. But I also know I need to go, otherwise, my ass will expand and I won't fit into any of the really cute fall clothing I dream of purchasing.
But don't get me wrong…even through endorphin highs, fabulous books to read, and mega eye candy…I still hate working out. And if you like working out…well, we aren't really friends.
HC
Complaints welcome.

A Kiss is Just a Kiss

2010-07-17T18:24:00.001-07:00

Have you ever met a really cute guy only to learn that he was a bad kisser? This has happened to me on more than one occasion. You know the scene: you are totally attracted to a guy and when he goes in to kiss and…well, you just don't fit together. I used to blame it on the alcohol. But when it happens more than one time…and the guy is stone sober, well…we have a problem.

Now I'm not saying throw in the towel. I'm all about lessons.… Vocalize. Tell the guy…"hey, you're sloppy. Mouth is here (point to mouth, and lips) and let's stop the sucking noises." But if he doesn't get it and thinks his "techniques" are fab…and well, they aren't….you might want/need to move on.

Not all kisses are alike either… So let's examine….

The Peck: Yes…it's a peck. But it's an open invitation too. Peck on the cheek, means he's trying to be polite and learn your space, but also a red flag that he might not be all that into you. Peck on the lips on a first date is totally acceptable. Also, let him do the lean in for the peck…don't be pecking him. Let him be an acceptable gentleman. But I will admit, this is hard to read. Fingers crossed you get a second date. But if he blows you off…move on. And let's all remember when we're not attracted to someone and totally grateful he only decided to peck us on the first date. Right?

The Smooch: Lips on lips, longer than a peck, no tongue. I love a good smooch at the end of the day. It doesn't take effort, isn't leading to anything, not misread…just shows there is affection. A smooch is perfect for greeting someone walking in the door or right before you drift off to sleep after a long day.

The Nash: Falling into each other and a little more intense kissing. This is followed by a little more heavy breathing and some hot and heavy petting. You literally are nashing together and there might be some teeth involved.

The Suck: Sort of like nashing, but the kiss has some weird "suck your brains out" feeling. (Don't know where this was taught that this was a desirable kissing technique, but I've been "sucked" on more than one occasion and so I assume many men think this is a desirable technique – word to the wise…it's not..)

The Earlobe: This is where your partner kisses and bites your earlobe and might use their tongue in your ear. But partners…stick to the lobe. Tongues in ears is what the kids call a "wet willy"…so stop at the lobe.

The French: Okay…when you get tongue tied…you are "French kissing" – why we give this technique to the French is beyond me (I've read the French call it "English kissing"), but I assume the French "invented" the use of a tongue in a kiss and well…if they coined this kiss (and apparently cutting potatoes into matchsticks we call French fries) well…let's just give them credit shall we? Now…there are a couple techniques here. There is the "stab" and then there is the "round the world" – I'd love to hear your stories on kisses…but let's just say, I'm more of a fan of the "natural" use of the tongue where you are more in sync together with your tongues. When a guy is stabbing his tongue at me…it's not that, shall we say, desirable. Usually there is some sort of "around the world" action with, in my option, good French kissing. That is if they can make a connection and aren't just a propeller in my mouth.

The "Make Out": Well this is the "mixed tape" of kissing. A little of all above kisses. And if he starts feeling you up…well we call that "going to 3^rd base"…and is usually part of making out.

Now there are other kisses far from these general kisses (The Eskimo: where you kiss with your noses rubbing and The Butterfly: kissing with eyelashes etc.) but I'm just trying to be general here.

I will have you know, recently I started dating someone who claimed to be "a really good kisser"…hum…I'll give him a try, was my first thought. (In the name of research right?) It took him a few dates to kiss me ("I didn't want to kiss you in the parking lot" he stated, which I found rather odd, because how many people have you seen making out in a parking lot? Right.) Finally he got over his nervous parking lot phobia and planted one on me outside of a local bar. He was right…he was a good kisser (…and well…he had more hidden talents too…more on those later.) But I must say, it brought him up a notch and made me want to see him more. Before that, he was a typical guy. Sports fan, good job, motivated worker type, loves his dog…blah blah blah. But get him out of the parking lot, and well, he can make out with me and turn me to Jell-O in about two minutes. He constantly gains points (and currently not freaked out by the fact I'm a romance writer…a huge plus!)

But for me, kissing, more than sex, is the ultimate intimacy. It's like a man can talk with his mouth, not say a word, but you know his stress, emotion, and endearment …all from a simple smooch. So get out there…practice, and remember not all kisses are alike. A kiss is so much more than just a kiss…it's quite literally a connection.

HC

Check Mate

2010-07-12T18:21:00.001-07:00

Friend: "How do I get Roger to break up with me?"
Me: "Why don't you just break up with him?"
Friend: "I don't want to hurt his feelings."
Say what? This was coming from a friend who knew she wanted to break up with this guy…but wanted him to do it because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. So what is she going to do…wait for him to hurt her feelings?
Eventually Roger called and said, "I think we need to distance ourselves" –this was as a huge weight taken off her shoulders, but why couldn't she just break up with him?
This made me re-exam my dating and break up life. And well, dating is like a chess game. You want to corner a partner, but still keep your options open for any move possible. When we know he isn't "the one" – Why don't we just break up? Maybe because, it's better to be in a relationship than not. But is it okay to lead someone on?
Breaking up is hard to do. This we all know is true. But if you know in your heart of hearts they aren't the one, should you lead them to break up with you, see the light that you two just aren't meant to be together…or should you stick it out, because it beats being single or do you stay in the relationship and keep looking and eventually cheat on him?
I've been dumped by a guy without any reason. (And let's just say for the record, I was damn better than anything he could ever get.) But he dumped me with the excuse of "just because" – without any explanation…and it killed me for months. I needed an answer, I needed closure. Now that I re-look at it, it would have been far easier to just lead him to break up with me, vs. get his lame response. I look back at that breakup and how much it hurt me and how confused I was (because did I mention, I was WAY too good for him???), and well, I kinda led him to break up with me too. I knew he wasn't the one for me. I was keeping my options open? Dating and still looking. So why was I so crushed? Oh, right, because he blindsided me. He check mated me without me seeing it.
Now that I've been playing chess, I mean dating, a few more years, I've learned not to get stuck in the corner. I don't jump in and get all gaga on the first date…put all my eggs into one basket, so to speak. I play it vague and strategic all at the same time. After all, dating is a game (I think). There are winners and definitely some losers, but I have faith, I will find a King to my Queen.

Balance of Power

2010-06-28T16:55:00.001-07:00

I have a friend Greg who is dating the hot model-college student Tiffany. (She's 21, goes to Pepperdine.) 26-year-old Greg is well…unemployed and sometimes works in production. He makes ends meet with odd jobs (helping people move) and working part time at his gym. He worships his hot girlfriend and is the envy of all his friends. The girlfriend truly expects to be treated like a princess and Greg does anything for her like a small puppy dog. Bring her lunch, pick her up, take her shopping…is all in a day's activity for Greg.

Now, let's flash forward to Tiffany in her 30's….Greg will have dumped her (for another hot college co-ed probably)…and career girl Tiffany will no longer have Greg's eating out of the palm of her hand. The power will have shifted, and Greg "might" or "might not" have time to call her. She will grow desperate (insert ticking clock) she will offer up free sex in the hopes it will lead to a ring, but then Greg, who is now in the one in demand, suddenly says, 'You know, I think you're great, but you're not who I want to marry.' Sound familiar? Tiffany, you've lost the power no matter how hot you still are, and no matter how good you look on paper.

Here's a secret, one of my favorite shows to watch is "The Hills" (I know…very MTV of me). Right now, you see these hot women, dating the "hot" guys and having a blast every night on the town. They are seemingly in control having the time of their lives and an endless line of men at every club, diner, beach and BBQ. I would LOVE for VH1 to create a show when these girls are in their 30's (ah hem…5 years from now) and see the shift of power. Trust me, for all their musings of "you look totally hot in that bikini"…they won't have the power. I think Heidi Montag will actually look like she's learned something from dating and marrying jerk Spencer, but at least she got married. Actually, I can already see the shift starting to happen. Brody Jenner can get plenty of tail (sorry Kristin)…and he's just "casting" his own spinoff of ex girlfriends (all hot playboy bunnies in their 20's I might add) every time the group hits the town. Fact is, 25 year old Kristin, Adriana and Lauren have already been deemed "too old" from well-aged Brody.

So ladies of all ages, take note.

In our 20's we love the way men follow us around. Buy us flowers, pay for dinners with their crappy salaries…treat us like the queens we've always been told we are. And we women…treat the men like shit. Sometimes, those guys propose…and we say yes. We look beyond the thralls of admirers and decide. "yeah, you'll do" even though there is a line out the door of better suitors.

For those of us who don't marry our 20-something boyfriends…..Then our 30's hit. We start to get desperate. The balance of power has suddenly shifted…yet no one really told us about the shift. He stops buying us flowers. He doesn't take us out to dinner (he's now saving for his 401k). And he's in control and we desperately say "yes" to anything he wants because…we've given him total control. We start to TiVo Oprah and muse to our girlfriends that we are smart career girls and men are shit.

Think of this: Men want to get married as much as women do. 20's, 30's, 40's…it's the balance of power that seems to get in the way.

So here's some things to ponder.

20's – he loves you…you have the power. Do you want him? Does he have potential? Any sort of sign that this is true. Hold on to him….and get that ring….

30's – He's looking at girls in their 20's. You've lost control. That said…if dating, he doesn't want to give up the "perks" of the relationship. So use the "perks" to get the ring. Got it. Hold out. Don't give it too easy.

40's – Time to regain control. You know what to do in the bedroom. Do it, and do it often. If satisfied…ask for the ring (or even propose to him…why not?) Or simply, have great sex for a couple months then, move on cougar. You've done your deed.

Bottom line: Learn the balance of power. As you get older, he will and does, trade you in for someone younger and hotter. Older ladies, think "Samantha Jones" get what you want from him and do not shed a tear. Make him want you (again) and shift that power back into your control.

I told you I'd be honest here.

An Education

2010-06-22T17:15:00.001-07:00

Once on a girls weekend, my friend Katie blurted out that one her requirements in a mate was a college degree. This rubbed a few of the women the wrong way. Another gals husband did "some" college, but was not a college graduate. "I wouldn't date him," was Katie's honest answer, even though we all love Pattie's husband. Why not?

And just the other night, I was out with some single gals at a wine bar and bing Naomi got a "wink" from a guy on match.com. We instantly sized up his profile. "Urgh, he did "some" college. No way," said Naomi. This was a serious deal breaker for her as well.

Ladies, should we narrow the field? What's wrong with guys sans diplomas?

"If he couldn't finish college, than it shows he doesn't have drive…" stated Naomi. "I need someone who can go toe to toe with me in a conversation."

How can you tell he can't go toe to toe with you in a conversation without even meeting him? How do you know he's not a self starter? Are you only interested in men in your field who can talk to you about your job? What about them? Don't you think you'll be smart enough to date someone who is interesting on his own? Wouldn't that get a bit boring if you only talked about yourself and your things?

So I asked Naomi, "How do you know without meeting someone whether or not they are interesting and can't carry on a conversation?"

"I've learned from experience. I've dated a lot of men, and I've tried to date men who did "some college" and they usually are intimidated by me."

Our other friend explained, out of Naomi's earshot, "she's a bit high maintenance."

You think?

Then I had lunch with my friend Rosemary yesterday whose husband did not graduate from college but played in the NFL. Would Naomi knock him off of her list? I don't think so….

But it brought up something to me. Over the years, I've dated men who went to college and men who made their wealth by working their ways from the bottom up and never went to an institute of higher learning. I've dated teachers, lawyers, men in the medical field a variety pack of white collar jobs. I've also dated men in blue collared jobs: tradesmen, law enforcement, baristas; and then the artists….musicians, actors, writers as well. Each and every category has pluses and minuses.

An education is a great thing, but sometimes, it's not for all. I look back at my own college experience as hard to capsulate. It all started with figuring out what I want to be, then leaving the nest, moving to the big city, keeping myself on budget, my grades in good standing, working my part time job, as well as writing, producing and editing my student films, not to mention dating and have a social life..well…my education wasn't just about what I was learning in the lecture halls. It was about how to live, and learn how others lived.

But do I narrow the dating field to only educated men? The older I get I'm more interested in someone who is financially stable than their GPA in the early 20's. Do they have drive? Will they be good providers? Do they have hobbies? And of course, can we carry on a conversation? My questions now tend to be, "do you own or rent?" – not whether or not someone went to college.

If I skimmed out the men who only graduated college, I'd miss out on many men I dated and learned a great deal from. Sometimes it's okay to look at the other side of the coin, some men who didn't go to college might not be in serious debt (like the over-educated lawyer I dated…who was well into six figures in debt). Is their debt worth it so you can carry on a conversation?

Right?

The Force

2010-06-17T09:37:00.001-07:00

"May the force be with you" -- Luke Skywalker

You walk into a party/bar/coffee shop/social gathering and scan the room. You see a guy, check to make sure he's not wearing a ring, and instantly size him up. He's cute? Or "bar cute"? Could he be the one? Is he husband material? Does he make a good living? Is he sensitive? Will he "get me"? Believe it or not, we intuitively have this instinct in us, passed down from the stone ages, will he be a good lover/provider/protector within three minutes of meeting someone.

I like to call it "The Force".

Okay, you could be a cynic like me…I do this with every viral man I meet. I will take the flaws, the beer gut, the "baggage" men carry around…but can you really know if he's "the one" within three minutes?

I had to dig deeper….
Helen Fisher PhD says, that women typically regard rapid talkers as more educated and men with full voices as better looking than they are.

Ohmigod. She's right. Okay confession. I've been dating a rapid talker. Usually I'm a chatter box (shocking I know). So I opted to not be a big chatter on a recent date. Let him tell me all about himself. And you know what…I was instantly more attracted to him. Before him, I had a crush of "deep voice guy". (I told him he should go into voiceovers…because he has the sexiest voice on the planet…and I would listen to him read me the phonebook.) Totally intrigued by this Helen woman now…

She goes on to say that we basically form an opinion within the first three minutes and, we know pretty early on if we will say yes to date two. Helen says, that the "more you interact with a person you like (even slightly), the more you come to regard him as good looking, smart, and similar to you."

Now…okay I'm going back to quoting "Marry Him" by Lori Gottleib: "I can't make myself become attracted to someone…you have to feel it from the beginning. If you aren't physically attracted when you meet them, you're always forcing it and it never works."
Right. But if you are mildly attracted to them…keep dating him. There might be something about those first three minutes and the force that pull you toward him….right?

So your next outing to a party/ bar/coffee shop/social gathering…let him do the talking…size him up and let me know your thoughts. Did you get a date? Did you say yes to date two? Or were you just not attracted to him?

Let's discuss….

Coupon Tom

2010-06-14T20:42:00.001-07:00

My friend Sara is at a crossroads in her recent relationship. She has been dating Coupon Tom. It's what you're thinking. The guy who only takes her to places he has a coupon too. "It shows he's frugal, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, right?"
Right….I think… I had to dig deeper.
Sara's story started off by her telling me she rejected Coupon Tom's suggestion of Buca Di Beppo (he had a "buy one entrée, get the second one free" coupon, of course). "It just wasn't romantic. That's more of a family style restaurant and I didn't want to be sucked into it, just because he had a coupon." Sara then suggested The Chart House for appetizers and drinks instead. (Good move.) But her story didn't end there. While dining at the lovely Chart House, Coupon Tom was sucked into their "rewards program" to get future coupons. Say What?
Houston we have a problem. Coupon Tom is addicted to…well…coupons.
Look, I'm all about the coupons. I use them personally. And in fact, I have ads and coupons on this website for you all to save some money (and please use them…that includes you Coupon Tom!) If a date made a suggestion of a restaurant and then used a coupon, I would have no issue. But if he only suggested restaurants with coupons or rewards programs, well, then that's a little tacky.
We can face facts, in this day and age, we are all trying to save money. I have rewards programs tied to my credit card and I use my "rewards points" toward travel and hotel rooms…does that make me cheap too? I don't think so.
Let me fill you in here. Celebrities…they love free stuff and coupons. The "swag bags"; gifting suites, free invitations to all those great parties (where laymen have to pay hundreds or sometimes thousands of dollars to attend) not to mention the perks at restaurants, bars and the free concert tickets. They get a plethora of freebies. And that's why they show up. And the events/restaurants get to say "Leonardo DiCaprio showed up at my event!" -- it's a win-win situation. They get the notoriety and the celebrity gets something for free.
I have a friend who is a private chef who once said to me, "rich people are cheap" and you know what…he's right. So let's all take pause here. While Coupon Tom only uses coupons, he probably drives a nice car, owns a house, and dresses well. "He does!" exclaims Sara. So while he might not be spending money on her right now, as she asserts herself into new suggestions and different restaurants, take the "rewards programs" and allow him to wine and dine you for more nights out but if he can't break away from only using coupons, you might need to tell him, "I'm not a two-for-one" and move on.
One of my favorite sites is Groupon.com: Here's a link: http://www.groupon.com/r/uu3755405
For my friends with kids: Here's a printable coupon for Buca di Beppo: http://www.bucadibeppo.com/pdf/CouponNational.pdf
Oh and hey Sara, I put up a coupon for Match.com (on the left banner).... You can either use it yourself or give it to Coupon Tom when you dump him J
HC

Gasp…I’m a Romance Writer

2010-06-11T16:53:00.001-07:00

A male friend of mine recently asked me point blank how difficult was it for me to "reveal" I manage a dating blog and I write Chick Lit (aka Romance) novels to my dates.

My response was simple: This is not something I blurt out on a first date. (If I did….let's face facts, they would run for the hills.) Usually I tell my dates I'm a writer and write about woman and female subject matters…nothing they'd be into. If they prod me…I am proud of my honesty here…so let them in on my little secret, read it for all its glory. I am a published writer and well…I'm writing about dating…so are you a good kisser. Come closer….inspire me.

Believe me. When a date finds out I manage this blog, I set them straight with some facts:

When I'm dating someone, I do not write about them. I might incorporate a story they told me, but I will ask them first.
I do not recreationally date multiple people at once. (I am not swimming in tons of free time.) So I take my dating pretty serious. If I'm dating someone, I'm usually only dating them…not multiples. (However, there have been periods in my life where I've dated more than one person…and that's a future blog post…but I'm not proud of that either.)
I ask them to respect my subjects and not ask too many questions to figure out who I'm writing about. I usually change names of people I write about. (But I have named my sister and best friend…and I'm not sure they liked that…so from now on…they will be "friends" with random names.)
I usually try and explain what type or writing I do and explain it this way: Chick Lit writers tend to "fumble" in the bedroom. Can he figure out that I'm wearing a front closing bra? And Romance writers tend to write epic multiple orgasmic sex scenes. I am a Chick Lit writer. If I figure out my dates are turning on me before my eyes, I think to myself, "but let's have sex and maybe I'll be inspired to write a romance novel."
Yes…I worked for a celebrity. Big international superstar. I don't work there anymore. (For the record: my novel is NOT about my former boss or any experience I've ever had working there…because a novel is a work of fiction people!)
If you break my heart…I might be tempted to write about you somewhere down the line. So don't break my heart.

The funny thing I've learned is, usually my dates WANT me to write about them. (Funny huh?) I think it's some male ego thing to have their name in print, or that they bagged a chick from a dating blog. Whatever…I just find it amusing really.

The other thing I've learned is…men will read my blog once…and never go back. (So I don't think they are checking up on me.) In fact I recently saw a guy who I must have wrote 5 or 6 posts about…didn't have a clue. I told him… "You should really read my blog more often, you might find it interesting." –So we'll see if he calls me again.

Bottom line, I'm a writer… and damn proud of it. So keep reading, tell your friends and well. Laugh, cry and send me your dating stories. I'm all ears.

HC

Got My Cook On

2010-06-04T14:44:00.001-07:00

I recently read an article where the writer was expounding on what she learned about dating with 31 things she wished she knew in her 20's. Number 12, she wishes she learned to cook and cook well. It helps a lot. Ahhhh to be a good cook, in her view…a way to a man's heart was through his tummy.

Link to Glamour Magazine article: http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=23779082#atoolb

On the eve of my birthday…where I'm one year older, and in my thought wiser, I have recently got my "cook on". For you see, I am the daughter of a family cook (he wasn't a chef at a restaurant or anything…) but my dad claimed that he was taught by the famed Cordon Bleu Culinary School. And my dad was one killer cook. Every Sunday, he'd hit the farmed markets, multiple grocery stores, and cook up some of my most memorable dinners. Sunday Dinner is still a tradition in my family. And as an adult, when I'm home alone, I usually try and whip up a culinary masterpiece on Sundays, whether for myself, with friends, or dare I say…a man.

I'm also a big believer in the dinner party. I introduced couples who eventually married at one of my famed dining adventures. I've had people meet and create multi-million dollar venture deals…all at my humble dinner table. I love to gather friends and family. It's what really makes my heart tick.

Recently, I was "hired" by a friend to be a caregiver for her elderly father John. She asked me if I could cook dinner for her dad too. My first day on the job, I looked in the fridge and the pantry and dare I say? I was in the "prepared food nightmare". The entire freezer and pantry had boxed dinners. Now, I have nothing against Stove Top stuffing and Rice-a-Roni…but I decided to try out some of my favorite dishes for John. After dining on my breaded filet of sole with lemon sauce, honey-glazed carrots and wild rice with slivered almonds…John looked at me and asked, "now, why aren't you married?' (Made me just love John all the more.) For a week, I cooked this man beautiful food for very little money. Now I will confess, the "bread" of the "breaded filet of sole", was Bisquick, because for the life of me…I couldn't find flour in the pantry! But…that's what a creative cook does…you make due with what you have and a little trial and error just makes you a better cook. (FYI – John is currently on the hunt to set me up, so this could get interesting….but these are my adventures for you…so enjoy.)

I have a multitude of dishes in my repertoire, but ladies, I think it is of the upmost importance to know how to cook four simple items that will wow any date. They'll actually think you can cook, even if you don't think you can.

Here are the dishes to master:

Roast Chicken – this is SO easy and they think you slave over the stove. You don't. Literally you prep a chicken (take it out of a bag, wash it); salt and pepper and throw into the cavity of the bird: Onions OR oranges and lemons. Drizzle some olive oil and sprinkle your favorite herbs on top (dried thyme, basil, rosemary…or whatever you have on hand…Mrs. Dash? Whatever really…) and throw it in a 350 degree oven for an hour and 20 minutes…make some rice and a vegetable…Voila, dinner is served. So simple.
Simple Spaghetti sauce from scratch: I say "scratch" – but really a couple cans of quality stewed tomatoes, dried and fresh herbs (hello basil), olive oil, crushed garlic, diced onions, salt and pepper. Really…it's not that difficult but you can really dazzle a guy by making sauce from "scratch" – and you don't need to tell him the tomatoes came from a can. If you can boil pasta…you can make this dish. Trust me.
Grilled meat: Ladies. Men like steak. If you can take over their beloved grill…go for it. If the grill is "his domain" – pan frying is delicious too. Simply add butter to the pan (its true…everything tastes better with butter) and here's the key – once you get a sear…turn down the heat and continue cooking it low and slow for another 10 minutes. Then let the meat REST for 5 minutes. This allows it to continue cooking and keep juicy. After cooking your steak, add onions and mushrooms and deglaze it with some red wine or balsamic vinegar…and well…your man will have died and gone to heaven. Oh and for brownie points…make homemade French fries. Again…super easy. Oven at 400 – cut up a potato (or sweet potato) into match sticks sprinkle with oil and salt…bake for 10-12 minutes. He'll think you are a super woman…and it took you no time.
Apple Pie: I actually like to bake and I used to hate apple pie (I wasn't a fan of warmed fruit). Then I went to a picnic and tasted a homemade pie and was hooked. When I learned how easy to bake a homemade apple pie…well, I became a fan and truly, everyone loves a homemade apple pie. Now…I will confess…I'm not a "crust maker" – (Martha Stewart purist I'm not.) Since Pillsbury makes a fine crust in the perfect dimensions…why would I even think about chilling butter and making my own homemade crust? Exactly…you don't need to master crust making either. So buy a pre-made crust (or make your own if you dare…but trust me, your guy/guests they won't know the difference). Filling: peel and slice about 8 small granny smith apples, zest of one lemon, juice of 2 lemons, add ½ cup of sugar, ¼ cup of flour, sprinkle on cinnamon and nutmeg (to your liking). Put them in the pie shell. Cut up half a stick of butter (1/4 cup) and add pieces of butter into the apples. Cover the pie with other crust and cut slits on the top. Brush with milk and sprinkle with sugar. Bake for 10 minutes in a 400 degree oven (on a cookie sheet); reduce the heat to 350 degrees and bake for another 40-45 minutes. Hello. So easy…serve with vanilla ice cream. And you score major points.

The cynical one in me is thinking…if I'm such a good cook, how come I'm not married? Well….I'm usually not cooking for my dates. So this is going to change. Because, if cooking is a way to a man's heart, I feel I need to stop having so many parties, and start creating more intimate dinners. Oh, and for my birthday, I am purchasing a new dining room table if nothing else, I will be whipping up romantic dinners for two.

Sweet!

HC

Al and Tipper Gore

2010-06-01T16:29:00.001-07:00

Seperating? Divorcing? Say what?
My best friend has a thing for Al Gore. She volunteered for him during the 2000 election campaign. Walked door-to-door expounding his attributes to the masses. Wore her Gore/Lieberman hat proudly to my very Republican parents house (and was asked to leave actually). And then one morning, she woke up and said, "Wow…I just had this awesome dream. Al Gore was great in the sack." From then on…she's had fantasies about Al.
So this morning, as I perused the headlines, I see Al and Tipper are seperating.
No explanation given, it was a mutual decision. Of course I had to call my best friend.
"I know…maybe I have a chance?" she blurted. Somehow, I don't think so, but I let her fantasize.
After famously, laying a big fat kiss on Tipper during the 2000 Democratic Convention, Al had become some fantasy of my friend as the perfect lover with power.
Recently I went to an Al Gore book signing/public speaking event. Here was a confident man, giving a speech he'd probably given a hundred times. It was time for people to wake up to Global Warming and take action. The room was filled with men and women; students and suits; young and old…it was a general mix. He wasn't converting anyone…we all knew about Global Warming…but we hung on his every word. He stood tall, was smart, polite, Southern Charmer, and while I chuckled at his "Gore-isms" and the way he pronunciated his h's, I understood my best friends attraction. Al Gore was a nice guy.
And then today's news.
Come on Tipper…what do you know?
Did he have an affair with some documentary filmmaker ala John Edwards? Laurie David perhaps?
Traveling too much?
Was he too into giving speeches and presentations on Global Warming, that he missed the warm sensation for your embrace?
Details, we need details!
I swear, if I hear Al Gore traded her in for a younger woman, I'm going to hurl. Tipper is a good woman Al. Wake up and don't be so delusional. What are you looking for at your age?
Or was it Tipper? Did she leave ha-ha-ha-him? Hey Tipper, you think someone else is going to walk in and sweep you off your feet? How often was he on the road? Because last time I checked, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
So what gives?
After 40 years of marriage…what would make you two throw it all away? The press will find out…so why are they being so vague?
I'm utterly curious now…and I know something is going to crack. For now…hey best friend…go for it. Start your dreamin. Because Al Gore is on the open market.

The Classy Dresser

2010-05-31T12:18:00.001-07:00

"A woman broke up with me because she didn't like the clothes I wore, but she's madly in love with a guy who dresses well but doesn't call her." – From "Marry Him" by Lori Gottlieb

Admit it. When I guy is put together it's a turn on. I'm not talking Euro cheese suits with pocket squares, I'm simply stating, a nice well dressed man who has clothes that actually match is a big plus. He looks put together, organized, and employed. So kill me.

And yes, for the record, I have fallen for a guy because he dressed well…and never called me. He was the type who stepped out of a J Crew catalogue. Professional, had his shirts dry cleaned and pressed. Oh, and he wore great shoes. So superficial of me…but it's true. I wanted him more because he fit some stereotype of the 'perfect guy' than his actual personality (which I look back now was totally lacking.) But is that what I really want? A guy who knows how to dress but not pick up the phone?

When I was younger, I think High School, I remember my sister and I going shopping for my older brother. We went to The Gap, J Crew, Abercrombie and bought him Khaki's, polos, buttons downs, maybe even a pair of loafers. We wanted to dress my brother like the guy we would date…like he was some "Ken Doll" and this would transform him into the perfect guy.

This did not work on my brother.

My brother is a sound engineer. His uniform, some sort of concert t-shirt, cargo shorts and Birkenstocks. Abercrombie he is not. We could not change him for all the shopping trips and sisterly love…trust me we tried.
I don't know what it is, but I honestly think men who shop at these "preppy stores" have good jobs that require them to dress this way. So my hypothesis is: they have job security (something I don't always have.) Trust me my research is not scientific, I'm just stating my ideas here….
"What if I change clothes when I get home and put on cargo shorts and concert t-shirts," suggested a cocky friend of mine. I hear that argument, but tend to think (or rather hope) that you don't mind wearing your preppy clothes and more importantly know how to dress when invited to a dinner party, wedding, or country club social. (Because trust me, my brother…doesn't. He would still wear his Birkenstocks and cargo shorts wherever he'd be invited. He's just that clueless.)
But should I settle for guy in acid wash jeans? Please. Forgive me for being superficial…but, I must be attracted to a guy if I'm going to date him. Sure, I go out of my house in sweats, no make-up…and I hang in my house in clothing I should have banished to Goodwill long ago. But it's not what I'm wearing 95% of the time. If a guy is bothered by the fact I like to wear cute sundresses and fancy the colors pink and green…well then, I'm not their ideal type either. (Somehow, I think I'll get far more head turns in the sundress that my sweatpants.)
Bottom line… if you meet the guy and he's wearing cargo shorts and concert t-shirts…well…that's what you're getting. You can't change him. I get it. For now, I'm hanging at the Gap, looking for a mate who has an unlimited phone plan.
HC

The Settling Point

2010-05-28T17:51:00.001-07:00

I just finished reading "Marry Him" by Lori Gottlieb.

Yes. That book about how women are supposed to settle for mediocre men because well…we are not the princesses our daddies told us we were.

I know. I hear you. When I first read a review, I literally laughed audibly and thought…this woman is nuts. Her point was "women should settle for Mr. Okay." Seriously?

Thank God for my Kindle which allowed me to purchase this book electronically because I would NEVER read it in public. But let me be the first one to tell you. It's worth the read. (Even if it makes you truly depressed.)

In the name of research…I read it…no devoured it…cover to cover. I have to laugh when she said, "I don't think I'll ever get another date after writing this book" – ahhh…yeah..I agree. Good luck with that.

Ms. Gottlieb polled women in their twenties, thirties and forties. From the pie-in-the-sky attitude of the twenty-somethings who had careers on their mind, and plenty of men, but looking for a good one who was perfect in every way. Most had unreliable lists and a plethora of deal breakers. Women in their mid-thirties and forties…well the gloves are off…these women will take the beer gut, bad dresser, the divorced dad with a couple kids. As long as we can have sex once a week, and well…you are breathing. But the men, they can, and are, dating women in the twenties. YIKES.

But you know what…she makes a point.

So who is she talking too? Women in their twenties…don't be so picky? Or is she talking to the woman in her forties and telling her…go for the dude with the beer gut and no hair? Cause, Ms. Gottlieb, you are scaring lots of women on multiple levels. Me in particular.

My goal in dating is simple. Have fun. If I start dating Mr. Boring…bye bye. But what's my settling point? Sure, men can always trade me in for the younger version of me…in their twenties. But is that what they really want? I tend to think I'm interesting, funny, and financially secure. So sue me.

She goes on to point out that so many women say "I would rather be alone than settle"…but the truth is they are alone and miserable…and still holding out for unrealistic standards.

So I examined a recent relationship:

This is the tale of forty-something Miles, and his twenty-something girlfriend Missy. I've been friends with Miles for a while but when he told me Missy dumped him for another guy "her age" -- I wasn't shocked, but Miles was. As his friend, I felt forced to tell Miles, "see you need to date someone your own age who doesn't play games." I wasn't angling for Miles (okay, I was a little). But honestly, I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him…yet. Beer gut, a couple kids, divorced…etc, he wasn't some carbon cut out of "perfect guy" but he was nice and we shared lots of the same interests…..(and it didn't hurt that my celebrity boss thought he would be a good catch for me.) Deep down I felt, Miles wanted a younger woman – so why would he "settle" for me. And why would I settle for Miles and all his "baggage"? (Again, he was divorced and not looking for a long term commitment.) So I gave him my sage advice to, "get out there and date and date someone who is a bit more mature than a twenty year old who is going to cheat on you." He gave me a smile…and we started dating. Yeah me! (Now…Ms. Gottlieb would say that Missy is going to dump Miles for now…and he'll move on and Missy will soon realize that he was "good enough" and come back. Meanwhile, I'm shoving Missy off the cliff and angling for her man…right?)

For me…as I date and unfortunately, keep getting older, I'm really looking for someone who makes me laugh and is their own individual and honestly…not boring. Sure I look past the beer gut, and I'm okay with the bald spot (both of which Miles has). And if that makes me a desperate dater…than so be it. But I don't ever feel I "settled" – I merely accepted the flaws of my partner…because we all have them sweetheart. No one is perfect. This I know is true.

The Facebook Era

2010-05-23T20:31:00.001-07:00

He wrote on his Facebook wall, "I'm spending the day with my girlfriend." Excuse me? You told me you broke up.
Clue number one: he never changed his "relationship status". I just thought he was a lazy guy. Stupid me.
I have a love/hate thing going on with Facebook. I love the fact that I can send out a message and everyone gets a slice of my life. And I hate the fact that I need to somewhat cage my comments to not offend my mom's best friend I friended.
Sound familiar?
In the world of dating…facebook can be very dangerous. I've learned my lesson. Friending should be like being in a monogamous relationship. Do not friend a guy until you are in a "relationship". If you are just hanging out, and still doing the "does he like me dance" – it's too soon. Oh and wait and have him ask to friend you…don't be doing the friending. And be adult…discuss it. You are opening a WIDE door into your world of friends and colleagues, as well your high school classmates you reconnected at the reunion. Enter with caution.
I love the reconnection with people I haven't seen in eons that facebook offers. Most of my facebookers are friends from High School, but I even found a friend from Kindergarten! Kindergarten! Wow.
But then there are those acquaintances I meet at a party and seriously….we friend each other at the table….and well…now they know when I'm dancing in my condo to Justin Timberlake like a teenager (a recent post…I will admit).
Oh and then there are all the lame posts from friends on the "funny things my friends kids did"; the "hourly updates of people who think they are interesting"; and then I have one friend who posts his eating adventures. These are cute; time sucks, but cute. (I truly hate the Mafia Wars, Farmville, Psychic predictions, horoscopes of my friends, or the "Send me a heart"…things that pop up, but I scroll through them all.)
Social networking…the term makes me laugh, because we are social with the internet…we actually don't get together and call each other. It's really not that social.
But dating…
In the world of dating, this can be a serious danger zone. I was pursued by the "guy with a girlfriend" and he said "friend me" – so I did. Obviously…somewhere in the 4 weeks we were getting to know each other and I thought he was seriously interested in me…well, he posted to his "friends" about a little getaway with his girlfriend. (Ahhhh, he's now "unfriended."….If only it was that easy to change my phone number, thankfully, I have caller ID and I just don't have to take his call, right? )
So a word of caution…be social. Keep your facebook page. But let him friend you. Then you really know if he's interested. Check out his friends. If you get a weird read. Unfriend and move on…fast.
HC

The Friend Zone

2010-05-19T00:25:00.001-07:00

I believe men and women can be just friends. I know, I know, there is that "When Harry Met Sally" moment where they discuss this issue and debate it and Harry doesn't think they can. There are multiple ways to look at this:

Zone #1: We are attracted to a man and he is clueless we are attracted to him. We go out with groups of friends and get our flirt on. He buys us a beer, cocktail, etc and gives us causal bumps all night. We get all tingle-y and think he likes us. This goes on for months. Finally, we invite him over to fix our cable TV and have visions he'll bust a move now that were alone. It doesn't happen. We are just friends. After many months of flirting and reading all of his signals (wrong I might add) we complain to our girlfriends who are sick of hearing about him…we finally get up the courage to just ask him "Do you like me" – and we get a vague answer. (Answer would be "NO…I just want to be friends.") Yes…we are in the friend zone. (Quick note: If he did come over to fix our cable TV and something did happen…but he doesn't admit it to his friends. Well…he just wanted an easy lay and knew you would be an easy target. He is NOT a friend…he used you…move on and not be his friend….you are not in "the zone".)

There are countless men in my life who fall into this category. I usually have many crushes that fizzle into nothing. I've learned to not waste so much time in this zone. I'm much more forthright now and can ask "do you like me" pretty early on. This zone can be a time suck.

Zone #2: He likes us, and we are totally not attracted to him. So we blow him off to the friend zone. Sometimes he stays around sometimes he moves on…and yes, we get jealous when he gets a girlfriend and kisses her in front of us. But we remain friends because that's what women do. Friends forever.

To this day I have male friends that I am not attracted to but love them like my good girlfriends and give me much insight into the male psyche. They mean so much to me and I swear…I am looking for a good girl for you J.

Zone #3: He's married but interesting. Ladies…we're not out to take your husband, boyfriend, etc. Most women know he's off limits. But if you found him interesting and want him to network with us, let him. We are friends. Trust me.

One of my best male friends is married. He is a fellow writer, completely off limits but we get together and share thoughts, stories, relationship news, everything…it's like a brother-sister thing. His wife is thankfully, not jealous of us and she actually said to me "Heidi, thank you for giving him such great advice" – see I'm helping his marriage! This is a healthy zone.

Zone #4: After you break up with a guy you were dating, you actually think (and know) he's a good guy, it just wasn't working out in your relationship. You can actually be friends with him even though he's not "your guy" anymore. You tried your hardest to make your relationship work...and you did good work teaching him about what women want. But now, you can be friends with an ex (I look at my divorced friends who share custody of their children and can bring their blended families to BBQ's…you can be friends just not lovers.)

After a recent break up (he picked another girl over me)…I could have just blown him off and never talked to him again, but you know what? He's a nice guy. Interesting. So why throw that all away? Life is too short. Fall into the friend zone, its okay. (I am just slightly bitter about the other girl…but getting over it…now that I too am dating someone new.)

Zone #5: The co-worker/employer friend zone. Men and women spend an awfully long time working together side by side; they are going to be friends. You go to lunch, you network, sometimes you travel together, share ideas and make each laugh in the cubes and at the proverbial water cooler. This is a healthy friend zone and doesn't mean he wants to jump you in the copy room (I think.)

I had a great relationship with my last co-worker. He told me I made him laugh on a daily basis. Sure I was attracted to him, but I knew and respected his friend zone status. (For the record, we had a company "non-dating" policy, so I'm not sure if he ever was interested… But he's still a good friend and I have the upmost respect for him.)

I write these zones after I have re-connected with a Zone #1 friend. I had such a huge crush on him and now, some 10 years later; he's grown into a wonderful man, husband, father and well…still a very good friend. I'm glad I told him I had a crush on him all those years ago and even though I wasn't the one for him, I remained his friend and I cherish our relationship today.

So my sage advice here is: Be an adult and when you are tossed the line "I think we are better off being just friends" – don't curse The Friend Zone, but embrace it for what it is.

So You’re Gay…

2010-05-15T10:20:00.001-07:00

What am I thinking? Who dates gay men? Well…me. (More than one I might add.) Mark them off the list…. Not exactly my rule. Okay. I know what you're thinking. This should be obvious. Single, straight, women should not date gay men. We can't date gay men. They like men. Right? Well, if you live in Los Angeles I can almost guarantee that one of your best friends is a gay man and you had a crush on him at one point in time.

Gay Boyfriend #1 Cole: I met Cole through a friend of mine. An actor. He became my nearest and dearest friend (and we are still close to this day). He became my date to many events. When I met Cole, he didn't blurt out "I'm gay" and come marching in with rainbow stickers, 6-pack abs, and a Simon Cowell tight t-shirt. No. Cole is a round, cherubic "bear" type with a sunny disposition – totally "my type". It wasn't until one night when we were snuggling on the couch watching old movies did he tell me "I like men" – bummer.

Gay Boyfriend #2 Brian: Brian is a producer friend who lived in Florida and wanted to move out to Los Angeles. When I went to visit him in Florida, I wore some really cute lingerie to get him to notice me – he didn't make a move. But that didn't deter me. Finally, Brian packed up his things and moved west and lived on my couch for a couple weeks before he found his own place. One morning, Brian was in the kitchen wearing a face mask. My roommate gave me one look that said it all – I do not know a straight man alive who is doing facial regimens – that guy is gay. And well…two years later when Brian came out of the closet to me…I wasn't shocked. It all made sense. Brian was never interested in me.

I called Cole and Brian my gay boyfriends but in reality, we never "dated". I had a crush on them, we'd hang out…see if they were interested, and when they didn't take the bait, I'd move on. I have terrible gay-dar. This is a well known fact.

I've learned a few things over the years.…and have managed to have healthy relationships with straight men. But, I do long for a man who is in touch with his feminine side (so kill me) and I heart my gay boyfriends who can stay up for hours and have the best girl talks ever. --HC

The Tale of Frienda

2010-05-12T15:46:00.001-07:00

This is dedicated to a certain Paramount Page…you know who you are.

I love a good pathetic girl story. You know what I'm talking about. Those girls who pine for a guy and you watch the guys treat them like crapola. Trust me when I say…I know what I'm talking about, for I too was in a bad relationship that dragged on WAY too long. I dated a loser guy for six long years, and no one knew why. My only answer was: love. I was also a "Frienda".

My friend Dale dated a girl named Brenda. But he didn't really "date" her – he just knew she was into him, so he somewhat used Brenda to… well…meet other women. "Women are attracted to men who aren't available," he stated to me. And you know what? Dale was right.

Dale nicknamed Brenda "Frienda" – she was always his friend, but that was about it. Dale was a player at the time of this tale. He slept with numerous women, worked his ass off so he could afford to take women out on "nice dates" – but not Frienda. Nope Frienda, would sit in her apartment waiting for Dale to call, text or email her. She'd make him killer dinners from her $10 an hour job, hoping he might just "stop by" – but he never did. Nope Dale even had the gall to hook up with her roommate! And when she found out…what she'd do? Yep…she forgave him. Poor pathetic Frienda.

What was the allure of Dale? Was Frienda's self esteem so low that she didn't see that Dale was a total and absolute jerk to her? Wake up Frienda!

"Oh she knew I just wanted to be friends," Dale tells me, "she just didn't care how bad I treated her… Hell to this day we're still friends." Say what?

"What exactly is a Frienda?" I asked Dale. Answer: not a girlfriend, not a friend, but …an emotional connection with the opposite sex not necessarily with the sexual benefits. "A sympathy date," he ended with.

Ouch.

"That sounded bad. It's just the truth," Dale tells me. Trust me when I tell you, Dale was telling me this tale as we are on a hiking "date" and I somewhat was treading with caution by this point.

Dale you are an honest guy. But ladies, be true to yourself and leery of the Frienda status. The new adage, "he's just not that into you" rings true here. And well…he might be using your Frienda status to meet other women. So move on…and move quickly.

Refreshingly Dumped

2010-04-21T20:34:00.001-07:00

Oh man. I've had many a girlfriend call me in utter frustration, "We've been dating for (insert: one, two, three) years and he hasn't given me a ring." Sound familiar to you to?
And recently, I had a guy friend say to me… "I was just about to propose to my girlfriend, I was actually going ring shopping, and I found out she's been cheating on me." How long had they been dating? 5 years. Yeah…she wanted a ring too.
Okay men. How long does it take you to realize you got a good thing in front of you?
We get it. You're scared. So are we. But if you don't know…in say 6 months. Break up with us. Don't pro-long the inevitable. We won't break up with you (that is if we like you) so don't drag it on forever.
The difference between men and women…if we don't like you…we move on pretty fast. Guys…well…they are usually chicken and hang on WAY too long.
I recently went on a few dates with this guy. He was trying to be nice…but I could tell he wasn't sure if he dug me. By date four, he said, "I think were better friends" – sure I cried a few tears, but you know what? I actually respect him for having the balls for knowing I wasn't "the one" and didn't waste my time. Refreshingly dumped!
I know most men these days think they need to court us…(okay you do.) But if somewhere in this opening phase you get a bad read…dump us. It's ok. Stringing us along gets us in an emotional funk. And then we really start hurting.
But really? How long does it take to get to know someone? Enough to know you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them.
Best example: My parents. They met and were married 9 months later. (Honestly…I don't think they were ever "engaged" – it was more like a "Vegas" moment…they went to the Justice of the Peace and just got married one day.) They were married 40 plus years (until my dad passed away). My dad did not know every detail of my mom. And my mom clearly didn't know everything about my dad. If they knew what the future held…well I don't think they would have ever gotten married.
Okay…I hear it. I live in Hollywood. This is a WHOLE different animal. For now…refreshingly dump if you know off the bat. People don't change and you can't change them. If you're not diggin it. Move on.

Random acts of whatever

2010-04-18T18:40:00.001-07:00

"You don't bring me flowers." That's what she said. I didn't bring her flowers…..

How do I tell my friend…it wasn't because he didn't bring her flowers? (After all, I think he bought her a car.) Little gestures all score you major points. That's because they are unexpected. These should be random acts of whatever. If you do them all the time…well then…we learn to expect them and will whine "You don't bring me flowers…anymore."

Here's something most don't know about me…I have a brother. My brother is seriously, probably the most unromantic person I've ever met…and he's related to me. He puts in ZERO effort into anything. No joke, I think if my mom didn't remind him that he got married (on our Dad's birthday I would add) my brother would forget his wedding anniversary every year. Oh, and my mom advises him on what to buy his wife! Get her some flowers, oh and here, I got her a sweater. (Truly, I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.)

If my brother randomly bought his wife flowers…first I think she'd fall over laughing, and second…there would probably be some action in the bedroom. It would work wonders.

Random acts people. And they don't have to cost you a thing.

Pick up a starbucks coffee for me every once in a while; give me a back rub after a stressful day; say "let's go for a drive" without any plans; and hello…make me breakfast in bed. All totally unexpected…and well…you will always get a smile J.

For my friend…she was superficial to want flowers (on demand)…there are bigger issues she was dealing with and well…time to move on.

The List

2010-04-11T15:44:00.001-07:00

I have a friend who swears that if you make a list of what you really want, you will get it. I'm not so convinced. I've made my Vision Boards, I've written my lists, I checked the boxes with honesty on eharmony, I poured my heart and soul into a journal…and well…nothing.
Recently, I re-examined a list I made circa 1999 after a fierce break-up with ex-jerk. And well, it's all still pretty relevant and valid. (So where is my husband?) Well, enjoy, if I ever do get married, we'll check off this list together…just don't tell him about it.
THE LIST

Wants children.
Has brothers and/or sisters.
Sensitive eyes and good smile (good dental hygiene a plus).
Actually wants to be in a relationship and doesn't play games.
Is a friend to me first, and digs me.
Can play a musical instrument, or likes to regularly attend concerts. (I like a music lover…any type of music ok…EXCEPT techno.) Gay flag…right?
Financially secure (or rather on the road to being financially secure). Also someone who makes their own money…not comes from money. Someone who is smart with their money and makes smart decisions or knows when they made a bad decision and learned from it.
Likes to learn new things or one who can break out of the box every once in a while. (Not that I'm one to take up Salsa dancing, but I'd be open to just about anything if asked. And I like that quality…not so judgmental.)
Has a good group of loyal guy friends he's known a long time. (Last guy had zero friends except chicks from his church.)
Likes "man" things (football, beer, poker).
Likes to play board games (if I guy told me he likes Scrabble…he gets bonus points.)
Can hold their own at a party. Doesn't need to be a tailgater.
Not a perfectionist. (Is fine when the dishes aren't done right after dinner but can wait until morning.)
Not depressed and has a happy disposition on life.

And that's it. So maybe if I put it out on the internet world…there will be some takers. Please, I feel I can hear my friend Adam yelling at me "Stop trying so hard!!!" I am Adam…I'm just saying…here are the qualities. Okay?

Things not to do…

2010-04-05T18:46:00.001-07:00

Oh Man. I hate when this happens. You are browsing the bookshelves and come across a dating book and realize. I've done everything wrong. Who am I to give dating advice?
So here you go: from the book: "Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex" – intriguing huh?
Okay – here's what the "relationship experts" tell us we do wrong:
WOMEN:
*Constantly call, instant message and text (okay…I'm guilty of this.)
*Use goofy pet names in public. (I don't do this. I think this is lame too!)
*Ask where this relationship is going. (I don't always do this…but do want to know around date 5 otherwise…you are wasting my time. Is this wrong?)
*Ask if they look fat in an outfit. (wtf…can't we ask them that? I just want an opinion…I think…. Oh right…he won't give an honest answer. Good to know.)

MEN:
*Try sex too early. (hum…I'm not opposed to this…that is if I'm attracted to you.)
*Lie about how tall they are or how much money they make. (True. We will always find out the truth. Be honest.)
*Whip out a calculator at dinner to split a check. (I've never had a calculator whipped out…. most dates I've had know how to halve a bill. I have no issue with splitting checks…most of the time.)
*Want to go out to dinner on a first date vs something casual like having coffee. (Really? That's an issue. I totally prefer dinner.)
*Play head games such as waiting three days before calling after a date. (Oh yeah…this happens all the time. I call them chicken shits.)
*Whine about how past exes did them wrong. (There are a lot of bad women out there…and I feel it's my job to let men know there are normal chicks out there. That is if I'm considered normal.)

BOTH SEXES:
*Talk about children on a first date. (Yeah…not yet….wait until date 3 or 4 to dive into the kids.)
*Are late for a date. (I am SO guilty of this. I work/live so far from everyone and as much as I plan ahead, I have a hard time judging traffic. Forgive me.)
*Are more interested in their pets than their dates. (I'm starting to learn…this is an issue with some of my friends too. Humans can talk. Get out more.)

Deal Breakers

2010-04-03T11:27:00.001-07:00

I have a friend who went on an online date with a guy who regularly attends Renaissance Faires. Deal Breaker?
What about the Comic Book collector? Deal Breaker?
Been to jail? Deal Breaker?
How many ex wives does one need before …yep. Deal Breaker?
I used to think I wasn't so judgmental. After all, I swore I'd never date actors, and the last guy I dated…was… an actor! (Okay, I know different from someone who attends Renaissance Faires…or is it?)
I used to think I was so open…give everyone a chance. But I have to admit, if I guy told me he has costumes, practices sword fighting on weekends, and then regularly attends Renaissance Faires…well…that's taking a hobby a bit too far.
I actually had a crush on a comic book/toy collector once. In his apartment he kept perfectly, original packaged, collection of action figures. I was so enthralled that on our dates, we'd drive 45 minutes away to various toy stores because he'd learn certain stores were getting some figures in limited numbers and he just had to have one. My friends were shocked? What did I see in him? How long was I going to understand his weird obsession? I did end up dumping the guy after about 5 gas fill ups from various trips to Reseda on such quests. His hobby became a deal breaker.
But really what constitutes a deal breaker? We are all different? Should we be so judgmental? After all, I'm hardly perfect. I guess for me it's when weird hobbies turn into obsession and its all your date can talk about. They become, shall we say, odd and boring?
"Desert rats!... Guys with motor cross type toys who hang in the desert, drink beer and talk about lame jumps they caught 'air' on all weekend" states my sister. Apparently she had been dragged on one too many weekends with a guy who was a desert rat. Deal Breaker.
"Ever met a train collector?" asked another friend. She met this guy who had an entire basement with his collectable trains. (Personally, I'd draw the line if he wore a conductor hat and pumped his arm going "choo choo.")
I usually tell guys I just want someone who is into me. And well, if they are putting too much time into their hobby, that's less time into me…and well, that is my ultimate deal breaker. For now, I can "talk" comic book; geeky train collector; videogamer; silent movie; sports obsessed; nature trail cruncher with the best of them. Just remember to also talk to me.
If you have an odd one…please let me know! HC

4 Things…

2010-03-20T19:26:00.001-07:00

Okay…I'm reading other blogs…and I came across this one that told me to ask myself these questions. Why? I don't know…but …I thought I'd answer them for you:
4 shows I like to watch:
1. Top Chef (my dad was the greatest chef ever…and I feel inspired).
2. Project Runway (I wish I could sew and make clothes like that).
3. American Idol – (it is the perfect show to do housework to…that said…I never do housework…so I TiVo and have marathons).
4. This is a toss up…for every show I have a friend who works on it (The Middle; Southland; Real Housewives of NYC and more) I am a supporter and follower of all my friends in TV.

4 things I am passionate about:
1. Writing.
2. My family – they rock.
3. My friends – okay they are awesome too (most of you)
4. Giving back. I love my volunteer work. Really I do.

4 phrases I say a lot:
1. "They aren't available"
2. "I'm not sure where my secret pack of elves filed that?"
3. "No Way" (Pam, Wendy…yeah…I still say that all the time.)
4. "You complete me" (no really….I wish to say that more); tie with: "set me up…I'm single"

4 things I have learned, or am learning:
1. Holding my tongue and not revealing too much. (I know…I need work on this.)
2. Not to drive too fast (very hard…but I got two speeding tickets last month…ouch…so I'm really trying. But come on…cops on Pacific Coast Hwy suck!)
3. How to date…I know…I should be an expert…but I'm not.
4. Listening…

4 places I would like to go:
1. In the arms of a new guy J
2. New Zealand – My sis and I want to go caving.
3. Paris with a guy I love…
4. Wine country…which I have a coupon to a spa…so who wants to go with me?

4 things I did yesterday:
1. Hung with my Book Club Girls – love you all: Marla, Carolyn and Bekah…you guys rock!
2. Worked.
3. Walked on the beach and met someone…hummm. (More on this in next blog post!)
4. Drank with book club girls…cause really…its what we do…

4 things I am looking forward to:
1. Closing new book deal.
2. Falling in love with someone I haven't met.
3. Leaving current job.
4. Seeing niece's faces when I tell them I'm taking them to a movie premiere.

4 things on my wish list:
1. Finding love.
2. Having my crush bust a move and passionately kiss me.
3. Leaving before 7pm on a Friday night from work.
4. Being whisked off on a private jet to some unknown location by hot guy.

4 people I tag:
1. Maddie (we seem to go to lots of public outings).
2. Adam (okay…Adam tags himself).
3. Spencer 4. Me!

These are silly…but hope you enjoy my answers. You can answer them too. I'm curious.

Transition Song

2010-03-14T21:44:00.001-07:00

I got a call from my best friend Wendy today. She had to call me because our "transition song" came on the radio

Backstory: We went to Europe about ten years ago, and we had a CD with ONE song on it. It became our "transition song" while we looked for another CD to stick in the CD player. The transition song was… Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me".

The irony here is….I got dumped by a guy this weekend which I "couldn't make him love me."

I needed this laugh.

It is my belief that when one is "dating" they do just that…date…and date many. As another friend has put it… is there a ring on your finger? To which I usually respond with a big fat NO. So this guy wasn't the only person I was "dating" – that said, I never mentioned it to him. But is that wrong?

I don't think so. That's what dating is? Trying to figure out if you love someone…right?

This guy I had been seeing had told me he liked a chase. So I was seeing if he was actually going to step up to the plate and chase me (…a little game I played unsuccessfully I must admit…because I did like him and was JUST starting to fall for him when he dropped the bomb.) Anyway, after a really nice hike on Saturday, I was sensing a little departure from him…he wasn't his chatty self, he tells me "I'm kinda seeing someone else" – ouch. Really?

Was he being polite? Is he in "love"? And why did he feel the need to tell me I was number 2?

It was weird…and he left the door open. So why did he feel the need to tell me?

All he did tell me is that he's been on two dates with this other woman and well…they messed around and he didn't want to hurt me.

Did I give off the sense that I wanted to know this? Truth be told, I had told him early on in our "dating" was that "I want someone who wants me."

So somewhere in the chain he must have thought he was the only one I was "dating" and he wanted me to know he was interested in someone else so I didn't get hurt. But in reality. I wish he hadn't said anything. Because now…I don't want to be his number 2. I'm not a consolation prize. I have pretty high self esteem. He made his choice. And obviously…its not me. If it doesn't work out with this other girl, I don't really want him to call. I want him to realize, he screwed up and he told me too early on that he was dating someone else (when he had only been on two dates with her. Again….I'm not a number two.)

Bottom line: He should have stepped up and chased me if he really wanted me. Truth be told, I have others who might just love me. But right now…I'm allowing the chase. I am worthy. And well…"I can't make you love me." And I feel I'm just in another transition. All you others..time to step up.

Signs and signals

2010-02-28T19:02:00.001-08:00

I think dating needs its own form of traffic signals. I mean really…men say we are hard to figure out… quite frankly…I think the same thing. Men…who gets them?

I've been thrown a few mixed signals in my day. The classic is "I'll call you" – um…do we give a deadline? What's the timeframe please? A week shows he's interested. A day…he's stalking? A month means…he's unorganized and found your card in a pair of jeans…but not interested other than screwing you?

I'm a more 'to the point' kind of gal. I recently told a guy, if you like me…I want to know. I only want men who want me. This led to a nice make out session at the end of the night. But has he stepped up to the plate? Not really. Mixed signals.

Guys have never been one to communicate much. They hold things in…are they nervous? This I can't figure out. Let me let you in on something…women over analyze everything. We call our girlfriends, sisters, cousins, co-workers and discuss your every move. Especially in the beginning…we are truly trying to figure out if you like us. In the meantime, don't try and figure us out. Just ask us out. If you like us…. Call us…and call often…even if you have nothing to say. If we don't really know if we like you. Trust me, we will, in return… give subtle clues if we like you. It's that simple. Let's start dating.

So let's run down the signals:

He calls within a week and says "are you available to get together for a drink": this is a GREEN LIGHT. He likes you…if you like him. Call him back. No rules. No three days to call him back. You got his text. Call him and go out. Easy.

He calls, but doesn't make a plan…it's along the lines of "it was great meeting you…what are you doing this week…": YELLOW LIGHT. Proceed with caution. He's stringing along a number of ladies and thinking which is best. He is mildly interested but keeping options open. So again…proceed with caution.

He doesn't call for weeks after you met him then suddenly, he sends you an email/text etc. that's he's free tonight can you meet up. Um…he was dumped and looking for a booty call. Don't do it. RED LIGHT. Be smarter than that. And kindly respond with, "I'm busy tonight, but can do…(three days later)" -- if he responds with "great…let's go to XXX bar" – go with the assumption of a yellow light; if he doesn't respond well…you know what that means. Bye bye booty call.

I'm currently navigating my own mixed signals…and I'm not sure what I read…so truly I shouldn't call myself some expert. But…I try…I'm here for you all. Really I am and I care. Feel the love.

The “Hot Guy”

2010-02-03T13:03:00.001-08:00

My cousin dated a really hot guy. We're talking model gorgeous. We affectionately called him "Boyfriend Bob". Bob was perfect in so many ways. He was so good looking that people actually did things for him. With a quick wink, Bob could get anything he wanted. If Bob wanted his coffee first, the girl at Starbucks would do it for him. Every job interview he went on…he got. Here's the other thing…Bob was an environmental lawyer, and yes, part time model. There was nothing physically wrong with Bob. He was just plain yummy.

But as hot as Bob was, all of his winks, smart wit, and near perfect skin, he had many signals of "miss information".

Bob was a jerk. Smokin hottie, yes. Charmer, you bet. But all this led my cousin to waste her time and read his mixed signals and waste so much time. Why did she allow this to happen? And for so many years?

Things started to fall apart when Boyfriend Bob decided he didn't need to be faithful to my cousin. (I dunno…isn't that a given if you are in a committed relationship?) But it was as if my cousin was under a trance of the hot guy. We all were actually. Even if he dated the entire cheerleading squad, we'd look the other way and still stand by his side and support my cousin no matter how bad he treated her. "Bob is so nice" we'd tell her. "He's going through a phase," we'd respond. It was as if we were all under the "hotness haze" of Boyfriend Bob.

Finally, my cousin got fed up and left the country to "find herself" and backpacked through Europe…and wouldn't you know it, Boyfriend Bob followed her. Then she moved across the country to finish her Masters Degree, and Boyfriend Bob followed her there too. These we're all mixed signals.

"We are friends with benefits" she'd tell me. I get the benefits…we all need benefits…but for as much as he followed and chased her, in the end, it was the same old thing. Boyfriend Bob couldn't commit.

There was no final straw to their relationship. I think my cousin just ended up dating another guy who just treated her better. And she's still friends with Boyfriend Bob for what its worth, but in the end a big waste of time.

So why do we look the other way for the hot guy? Why do the attractive people get away with so much bullshit?

I look at the "hotness haze" of a Boyfriend Bob and spray on my repellant to keep my distance. In the end, was it worth it to date the hot guy? Nope. He was just that. A hot guy who didn't want to commit. I think he'll die old, alone and not with a hot chick. (And my cousin…she's pretty hot.)

Pop of Color

2010-01-27T20:02:00.001-08:00

I have heard New York women complain that there are no men to date anywhere. And I think I figured it out. They are all wearing black.

Ladies, you need to introduce a pop of color. Guys like it. From straights to gays, you ask a guy what you are wearing they will notice the colored item. Now, I also know that about 5% of the male population is color blind…so this might not work on all guys, but take my word and start adding color into your wardrobe.

How did I come upon this new revelation? I recently had a photo shoot and my photographer said to me, you need color so people remember who you are. So I did a poll of my own. I asked my female and a few of my male friends and the general consensus was: "I hate when girls don't wear color."

And Viola. The very next day, I went out looking for the most colorful wardrobe. No more little black dresses, unless the little black dress is worn with a pop of color (red shoes, cute colorful scarf, big bright earrings etc.)

I'm still trying to test this theory, but I think it's true. If you only wear black…who is going to notice you? It's time to step out of the crowd. (And now here we go with award season. I love me a good red carpet. My favorite is reading People magazine after the award show, or even E! and Joan Rivers, who loved what and who took a risk and it worked.) Black is blah.

(Oh and new photos are coming soon. I had a killer photographer take my portrait -- he's Angelina Jolie's favorite photographer. I can't wait to share them with you…but waiting for which portrait is going to be my "book jacket" – very exciting. Thank you to all my friends who consulted me on colors for the photoshoot. I'm pretty happy with them…even if the photographer did give me weird props…naked men, lollipops, and a basketball…whatever. You'll see.)

Go out and burst in a rainbow of color…and get noticed. It's working for me. HC

The Chase

2010-01-24T18:46:00.001-08:00

I was re-reading my 2^nd book (which hopefully will be out in Fall 2010 called "Love in the Time of Skinny Jeans") – my opening paragraph asks a good question. So I thought…good blog topic. Here it goes:

Why is there some double standard that a woman has to wait for a guy to ask them out? Really we just want to know if they actually like us. Think about it. If you like someone, and you're a girl, there's nothing you can do about it. Why?

Kinda sucks if you ask me. But why is it a woman can't ask out a guy she's attracted to? Doesn't that take off the pressure? Would you hate it if a woman bought you a beer at a bar?

OR…do you want to chase women? Pursue us? And how long are we to play games with one another and continue this "chasing"?

I was recently having a conversation with a "follower" (you know who you are) and I asked him this very question. He was pretty honest. Yes, he likes to chase women. He says his frustration however comes, when he's got her…and there is no more "chase involved" everything falls apart. Of course this went into a bigger conversation of "what I am I looking for" and I was honest too. I want someone to really like me. Dig me. Be my best friend. And of course love me. But chase me? Hummm. How do I say this…I'm not a fast runner?

So I ask you all. Do we (women) allow men to chase us? Or can we chase men? Is that really a turnoff? Please men…fill me in. I'm all ears…and should I purchase some running shoes?

Internet Dating

2010-01-19T19:49:00.001-08:00

You knew I'd eventually get there didn't you? Ah yes. The tales of internet dating. Personally I think my failure here has to do with the guys in LA…that or the water…but for some weird reason…I just never get to the actual "dating" stage in internet dating. These sites take too long and the guys forget about you somewhere in the set up. That or I'm not prolific enough on my email to keep up with them and a new shiny penny has come along and they finally respond…ummmm 3 months later. Or maybe I have a horrible profile pic…I dunno?

I tend to date people I meet; whether it be through a friend, work, at a party etc. Thus I rarely turn down an invitation. But I'm confused with the whole internet dating thing. Look, I've had friends who have met and married their soul mates on the internet…and I've had friends have lots of fun…but never find "the one" – so I tossed myself out there in the ring (all in the name of research right?) And while I can't say my inquiries have been complete busts, I haven't gone on that many dates, as say, my friends in other cities. Truly, I just don't think Los Angeles is the town for internet dating. Or the men really do want to date the "model/actress" which I clearly am not.

Anyway, I got a message recently and well…it kind of made me laugh. So I had to share. This is NOT edited folks. This is an actual response I received on a dating site:

Hey Heidi,

Thanks for the email and my apologies for the delay in responding. I'm actually unemployed in starting off this 2010 and am in that sense borderline on the needing to be rescued department. As pathetic as it sounds, I may have to move back to San Jose with my sister just to keep afloat. Even though my profile is active here on (said website), I'm not really in that great of shape to be starting up a new relationship. Things can change but for now let me wish you continued success, and best of luck in your search for a match!

Roger

Hey Roger – like your honesty. But get a job and call me. Truly, I'm not offended…but wow…did that make me laugh.

Do you have a similar story? Please share…I'm all ears. HC

Guys with dogs

2010-01-12T20:34:00.001-08:00

I have a friend who will not date a guy unless he has a pet. Specifically, a dog.

"It shows he is committed."

Okay. I give up. How does this explore commitment? He needs to run home to Spot, far more frequently than he's asking me on a date?

"He needs to make plans," she says in all honesty. "If he's got a dog, the dog needs to be walked. He's needs to run home and not just leave on a whim."

But I like guys who can be spontaneous. Who needs an old ball and chain back at the house/condo/apartment? Who needs the baggage of "Buddy" going for a pee?

See, I too am a pet owner. I have two cats. I know, I know, single girl with a cat, not to mention two. I voided the curse of being a single girl with a cat for a LONG time. I love cats. I just didn't want to get the label. And here I am…with two. First of all, they are rescues. Secondly, they are twin brothers. Third, they keep me warm at night when no man in my bed, and they know when to vacate, when a guy comes over…they go under the bed. I can leave my boys alone for a good 4 days with some kibble, and a clean litter box. That is a solid weekend away. I don't need to come home and feed or walk them after work. I crack a window for fresh air. My boys are good to go.

But a dog? That's serious commitment. "Exactly!" states my friend. "They can be committed to something. They can have kids."

Slow down Nelly. Really? Do you tell men this? Apparently she does. She airs her theory right out in front of them. "I want to meet your dog. Let's go on hikes."

I guess she's right. It is a good sign to show a guy can be committed to something. But really, I'd prefer the commitment to be me vs. the dog. I see lots of excuses of "I need to race home to Fido…" and while I can say "wow…that's so thoughtful." It's not doing me any good on a Friday night alone with my cats. Yeah, they love me…but I wish I was curled up with someone else.

Bloggers Debate Usefulness of Facebook Bra Status Update - Sphere News

2010-01-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

Bloggers Debate Usefulness of Facebook Bra Status Update - Sphere News

Better with Age?

2010-01-09T09:41:00.000-08:00

We've all heard it said, "things get better with age." Tell that to the wrinkles around my eyes, or the cellulite on my ass.

Today, I got a photo sent to me from a guy I dated years ago. Of course, I had to forward it to my best friend. You see, I chased this guy for months. I'd hang out at his apartment, always dressed super cute for the occasion. I put in so much effort but still received the dreaded line, "let's be friends." (I hate that line by the way...)

"He looks old," was Wendy's response. Now I know...that's harsh. But come on. Do things truly get better with age?

My answer: Maybe?

For me...well, I feel wiser. I feel more confident. I feel more assured of myself. And , I actually feel better (less hangovers maybe?) I'm eating better, working out, and taking care of myself. And a guy at my high school reunion recently told me I was hotter now than in high school (that made my ...decade).
Here's the thing, I know what I want and when I want it. But is that necessarily better?

My guess is when we all start out in the early phases of dating we're thin, tan, have visions of huge bank accounts and yachts in our heads. And that's what we all liked in each other. Vision. Ambition. Goals.

As we age, we realize. Hum...not going to get that yacht. So are we better off?
Not so much for my worn down friend.

And should that make me feel okay?

You bet your cellulite covered ass it does. When we are dumped by the ones we try so hard to impress...I wish every single girl out there would get a horrible photo from the men in their past. It just gives me a ground swell of warmth.

But to really answer the question...do I like the wrinkles and the cellulite, no. But do I want to revert back to the silliness of not knowing who I am and acting totally stupid in front of men. Definitely NOT...so therefore.
I am getting better with age. Tried, true and tested.

Sister's Dating woes...

2010-01-07T11:27:00.000-08:00

Well..this was an email that made me laugh. So I had to share. It comes from my sister...Guess I should put it in the "Try, Try and Try Again" section -- this guy is a "classic"...enjoy her tale:

OMG - just had to email you about my date last night. The only plus was that the guy had used a recent picture. Unfortunately, that picture showed that he was bald, fleshy and beady eyed. The only reason I met him for coffee is the hope that he had a big wallet but a very bad camera, and maybe because I had a New Years resolution to be "open minded." The date started out OK - coffee at Starbucks on a Tuesday in a neutral part of town. But quickly it turned into what sounded like a flyer for a self help seminar. Turns out he had been to two such seminars in under 9 months at a clip of at least $1000 per session, and he was so excited to work some of those sure fire "attract your perfect mate" techniques that he misread my fascination as interest, not abhorrence. He had apparently learned some sort of 'transference of loving positive vibe sharing' and decided he would try it out on me. Having survived a former volcan mind meld with an ex-boyfriend, he had no idea that this "vibe sharing" was only my concentration to remember how bad this date was going. I was determined to remember his sausage finger hands gripping the faux leather chair in excitement, and his steely gaze of his own hypnotic undertaking trying desperately to keep me engaged. Luckily, like many in the dating wars, I had expertly plotted my exit long before the date began and was able to disengage myself from this hapless soul before the mind meld melted my resolve to escape. I did give him the perfunctory chaste hug goodbye and dropped him the, "I just started this internet dating thing and am going on a few dates this week" line so that I could properly dump him through email in 48 hours. Some girl was really going to like his creepy intensity, but it wasn't this girl tonight.

Good one Tree...Thank you for sharing.

If you have a tale, email me at: Heididcarson@gmail.com

The Book...The Book...The Book is on fire...

2010-01-06T13:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, many of you have asked me, "is your book about your dating life?"

That would be a BIG NO. It's a work of FICTION. And when I say FICTION. I mean FICTION. I am not, nor ever will be dating an actor. But here's the "official book blurb" -- Enjoy...and make comments!

Dating in La La Land by Heidi Carson

28-year-old Meg Miller works for Lighthearted Films as a Development Executive. Her life is turned on its head when she is thrust into the limelight and set up with super star Roland Lance for a secret, six week dating contract. But who made the arrangement? Was it the studio behind the actors picture? Was it Roland’s uber publicist Tori Richards? Was it Meg’s boss Claire, who is secretly pining for Roland? Or was it simply Roland trying to ask out “the girl next door”? As Meg heads to ballet openings, world premieres, and Hollywood clubs she learns its best to speak up for what you believe in and to let your heart speak for itself.

Written with wit and panache, Heidi Carson is a new voice of Hollywood chick lit. A former assistant to a famous actor, Heidi Carson knows what she’s talking about and her fresh approach has given us something to read on the beaches in Malibu, studio sets in Hollywood, or coffee shops in Beverly Hills.

New Year...New Things

2010-01-01T13:45:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year.

I don't know about you, but every year I actually do my New Years Resolutions. I post them right on a chalk board in my kitchen and stare at them for about 6 months, until I finally erase them. So did I achieve last years goals? Actually, I think I did pretty good. But its a new decade...new me too.

2010 Goals:

Go Out More (be more social). Do not turn down an invitation no matter how exhausted you are...going out equals stories and you are a writer. This is actually a repeat from last year...but...if you read the last post...do I go to married guys pot luck tomorrow? Confliction...but could get a story right?

Do not drink alone. If you are going to have a drink, you must be with someone. (So again...pushing that social thing....again a repeat and No I didn't always keep this resolution in 2009...I'll try harder in 2010.)

Lose 20 lbs. Last year I lost 15. (Not bad....I did go down the all important dress size. Yeah me. But I have about 15 or 20 to go. I want to get there this year.)

Be more active. The gym is fun, well not fun, but practical. But I'd like to do more bike riding, public gardening, hiking etc. Things outside, again...keep up the social thing. (Current issue is time and the lack of sunlight in the early hours.)

Get published. (All signs are pointing that is is going to finally happen. Yeah me.)

Travel more. (I am currently dreaming about 3 vacations. Don't know with whom or when these can/will happen...but I will attempt to go to three places near and far in 2010.)

Listen to own voice and not be pressured. Be sane, and not let the insane rule my life. (This is probably going to be the hardest thing for me. My head races with a mindful of ideas that aren't always necessarily the best choices.)

Flirt more. (Literally I was at the CHP (California Highway Patrol Office) the other day, and I flirted with the officer checking out to make sure I had my headlights fixed - stop it with the sex jokes okay -- and well...it was fun. A little smirk and a smile not only makes my day, it can makes someone else's, so I need to flirt more.)

Fall in love. (Could be simple...or heartbreaking. I've had years filled with both. But I'm throwing my heart out there again this year. And looking for serious takers. Truly. Be men...got it?)

So well, now that 2010 is actually here I guess I have to be committed to these. All I can say is ...men...invite me out...I'll show up, flirt with you, not be pressured to do something I don't want to do, but I'll look hot because I'll be tan from being outdoors, and rested from all my traveling and hell...I'll be published. Damn. I'm tired of thinking of all this. So it's time to get busy.

Wish me luck...and keep reading.

Heidi

I love you Susan Sarandon

2009-12-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

Susan Sarandon is my new hero. First she made headlines twenty years ago when she began dating Tim Robbins. And now, she's dumped him for a guy thirty years her junior. Nice work. And I love the fact that he is a ping pong tournament organizer. Obviously, she likes to have fun and has a sense of humor. Refreshing.

Now I know I'm not an old bitty (never will be for that matter), but why do we place stigmas on women who date younger men. Let me just tell you, my mom married a younger guy. I totally admire my mom. But older women are called cougars, poncing young men into seduction...excuse me...it that a crime? More power to you ladies! Train them to become better men, lovers, etc. Allow men to grow up.

It's these 20-something and 30-something guys who are trying to climb the corporate ladder and don't want to commit until they "make it" that drive me bonkers. What are you waiting for? To lose your hair, grow a beer gut, and then find someone young, fresh out of college in their early 20's who haven't figured you out yet? Answer: pretty much. And here's the thing that really bugs me...the women usually fall for them. Really? At 22 I wanted to run a movie studio. I wasn't thinking about getting married to an old dude with a beer gut. I was thinking about my career. I actually find ambitious people more attractive than those who constantly sit back and watch the clouds roll by. Life is what you make of it, so grab hold and have fun has always been my attitude...and if that's a crime. Then, I'm hanging out with Susan Sarandon, cause I think she's having a lot of fun.

Christmas

2009-12-26T18:53:00.001-08:00

My mom's house is cold. Not just cold but in California, were talking bone-chilling temperatures. (Wendy...don't laugh). Seriously, you would think my mom is poor because she never turns on the heat in her house. Now most old people (sorry, mom...I'm publicly calling you old) move to warm weather states (Arizona and Florida respectively) and blast their heaters at all times. Not my mom, she already lives in Southern California and she believes (or has an aversion to) actually turning on her heater/thermostat. But why?????
With frost on her front lawn, I came down to my mom's, bundled up for a cozy time on the couch in front of her Christmas tree. Slept in cashmere, and flannel, and my nose is still frozen. It's in the 30's outside. That's cold.

Today (the 26th) my sister and I were chatting (at the La Costa Spa...which I highly recommend bytheway) about the proper etiquette to send email/texts/ whatever...to men. I sent a text to a guy friend "hey are we on for dinner tonight" -- wherein she said to me, I should have said "chicken or fish" -- apparently I gave him an out. If you text someone "hey are we on tonight?" all signs point to desperation. Why? Is my thought. Does that speak "desperation" I don't think so, but what do I know? Trina says, if you ask him "chicken or fish" he has to answer -- bad me! I'm not good at this relationship thing. Really I'm not good at much. Truly. Well, strike that, I am good at some things, which you will all learn in future posts...but that's for when our relationship really develops. For now, I'm curious on what you all think? Chicken or fish?

Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T08:19:00.000-08:00

First entry:
All men have left the building. It is Christmas Eve afterall and only really crazy people are working. Well, maybe not everyone is crazy. I mean there are people who work at malls, grocery stores, UPS, FedEx etc...they aren't crazy (except maybe crazy busy...ha!) But I work in an office at a production company. Who else is working? Right. No one. But its this quietness that allows me to actually be productive. I'm hardly an effective employee when the office is full or chaos. Actually is anyone?
Anyway...welcome to my blog. I will extoll inner musings and hopefully share stories of love and loss, frustration and well..more frustration as I traverse the dating scene of La La Land. Granted, you will all need to really purchase my book when its published, but for now, you can read on and enjoy my pathetic life.
Welcome...I guarentee a bumpy ride.